The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Alot of what keeps me stuck is that I suffer rigid thinking, and also because I am a person that needs to understand how something works to beable to grasp the concept and so when it comes to something like an higher power, because I am wired the way I am, it is very difficult to trust something that I can't touch or see, but I do feel it, and I am certain of something bigger than myself that quietly sits in the background of life and does it's very special things.
I created my own coping strategies by what I saw and what I was taught, often I find myself stuck and it's because I won't open my mind, I won't let go of old habits, and the things is, I have new teachers now, I have learnt other tools and I know that often my frustration comes from not using my new tools and hanging on to old habits. that keep me stuck.
I seriuosly do struggle with letting parts of the old me go, we are going through times of great change here and awarness of what was, what isn't needed anymore and what could be, what is so very straight forward to some people, I have to learn, I learn something new everyday here, today I think it is, face your demons Katy, face the things that you fear.
I had to fire my old HP, Katy, it wasn't working for me. My new HP concept developed while I studied anatomy and physiology (how things work, right?) and I did that after I studied plant science, and became a master gardener. All of it is nothing short of a miracle to me. We can't control how our body works, it works silently, on its own. Think of how abusive we can be to our bodies on a daily basis, yet how all systems work together to maintain homeostasis despite it. There is no doubt in my mind, there is "something" that loves me.... very, very much. And its not out there, over there, or up there.... it's right within me. I cannot be separated from it, it's impossible. However, I can deny it. I see this same energy at work in all living things. It works for me.
Take what you like and leave the rest, of course. The suggestion is to just find something you CAN believe in.
As for fear, I often read page 68 in the Big Book because it soothes me. In a nutshell, it suggested making a list of my fears. (Good thing notebooks are so cheap.) Then it tells us to ask ourselves WHY we had the fear in the first place, isn't it because self-reliance had failed us? I went down my whole list and could instantly see that, YES! My little plans and designs... my "will"... was not working and I was full of Self. Which was causing me to suffer. I was playing God. I had to start trusting something bigger than myself.
I can't HAVE a higher power and BE higher power at the same time. hehe
Then it includes a Fear Prayer:
"God, please remove my fear, and direct my attention to how You would have me be."
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 20th of April 2011 06:45:02 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 20th of April 2011 07:10:43 AM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Hi Katy, thank you so much for posting this, I can really relate to your thoughts and feelings around this.
I have been going to al-anon meetings for about a year, and have been working my steps with a sponsor. Originally I went to al-anon because I didn't know what else to do, and then as time went by, and I found myself hearing repeatedly taht it was very important to being the focus back to "self", I realised I had a big problem, regardless of what anyone else was doing, what I was doing was not making me happy. I was making myself miserable with what I was doing, what I was thinking about myself and my place in the world, and the judgements I was making about myself and other people.
One of the things I've become really aware of over just the past few weeks is how rigid my thinking is and how I think myself into being stuck. I tend to think in absolutes and find that when I talk, what I say reflects that... You alway, I always , I never, you never etc. I am finding it so difficult to think in terms of "I feel", and to communicate in that way, but with the help of my HP I am learning a totally new way of thinking, and a totally new way fo relating to myself. I find it so difficult to trust on any level and talk with my HP everyday in a bid to learn how to trust Him and learn to let go.
I have been very fearful through out my life and have been very controlling as a result of my fears. My next big challenge is to learn to let go, and to trust in my HP, and in life itself, and to face my fears.
I have two gorgeous cats that I have had since kittens but have been too afraid to let them out of the house alone in case something happened to them and I "lost" them. Through working the steps I have come to understand how I'm not really loving them if i don't allow them to be "cats". They cry each day to go out and I feel terrible that they are stuck in the house. I have decided that one way I can learn to trust life and let go is if I am able to let my cats have time to themselves in the garden to explore and have some freedom. When the baby blackbirds that are nesting in my garden have flown the nest in a couple of weeks I'm going to take my cats outside and trust that they will be ok... I've spoken to a friend who runs a cattery and is familiar with cat behaviour and she has given me a step by step plan of how to do it... I know I'm going to find it tough, but it's time to be more flexible, to let go of rigid thinking and to trust my HP.
Thanks for your share Katy, I can really relate to your feelings around understanding your HP and facing your fears. It's something I very much struggle with but as I've heard so often in meetings, it's progress not perfection... :)
Thankyou glad, I appreciate that suggestion, I never thought about exploring what I was really fearful of, and writing it down, I suspect now you mention it, it will have nothing to do with what I had always percieved it has, and now I can start to change something, that's great!
Freya, I am without doubt a very rigid thinker, I have always been the same in or out up or down, full on or off, but I don't like how that feels anymore and I want to know how to change that, I realise it's preventing better things from happening for us I say us because my presonal relationship is affected by my fears, I am still unable to be fully my own person around what my A is doing, I have to get my support from people that are healthy and well balanced.
Good luck with your cat's, you know they will love you lot's if you let them out, my friend had an expensive cat that she darn't let out, in case it ran off, and then in the end she took it out and it would run back in, now it goes in and out as it pleases only when they are there though, there is saying, if you love something, let it go, and if it's true love it will come back, I love that.
I love that saying too Katy. Your post really resonated with me, and I spent time yesterday thinking about what you had written about rigid thinking. It dawned on me in a deep way how I stop good things coming to me because of how fearful I am, and also how much of an impact it has had on my relationships. I want to change too, and yesterday, met up with a friend to go the the cinema, and had so much fun. I could think up lots of reasons not to go, but could see how I was being rigid with my thinking and went anyway. Somewhere along the line I've forgotten how to have fun, being so tied up in fears and hyper-vigilance. It's really time for me to "Let go and let God" and see what happens. My cats have no idea how much fun they're going to have!
Thanks Katy for sharing your thoughts, they've helped me see myself a bit more clearly, and made a big difference to my day yesterday. Freya
