The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I am panicky over things - some I am powerless over. 1. I have to move Oct. 31 & there is no 1 bed. apt. available to date - esp. w/ hurricane vics moving in. I have to have 1st floor & other needs since I'm disabled. If I don't move, my rent will increase by $300 per month. I've been calling - turning this over - it's down to the wire now for me to give notice by Sept. 30 & still no apt. Need car repairs & inspection - need dog care - So many needs I'll not mention - HP knows In so much chronic physical pain & some medicine hasn't come in. So - I know I'm powerless over apt. vacancies, etc. - turn over to HP - do my part - ask HP help Need wisdom & clarity 1 option would be if manager would lower rent of apt I'm in - ya right debts far outweigh income - racking up credit card debt
2. Not able to make ftf meetings for a few months - miss it - so isolated - adds to depression - cleaning out 19 yr. old daughter's room - grieving over my failures as a parent & normal empty nest stuff - like having to see her ballet shoes - her crayons, baby book, & baby bracelet from the hospital - a lifetime of memories - grieving - she had to grow up so quickly - I got into Alanon when she was 17 - writing a 2nd amends letter to her - asking HP to help repair broken relationship. I talked to her yesterday - she's depressed - don't know why - it was her bday - wanna run & fix her & hug her & apologized 100 times & do it all over again with alanon tools. I love her as she is - I want her to be healthy.
3. Working step 4 - grieving my childhood - writing journals - aware of character defects & where they come from grieving relationships with mother - step mom and others due to disease - emotional pain
4. My dad is having health problems & I think I hurt his feelings - he's an alanon - I tried to make amends in an email and think I screwed that up.
5. Dog is in pain 2 & needs care
Gratitudes are numerous - esp. finding this site & the people in it. I have a good sponsor - I have basic needs met. I have recently been very depressed and Dr. is changing one med to see if it helps. He said also not to isolate. I am risking reaching out to help to ya'll. This even feels wierd to me. I've told my sponsor - the cool thing is - she accepts me just as I am - as me - depressed and all. I can tell her all my secrets - she doesn't run away - (fear of abandonment). I feel that from a few in my ftf group.
The growth - it feels painful at times, I wonder if I'll ever "get thru".
If anyone has ESH - I'd be grateful. Ya'll are courageous, wise people - been to hell and back too. I feel that sense of acceptance in this site somewhat.
Panicky, growing pains, Thank you for your help, Cedarpines
I'm not much help today. I just wanted you to know your not alone. I read your post because it said Panicky. That is just how I fell today very panicky. I'm worried about my job i think I bured my bridges at it. I'm having a hard time getting over it. I also worry about my daughter Am I a good parent. Some times I feel i'm to short with her. But man does she push my buttons. I'm sure she got it from living in my house when A was active. Lots of fights then. So I feel a lot of guilt. You made me think I should do a gratitude list so I'm off to start one. Some time I don;t because I'm afraid I'll have nothing to put on it.
Well keep coming. I guess I just anted to write to say your not alone. (((((((((((((((((((((((((Cedarpines))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) A friend in recovery NIKKILOU
(((cedarpines))) I hope today you find a bit of peace and that you feel the love, protection and support of not only those around you but also from your HP.
