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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I might have an addiction?!
Post Info TOPIC: I might have an addiction?!
tj


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I might have an addiction?!
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I feel there is something wrong with me. That I am in some way sick. I have an addiction. Me? I've never done drugs before in my life? Me? I don't even drink to get drunk - a few glass a year...

My addiction seems to be in not caring for myself to the degree I should, but rather in devoting my energy to my husband (fighting addictions to drugs - fighting and sometimes winning and sometimes losing, but still fighting)

How can such a good quality of being kind and caring get twisted and perverted into now being my worst quality - something that could destroy me if I don't get it in check. I guess my addiction is to helping... to thinking i can better manage someone else's life than they can their own.

I want to get better right away. Now. My family dysfunction was sexual abuse. This too left scars. I feel like I am being counselled to death. It's hard work to undue something you weren't even aware of - but now I know there's something wrong and I want to get better.

 

10 Signs of Codependency

1/ Caretaking Person feels responsible for other people

 

2/ Controlling Person feels out of control and tries to control others

 

3/ Problems with intimacy the codependent chooses people with problems in order to take care of them. The relationship is usually quite troubled I dont deliberately do this, but it seems to be the case.

 

4/ Lack of self-esteem

 

5/ Poor communication skills

 

6/ Poor sense of self identity

 

7/ Anger Codependent gives to others but does not get from them there is an unhealthy give and take in my current relationship

 

8/ Fear of confrontation to some extent

 

9/ Perfectionism I have had this tendency in the past

 

10/ People Pleasing I do feel happy and more harmonious when others are happy and I cant remember ever not having this quality (I loved to make my parents happy, my teachers happy, etc.)

I hilited the ones I struggle with.

 

Co-dependents essentially good quality is morph into something that is harmful to themselves and others. This fact must be impressed upon codependents again and again, for they are under the illusion that they are being helpful.

http://www.depthcounsellingtoronto.com/Codependency.html 

It is not selfish or wrong to take care of the self in a loving manner.

When we do this we can, in fact, be loving and helpful to others in a manner that is truly helpful.

Peace to everyone on the journey!



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pinkchip


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Codependency is a common pattern among the partners of alcoholics and alcoholics themselves. Don't feel alone. Check out the CoDA board on MIP too.

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Jerry F


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"How can such a good quality of being kind and caring get twisted and perverted into now being my worst quality - something that could destroy me if I don't get it in check. I guess my addiction is to helping... to thinking i can better manage someone else's life than they can their own."

I have actually had this thought many times myself while on the road to finding the solution to it.

The solution came from the membership especially one member who's definition of love remains mine today and still guides me. 

I learned that what I was doing wasn't "loving" or "being loving" it was mostly being in fear...needing to see someone else act out what I thought should be and being afraid of being wrong.  What the member taught me was "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are.  She didn't even mention "her alcoholic" she had progress beyond "just her alcoholic" and had adapted "being loving" as a part of her normal character. 

When I learned how to do this myself I found out that there was absolutely "nothing wrong" with my alcoholic wife or anyone else for that matter and I didn't need to judge or attempt to fix them.  Complete and total acceptance...and I stopped being addicted to fixing or restructuring other people, place and things.

Stop using...  Thanks for the post.  ((((hugs)))) smile



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flopadopilus


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Hi there I am wondering if you have read the book Codependent No More? It helped me so much!

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God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
tj


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"Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are. 

I ponder your definition. I do love my husband and always will despite if he ever overcomes his addiction.

Am I being loving to myself - when being with him is taking so much from me - my money in the thousands and sense of security - my self esteem

I do not know if he is with me because i love him or because i give him things. I need to be loved for me. Often my energy goes to is he lying or not. Will he do what he says? Is he changing to be nonabusive. I don't think anyone deserves abuse.

Love is patient, love is kind, love is not selfish...love delights in truth

I do love him and always will. I need a healthy love. One with a healthy give and take and not just take take take

Loving someone and living with them are not the same. He is self-destructive by choice, i do not want to self-destruct in the process.

I do love him unconditionally - but to love myself I may have to let him go.



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glad lee


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Hi sweetie, it feels like I'm sitting here reading my twin sister.

I love Jerry's definition of love. I am mindful now of substituting, "I love you" to "I accept you" in my relationships.

Now........... use it for your Self......... "I accept you."

Be where you are.

Personally, I had to get out of my marriage. The only way he could live with me was to minimize me. And when I became stronger in al-anon, he had to step up his efforts to keep me down. Perhaps if I were stronger in recovery, I would've been able to deflect all that, but on a daily basis, it took a lot of energy. We are not saints. I need support on my journey too.

The suggestion is to dive into recovery and settle in before you make any significant changes in your life. I am very grateful that I followed this suggestion. When I did finally decide to leave, I was peaceful and calm, it wasn't an angry reaction. I did it with the guidance of my sponsor. I did it with my Higher Power.

Remember though, we didn't get this way overnight, so there can be no overnight, quick fixes. (aaah, but that's what I want! I wanna feel better now and it's all this a**holes fault! haha, that was me a few years ago. Today, I see that as spiritual immaturity.) In recovery, I learned how to be calm and stop rushing and chasing my own solutions... which ultimately never worked for me anyway.

Get to as many meetings as you can. Find a sponsor. Work the steps. Get quiet and calm. Then the answers come. That's how it worked for me.

(((big hugs)))





-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 21st of April 2011 06:47:31 AM

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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
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