The -suggestion- in AA is no -NEW- relationships for the first year

My experience is alcoholism/codependency affects everyone it comes into contact with, and in my experience both go into the relationship with a pre-disposition for a role, whether it be alcoholic -markers- or codependent ones, healthy people don't pick unhealthy people to have relationships with period, it's a mathematical equation, and if one partner, doesn't matter which one, gets into recovery and evolves and grows and the other doesn't, the relationship doesn't last or gets incredibly uncomfortable

Relationships, particularly unhealthy ones are like mobiles hanging over a babies crib, and when one partner chooses recovery it throws the dynamic out of balance to the discomfort of everyone involved, the only way I personally have ever seen relationships survive the transition in a healthy way, and I have seen it hundreds of times since I have sponsored hundreds of guys is when both partners go into recovery, both have programs they keep seperate, and a =program= that overlaps such as couples counseling, I have seen a great many un-healthy relationships survive the transition but they had nothing that interested me, the alcoholic didn't change much, remained the designated patient, the codie didn't change much, and the relationship just gets toxic, I see people remain in these relationships for years because it's what both partners know, it's what both partners are comfortable with

The best relationships I have ever had, the most healthy, have been with people who have worked the twelve steps, some alcoholic, some alonics, but recovery is recovery, and people who have truly worked the steps and evolved are amazing creatures, they take responsibility like no mans business, communicate, and since they have already shared their deepest darkest secrets at group level, they don't have too  much trouble being truthful to me

Now that being said I don't think I'd ever -start- a relationship with an alcoholic that had less then 5 years sobriety ever again, as they are unproven at best, and still immature, sick and twisted at worst, but the same is true of an alonic, I wouldn't ever pick another sick, unrecovered one of those either to start a relationship, HOWEVER, in MY EXPERIENCE when I was with a partner willing to evolve -with- me, as in work her own program and then bring that to the table, I healed an AMAZING amount of family of origin stuff, we healed and grew together, and she was a recovered alcoholic, and I had the same experience with an alonic years later, we evolved and grew together, but she -started- recovery after we got together so to say the ride was rougher would be like saying the titanic was a ship that sank, we arrived at the same place it's just it was a LOT more painful and took longer

Some people say -all- alcoholics are -all- liars and manipulative no matter drunk or sober, and -all- codependents are controlling and passive aggressive, for me we might as well say all blacks are criminals, mexicans are lazy, asians are inscrutable, men are pigs and women are crazy, I have met absolutely amazing, I mean AMAZING recovered alcoholics, alonics, and people of ALL types, races, sexes, etc, and I have met s***heels of all of them as well and people who match their stereotypical profile, it's what -ACTIONS- they take that defines who they are to me, now granted the alcoholic in their first few years does have ups and downs and mood swings, and crazy making behavior but so does ANYONE including alonics in their first few years of recovery because what we are doing is replacing our entire operating system, we are completely changing who we are as human beings, and we are going to make some mistakes, big and small, which is why I would never choose a newcomer (in their first five years again) but what I have to remember is someones mate is a perfect barometer of who THEY are, we pick people as emotionally evolved as we are, we pick our mirror, I have NEVER seen that proven wrong in 20 years, 2 "D" students don't write an "A" paper, period, so if my partner needs work, so do I, there is no such thing as a "designated patient" in a relationship where that person is the only one sick and we as alonics pick these people based on patterns we learned in childhood because they are comfortable, when I changed, so did the people I choose to spend my life with, but when BOTH partners change and get into recovery at the same time, strange things happen, maybe they spend a few years working on themselves and decide the truth is they don't like each other very much, I have personal experience with that, and maybe one falls by the wayside in their recovery, whether it's the AA or the alonic and the relationship fails, I have seen that a number of times as well, and maybe both both stay on the path of recovery, work the steps and both evolve into amazing human beings, I have seen that dozens of times as well, but I learned all I have control over is whether I work MY program or not, because if I do my life will change, and the funny thing is when I did that I was blessed with people that also worked their own program

Like Jack Kornfield said in a book, my parents hated me when I was a Buddhist, but loved me when I was a Buddha, which just means enlightened and aware, that was my experience as well

In relationships I have learned we are always growing, always evolving, however the thing I have learned to look for is: Are we growing together? because if we are not, we are growing apart, but we are doing one or the other

As long as BOTH partners are willing to grow and evolve and know the road ahead is going to be rocky anything is possible, doesn't matter if it's an alcoholic or an alonic or a screaming codie, people CAN evolve and grow, and if both partners are willing to take the certain hard knocks that lie in the road ahead they can evolve together

You'll notice all my examples had -BOTH- partners doing the work, mainly because I don't have any experience with only one partner doing the work and the relationship surviving, the old dynamics have to go, the -designated patient- has to go, two sick people can get better but if one partner remains in denial about their sickness the prognosis doesn't look good for that partner, and the sad thing is that partner gets dumped, finds a new partner even sicker then the old partner and continues to blame both partners for their their own mental illness, I have seen both alonics and AAer's do this frequently as well

I learned if I worked my own program all my answers would fall into place effortlessly and so would solutions, it was me trying to run my own life and figure everything out that caused all my problems in the first place

I wrote this as a response to a PM, but I felt it was germaine to this thread, so am posting it here as well

if I were to pass on only one thing, it would be to take your own inventory and not his, work your own program and not his, we as alcoholics and codies tend to "mirror" the actions of those around us, so if we take their inventory, they take ours, if we blame and and fingerpoint, they blame and fingerpoint, when we project our stuff on them, they project their stuff on us, when it's "an eye for an eye" we all end up blind, it's a game with no winner, but if we work a strong program and focus on ourselves sometimes they do too, when we are growing and learning "recovery" we tend to "model" the behaviors of those around us and take on their attributes and those around us, aka in a relationship with us do the same, when I behave in a healthy way and take my own inventory, and am open and vulnerable, that's the response I get in return.

The woman who dragged me kicking and screaming into adulthood, I mean -REAL- adulthood did so by remaining still and vulnerable, arguing with her...it would have felt like killing a kitten, her vulnerability made her invulnerable because there was nothing to attack...she would just sit there...and state her truth...and since it was in "I feel" messages and she was so honest and open about it...there was nothing to argue about, nothing to attack, it FORCED me to be still and respond in kind...it was incredibly uncomfortable...but it was like I had no other choice, be a grown up or kill the kitten...it hurt to learn something so new because I LIKED a good dust up even though I didn't even know, maybe I liked make up sex or something, but that was how I communicated, like in Jerry Maguire, guys says to Tom Cruise, "that's the difference between you and I, you think we are fighting and I think we are finally getting somewhere in our communication"

Holding still, being vulnerable, and stating our truth, being honest, focusing on our own behaviors and owning our own responsibilities gets really different results, often surprising ones

Reading linbaba's esh to your post makes total sense. In fact I read it twice.  In fact, I may even print it :) I really dont think I could add anymore than what was said there.........