The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have felt led to post on this topic for a while now. It is controversial in a way, but I see it as a part of my ESH to share, and it may just help one person who doesn't know what he/she doesn't know.
My exAH was drinking/using for many years and I just did not know it. Honestly, I just thought he was a jerk. His tiredness and lack of connection was blamed on working too much, and since we owned a business he was able to always be at work. I saw he drank too much on social occasions, but didn't know enough about Aism to know it was a problem. He had the perfect alibi, hiding places and excuses. He drank only at night, but left enough evidence at work that his employees figured out he had a problem. To this day I don't think his intellectual function at work was affected much if at all, but his relationships and ability to manage his employees was atrocious. It was constant crisis and chaos. During this time he was also having an affair with a married employee (an A too who he is still with today). It was when he started up with her that his illness spiraled down, to drinking and passing out every single night at his office. To say I was a crazy woman would be an understatement.
Anyhow, his bookeeper ended up talking to his sister and scheduling an intervention. I did not find out about it until 48 hrs before. He went, came home (got kicked out cause g/f was sneaking in), started AA, stopped AA cause it was full of angry, troubled people, defied all the agreements we made, I made him leave, and the cycle of addictions was going again. While the intervention didn't technically "work", it did interupt the disease, planted some seeds, and more importantly got me a chance to take a breath and get on a course of help for me. Of course, he denied starting up again, but I knew enough to know he was, and had to get help to keep myself from going down with him.
So, that is the background. He is sober today, and has been for the past 3.5 years. The first couple of years were hideous. We are divorced and he is a different man, and yeah, I am still working on my resentments over that one. Anyhow, how he got there was that I got him into a Diversion Program, which essentially is forced recovery available for his profession. It worked, because while losing his family, home, respect or life didn't matter, he did not want to lose his professional license. I spoke with the employee that was involved in the intervention (and had actually hid his problem and enabled him for 6 yrs) and got her to get him to call himself in. She let him know that if he called himself in his license would be protected and problems confidential, but if someone else did (and she would) it would not be. She also let him know she had the support of his family and friends. By the grace of God, it worked, and he is 3.5 years into a 5 year program.
I just want to let everyone know that many businesses/professionals have help available. Programs vary from state to state, and I do not know everyone it is available to, but I just want to get the info out there.. I know it is available to the medical community and to attorneys (called "the other bar" :) The program he is in is 5 years, and the statistics of those sticking it out is low. He actually looked into getting out but discovered it would cost him 10-15 K to do so. It is tough including initially 90 meetings in 90 days. When he missed a few, he had to start over, thus ended up with close to 150 days. After that, he had to continue a certain number of weekly AA meetings, group therapy, individual therapy, limited work hrs, and calling in every single day for random testing. The effect it had on the business in a poor economy was not good, but he is alive today and happy that he is. He is no longer my husband, but an loving and involved father, better than he ever was.
I realize that this post ended up being about him, but I just wanted to get the info out there. Forced recovery and interventions are controversial, but they can work. I am very aware that the program is going to end, and hope that when the time comes I will have enough alanon under my belt that I will just be able to have faith and live my life. Its been a rough road, but I am resiliant and a survivor. Al-anon saved me and I will be forever grateful for the program and all of your here at MIP. I will definatly keep coming back.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
My ex-AW went to a couple of different Treatment Centers.... The first one was a government sponsored 28-day program, where they were allowed to come & go as they pleased, could go home (or go out) on weekends, etc... .that one didn't do much for her, as she was drinking 11 days later..... That being said, I know of several people who attended that very same session, and have maintained their sobriety and recovery..... I think it boils down to when they are truly ready to get better....
Her second treatment center was much more rigid and rules oriented - they had very few freedoms, and "rules" were one of the mainstays of re-teaching them the sense (and consequences) of right & wrong... .This facility also accepted patients "kicking and screaming" (i.e. forced recovery) where need be....
I don't think there is one specific 'formula' of success for alcoholics choosing recovery..... Some succeed with a softer, more holistic aproach, while others need a much more rigid, almost military type of approach.... In my experience, most kinds of "forced recovery" only works when the addict is ready to get better, at some level.... If they really don't want to have recovery, they will resist.... The tough thing for us is to be able to discern if they are ready or not....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I suspect the success of "forced" recovery is really due to the seeds being planted, and the addict really seeing that they aren't different when it comes to their addiction. I don't think anyone will stay "in recovery" unless they really want it, more than anyone else in their life. I had an intervention for my wife after she had a massive relapse following a 30 day inpatient stay. I think that the shock of what happened and how far she fell may have finally opened her eyes to her own disease, but it took a realization within her, and no reasoned arguments from anyone could have convinced her. Ultimately though the "intervention" is really for the family and friends of the addict. We are saying that we care, but can no longer be a part of the addiction, after that it's up to the addicted person wether or not they find recovery.
Now I am learning about my own recovery as well as the familiy's recovery. The affect of the disease and the fear and anger that the children struggle to suppress and so often is expressed unconsciously in unrelated ways is what I really need to be aware of. I found/find myself placing not just my, but my familys happiness on the success of my wife's recovery. No matter how much we care about my wife, it's just not a safe bet to put your happiness on the line when it comes to alcoholism. I can feel my kids wondering "if it's safe" yet. I am trying to figure out how to communicate that they are being looked after, without promising too much.
Sorry, went a bit off the original topic there. I think it's a good subject. We all need to recognize that recovery is a family issue, putting it all on the Alcoholic is too much burden, even if their actions while actively in addiction might make us want to put responsibility on them. The "forcing" part really needs to be setting our own boundaries, and being willing to finally follow through, it is still up to the addicted person to find their own recovery. It is up to us to find our happiness regardless of the progress of the addicted person. I know I sound like I'm quoting "approved literature" a bit, but there's a reason the literature makes such rational sense. The trick is bringing the emotional mental state up to speed with the rational mental outlook. I'm still struggling with that, but getting better everyday and allowing myself to recognize it's not a linear path, but a path of trial and error.
-- Edited by DadtoCandE on Monday 18th of April 2011 01:14:15 PM
Appreciated reading this post so far. It will likely be especially helpful to newcomers.
I think Tom is the one that pointed out there is no formula for recovery.
My then-husband ( I don't like the prefix "ex") went to 2 different 30-day rehab facilities. After he got out of the 2nd one, he swore it was the BEST rehab in the world. Unfortunately, he was back to drinking within two weeks.
He soon went south of the border to his brother's little home in a remote villiage for a 3-month stay (he was "forced" into retirement after his 2nd DUI; not a pretty way to retire; he was a very dedicated employee for 30+ years - Sad). He does a lot of fishing there, and in the past, a helluva lot of drinking; I went only 1 year and could not wait to get out of there due to the drinking, starting at 10 AM. I have no idea how he is doing. He will return the first part of May. I try to not even think about it - just deal with it as it comes. It's his recovery; I've no control.
DadtoCanE - you made some great points. It's so true: our happiness should not rest upon what the person with the drinking problem does or does not do. That's a difficult lesson to practice - I know!
Lou - thanks for bringing up this topic. Appreciate it! May your then-husband beat the odds!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I've read that doctors who are on the brink of losing their licenses have a higher recovery rate than those who have already lost them, the thinking being there is some leverage that gets them into recovery. When leverage works and when it doesn't would be a useful thing for some experts to study. Obviously family doesn't have leverage, since many addicts lose their families without pausing to think. But an official body such as a medical board seems to have a little more leverage -- though not in all cases, obviously.
I'm glad your ex seems to be on the path of recovery, Loupiness, though how exasperating that he did it after he'd already put you through the wringer. This just confirms what is hardest for me -- that I have to stop sacrificing in relationships in hope of some future payoff. So far the future payoff has never paid off -- I've been like someone who keeps on sending money to Bernie Madoff after the headlines about the fraud have already come out! So once again it comes down to "What are we gonna do?" -- funny how it always comes down to that...
This is a good post and the responses are supportive. In AA it is often mentioned that "there are no guarantees" of or in recovery and what makes that acceptable is that we only live "One day at a time". We do our program now...only. That keeps it most simple and I don't have to worry about what hasn't arrived yet while having hope in what has worked on the journey. I've been a therapist in Alcohol and Substance addictions and also a life time member of the Al-Anon and AA programs. The word "Forced" always suggest to me that others are wanting sobriety for the alcoholic instead of the alcoholic wanting it for themselves. Several of us discussed this very thing a day or two ago and shared our experiences on it. Although there are fellows who got in when they were against any sort of program and in time with support made the commitment to personal recovery (I am such) there are many more who get worse when force is applied and again I relate both for my alcoholic ex-wife and for myself. "If we have the capacity to be willing and honest" is mentioned as the tools necessary to start our journey. With outside force willingness is at a minimum and honesty is superficial...the disease is "thee" Higher Power or the Highest Power. In hindsight for me I go with "whatever works" use it to save one more victim of this cunning powerful and baffling disease.
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 19th of April 2011 12:05:39 AM
