Please if anyone has any advice I need it - Al-Anon Family Group

so very sad · Newbie

Please if anyone has any advice I need it

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there so very sad, I can relate to your share and would like to say welcome to MIP. It sounds like you definitely found the right place. Have you ever been to an Al-anon meeting in person. I am thinking if you could find 1 in your area it would be of great help to you to get into a regular group and find a sponsor.

Alcoholism is such a ugly disease! I am still within the first few months of finding Al-anon and been on this site even less time and I have learned so many tools already. I read Al-anon books every chance I get and it has greatly improved my life. I no longer think life is a mere string of days to be survived. I have my moments, but they are far less than when it was just my everyday life!

I am glad you found your way here and hopefully you will be able to make it to some face to face Al-anon meetings in your future. Take care of yourself!!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe that for everyone who comes here who have sat and shared as you have and then listened to the responses from others that they have felt the same as you, did the same as you have done, thought the thoughts and said the words you have said here. We know and today we know that we know what alcoholism is and what it does to everything it touches including the alcoholic.

I also use to say "I love her" talking about my active alcoholic/addict and I though I did until I listened to more wiser members of the Al-Anon family groups. Some told me that perhaps I was in love with being in love and others told me that perhaps I was talking about my own addiction. Others told me that I needed to know the difference between the wife I talked about and the alcoholic I lived my life with and it was all true; it and more.

I had to do something more different than I had ever done in my life and that was to enter into the family of people who had experienced what I was experiencing and had learned how to reclaim their minds, bodies, spirits and emotions whether the alcoholic was still drinking or not and so my first suggestion to you is the first suggestion I took.

Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look for the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area. Call that number and listen for the times and places of the meetings and then go to the very first available one that you can. If you get a live person to talk to talk and listen as best you can...listen mostly. In any case get to the first face to face meeting you can and find your seat...there will be more than enough available. You will be offered a "new comers packet" read it all and before you leave go over to the literature table and scan over all that is available to you. In the meeting listen with the most open mind you can manage and share; or not, if it is available to you. Go to as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days and continue to listen and learn with that open mind and then start practicing...practice, practice, practice the suggestions, the steps, the traditions and slogans. Always keep coming back there and here. This is the start of your own miracle. We're in it with you. (((((hugs))))) smile

Otie · Senior Member

Dear so very sad, At one time I felt about the marriage vows just as you do--it was in my first marriage, long ago. I was miserable (by the way, he wasn't "A", but other things just as bad) but determined to live up to the marital contract. Then, one day it dawned on me that both parties agree to the same contract. I realized that my contract was very broken. I the felt the burden of unnecessary guilt lifted from my shoulders. I divorced him. I don't feel guilty and I don't regret it--he is still exactly the jerk today as he was so long ago!!

You are so very sad and are a "wreck" as you say. My heart aches for you and I want to ask you how much you value your life? Life is too short.

Dear so very sad, I am offering you my experiences. PLEASE do whatever it takes to make yourself Not this way. The people here will help you!!

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Jude!

I know how you are feeling. Been there. Done ALL of it, too! There is hope for you.

Please check this link out. There are 9 short audios to listen to regarding Al-anon meetings. Speakers are genuine Al-Anon members. Also, click on the links to the left. They have excellent info too. (see link below)

I spent YEARS reading every book on alcoholism and every self-help book printed. I have an extensive collection. I also have YEARS of counseling with a great psychologist. They all helped immensely. However, I just started attending meetings about a month and a half ago and discovered that I would have most likely began recovering my sanity a lot sooner if I had attended meetings!

I can't begin to tell you what meetings do for me. I wish I could take you myself!

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/what-do-al-anon-members-have-to-say

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

So very sad-I am so sorry you're going through this. You need to know this- You did not cause his drinking, you can't control it, you can't cure it. But alanon can help you to deal with it and take care of yourself first. As far as leaving or staying, no one will tell you what to do, that's your decision. I often think about splitting from my ah but just can't seem to do it. In spite of the problems his drinking causes, he is a good man and I love him very much. Maybe one of these days I will change my mind. I don't know. But I do know that alanon and all the great people here have helped me to make my life better. I suggest you read and learn as much as you can about alcoholism. And attend some meetings. If you can't get to a face to face meeting, there are meetings here online. Please keep coming back. And remember, you are NOT alone!

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

((Jude))

I know the devastation and the loss. My exAH was having an affair and I hung on as tight as I could. I was ready to abandon all that I believed in for the family I thought we should be. The family we could be. The family we would be, if only. I accepted the unacceptable, became depressede, and engaged in crazy behavior. One day I finally had enough, and was "ready" . I called him at work and told him the kids and I would be gone that night, and to be gone by morning. Of course, he was the victim, even though he technically had already left me for her.

It is 4 years later, and he is sober and I am recovering. I realize now how unhappy I was and that I do not love him anymore. Ocassionally I have flashbacks to what was, and it is in those times that I can really acknowlege that my life is and will continue to be so much better than it was. I still have a ways to go, but I am more in reality now. Not sure I would have got there without the support of al-anon, my meetings, sponsor and literature. Al-anon is truly the path to peace!

Blessings,
Lou

DreamXL · Senior Member

Thank you for your post.......:) I just want to say that getting to some alanon meetings if possible is the best thing you can do for yourself. You will find tons of support and understanding in the rooms. Also we have on line meetings twice a day here that are also wonderful in addition to the face to face meetings which I believe are crutial. Living with alcholics/addicts our thinking becomes distorted to say the least, it effects us for sure. We are similair to the alcholic in that we have to hit our bottom before we reach out for help and thats what got me here. Today I am grateful because believe me I came crawling in here. We are powerless over others and their addictions..Addictions are personal they have nothing to do with us, but they sure do effect us...please keep coming back and I hope you think about getting to meetings, they are life savers...ty and blessings your way.

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. Read your story and it sounds very familiar. There is a saying in alanon; Nothing changes if nothing changes. You are not responsible for your AH's alcoholism. You will not be able to "cure" him. You will not be able to stop him from drinking if that is what he chooses to do. I'm not telling you to leave your AH. What I am suggesting, is to work on YOU. You can find peace and happiness whether your AH is drinking or not, regardless of if you stay with him or not.

As far as no support from family or friends, you will always have people to turn to in Alanon. We all understand probably better than anybody else. But in the same breath, the road to recovery is there for YOU, but it is hard work and life long. But the more you work on you, the easier it becomes. Living with an alcoholic can be like living in an insane asylum. Our behavior and "hangups" that we have now, we have learned/developed over the years of living in the chaos. This program works. Jump in with both feet and I hope you will be pleasantly surprised how quickly things can change for you. Good luck to you... in recovery.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP,

I do hope you begin to attend meetings and get support. One of the most surprising things for me to learn is that all I had sacrificed, done and given to my A (for 20 yrs) is what helped keep him in his disease. I was making it easy for him to continue by not allowing him to deal with the consequences he created. Instead I walked behind him like the person scooping poop after parade animals.

There is much you can do to change your situation. Alanon teaches us how to create personal boundaries along with consequences if those boundaries are crossed. We also go on a journey of discovery as to why we allow what we do. Many times at the root there is abandonment issues or fear of being alone and not being able to make it. When we step back and look some discovery they have been doing things alone for a long time anyway.

In my opinion, when someone has the strength to live with a active A, they have more strength then the person that lives on easy street, they just don't know it. Alanon will show you where to channel your strengths. It's work, but not as hard as what you are dealing with now.

Christy

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Your story is the common story of the significant other of an alcoholic. You DEFINITELY could find lots of help and support in Alanon. I would go. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Time to focus on you and getting something out of your life. It's not going to come from him clearly.

so very sad · Newbie

wanted to thank you for your reply

so very sad · Newbie

thank you so much for your reply

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