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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> NOTHING IS DIFFERENT
Post Info TOPIC: NOTHING IS DIFFERENT
RunnerMom


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NOTHING IS DIFFERENT
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My "R"AH has a few weeks of sobriety strung together between periods of drinking a "few" beers (according to him- sure!).  He talks a good game, pretends to or maybe is going to AA meetings a lot, has a therapist (who he tells me he sees to deal with my "abuse"?!).

He is more vicious than he EVER was when he was drinking.  Now he's quicker with his tongue and can be nastier and throw more venomous words at me.

He PRETENDS to be nice to me as long as NOTHING is asked of him.  Then the second there's anything other than prince-like treatment, he twists/distorts and spews lies at me telling me that I'm causing toxicity/tension/stress-- all bc I expect basic decency.

I really hope he starts to drink again.  Dealing with him sober is 1,000,000 times harder.  The more I focus on me, the more focussed he is on trying to suck me in and derail me.  He is simmering with anger and tells me outright that he has every right to have all the resentments he does toward me and doesn't have any intention to deal with them (but claims he's going to AA and has a sponsor).  FWIW, the resentments are about things like me checking our bank acct and seeing that he took money out to buy booze after saying he didn't.  I've never lied to, cheated on, stolen from, hurt him... But to hear him talk you'd think that I was the one who has treated HIM terribly all these years vs the other way around.

I thought when he wanted to get sober (and I guess the problem is that he knows he needs to but doens't actually WANT to and thus all the anger) things would get better.  They are far far worse and I feel like all that is left for me to do is to divorce him.  

Living like this, putting our kids in this scene (even when I don't interact with him it is just tense and miserable and he's so passive aggressive it makes everyone stressed out) is torture....

Have any of you made it through this with your marriage in tact?



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KimmyJo


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I have gone thru the EXACT same thing... It is NO fun!

Hopefully you are in a Alanon program, Trust me, It will help you alot!!!

Time to take care of you!!! Keep on reading, asking questions, learning..

 

I am at new at this also. (Your not alone)

3 weeks after my AH got out of rehab he moved away.

Now having a couple of months by myself, I am finding peace and finding myself

and understanding that I never want to live that way again.

(Drinking or not drinking) Its not for me.

Theres alot of MENTAL issues with an alcoholic, Its not just the drinking.

Its the alcoholic diesase. It helped me alot, to research and understand

what the diesase really is...It is their minds, not just a glass bottle...

 

Spending time with my son when he comes thru town, is now quality

time spent together. We actually laugh & enjoy the time together, instead

of him seeing mom, an emotional mess... Im starting to see, how much I missed

with my son over the years, due to me, spending all of my energy & worries

on my husband and his diesase...I now get to come home from a lunch date

with my son and have NO stress, NO drama, NO drunk or NO drunk attitudes.

 

 Here is a link, that really helped me understand early sobriety.

Some people can deal with, I could not...

http://www.peggyferguson.com/userfiles/10846/file/articles2/Essential-Marriage%20Survival.pdf



-- Edited by KimmyJo on Saturday 16th of April 2011 09:40:21 AM



-- Edited by KimmyJo on Saturday 16th of April 2011 09:41:45 AM



-- Edited by KimmyJo on Saturday 16th of April 2011 09:42:15 AM



-- Edited by KimmyJo on Saturday 16th of April 2011 09:42:40 AM

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Kimmy Jo
canadianguy


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Hi...  sorry you're going through all that.... just for clarity, the word "sober" doesn't sound applicable to him right now....  "dry" might be more appropriate, as "sober" implies that he is not actively drinking AND is working a program of recovery for himself..... Sounds to me like he is, at best, dry at the moment, and still lying to himself about his recovery.....

All that being said, the answer is still the same - "he is either gonna drink (or be an ass, or project his problems onto you, or play the blame game, or whatever) or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

 

Choose recovery, for you, and turn that energy and focus onto you and your recovery...

 

Tom



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
maryjane


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Oh wow, it sounds like blame the family again. That is why Al-Anon encourages detachment. You can't take what they say or do seriously. It feels personal, but it's not. And early sobriety is when your expectations are high, but you need detachment the most because, in reality, your expectations should be just as low, or lower than when he was actively using. Protect yourself and your heart.

I also encourage you to google Amen Clinics web site. Dr. Amen has taken pictures of an alcholic/addict brain and shows the big holes in it that the drugs make. We always want to forget the mental illness that addiction causes. Keep in your mind that no sane person would ever choose what they choose. Their only way out is illness/death, imprisonment or sobriety.

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maryjane
likemyheart


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Runnermom I am going through the exact same things with my AH - he is not living at home, blames me for the toxicity/ stress, etc. You could be writing about mine just as easily. I realize now that NOTHING i do is going to help besides backing out altogether and leaving him in the hands of whatever HP there is out there. I read Pinkchip's posts with sadness because I wish his self-awareness for my AH and it makes me sad to know that I have to let go of him altogether right now because his anger at everything wrong in his life is pointed at me even though I've only known him for 3 years (he's 46). The hatred he directs towards me just breaks me worse than anything else; the venom in him towards me feels sometimes like getting hit in the gut and I have to back out to stop it from happening over and over and over again.

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Carley01


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you are not alone.
I am not keeping my marriage intact, for the mere reasons of fearing going through this again.

I read something the other day that kind of hit home with me:
"Preserving the status quo in my marriage has been at the expense of my own self."

I wish you the best

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RunnerMom


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Thanks everyone-- I was really pissed off yesterday and sick of his crap and just needed to vent and clearly was not real focussed on what I CAN control and on myself... I'm calmer today-- not sure why but I'll take it. And ironically I am calmer despite his pulling a big stunt last night that has continued today. I'm not letting it get to me and though it pops into my head now and then I just tell myself 'nothing you can do about it-- his issue to deal with' and go back to focussing on me...

Sometimes I wonder how he has the energy to focus so much on being nasty to me-- it's like a 2nd full time job for him.

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parfait624


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Runner Mom,
You said he is worse now that he is not drinking and he blames you for everything? Well I can relate! My Abf started his AA program in 2007 by summer of 2008 although dry he threw me to the curb because I was a terrible person. Then last spring he came back "changed" we had a good seven months of bliss. But again he is "dry" not sober. He smokes pot and he is addicted to gambling now. The chaos started again. He pushed me to my point of insanity and I started acting insane. Then again it was my fault and off he went. It seems to be cycle we all go through no matter how supportive or how much we work on ouselves. Because they are sick, it doesn't make sense because you can't make sense out of crazy. My Abf hasn't had a drink in 3 1/2 years and like I stated before the dry drunk is worse for me as well. Stay strong and hey sometimes you have to vent.

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