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You Know it is Funny at times the Things I learn in al-anon /Life... resently I have went thru a few hurdles in my life, and tho some are Very Hurtful and Very Real... I have learned that when someone speaks of "Perspective" its funny the differance from one person to another in how they "Preceive" it...
I am Far from Perfect and I need TONS of Work on my "Cody" self... When growing up in a world were I thought Helping People was a "gift" that God Gave me, I truly Thought out of my own Ignorance at some point that it was something I took Pride in...And I have... Funny how the tables can Flop just like that in a second... but ya know... I have sat with HP many of times over and claimed my stake in it... I know what i did wrong, and the repair may just not be what I had hoped, but I know that God will see me thru...
I have resently learned some stuff of my own family that i have been struggling with for some time, I have been Praying for them but I know it is not my battle to win, but I can be supportive to those that have done that for me... I have learned that tho My perspective of others isn't always So... I do try to at least explain my side of the street without Trampling the toes of others... I don't feel that My Gain should come at the cost of Hurting Someone else... And that is Mainly because I have been at the other side and been hurt by those I felt loved me, cared about me, or so I thought....
Funny how Growing up with alcoholics you learn how to entangle your life in the lives of others just to feel safe, even if it is unhealthy... For Me I Suppose it was at some Point, I NEEDED the Attention of others, (Or so I thought), or I wanted Justifcation of their Love..because I have Never Thought you Could Love from a Distance, but My Faith has Never been Tarnished in Me... Since Al-Anon I have learned that tho I have always desired those things, the more I entangle into the lives of others, the less of Me Remains...
I'm Doing My Best to get by just like the next person, and sometimes I have to make hard decission quickly... This Last Month as Left me with Alot of those decissions, and I can say that I am Not Happy with Nor did I 'expect' (Big No No I know) any of the out comes, but I know that HP is Giving me yet another Test, and I'm just doing the best I Can.
I have learned an Overwhelming amount this week about, "My" Perspective, & How I Precieve things apposed to others around me, and the differances at times has been quite shocking... But I'm Grateful for the Lesson that was Learned..
I don't know what I will do from here... But I See Change coming at me Full Force, and I Believe I am in a Place now that I can Recieve it... Openly & Willingly without fail...
Do I Still Hurt ... yep.. Do I still have moments were I Wish I Could Turn back time.. Sure... but I have learned that Trusting My HP that I am Right were I'm Meant to be, and Not only will My HP take care of Me... Theirs God Willing Will Care for them as Well... and I have to believe that... My Family has Always Come 1st in my Life, and that will never Change... I Have always Loved them Unconditional but I have Understood that at times we March a to a differant beat... Detach with Love and Just Accept & Move on... Can't say I'm Happy about it, But I have Accepted it...
I thought Helping People was a "gift" that God Gave me, me too Jozie - I don't WANT to give up helping people, I love that aspect of my life. It saddens me that i have to get hard and not be so nice and helpful in order to not fall into the same trap again and again. Sad, I can relate to your post.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Thanks for your thoughts and for sharing the journey. I worked for a Company whose PR Firms always stressed that "Perception is Reality". Meaning that it does not matter how good your product is, are as long as people see you as good that is what counts.
I think I always worked for people to perceive me as happy, good, perfect My outsides!!! However my insides, which only I saw and felt were filled with anger, resentments self pity and fear.
My Perspective, before al anon was that What people thought of me was all that mattered. I too am very grateful for al anon and the dramatic changes in my attitude and inner peace. It is no longer important what people think of me I am working on taking care of my insides and what I think of me is all that counts.
I also found that before al anon I was taking care of everyone else , hoping they would turn around and take care of me No one did that and so NO ONE was taking care of me. Practicing this program, trusting a HP and working the Steps, I have learned to Focus on myself, take care of myself first and then I can have compassion empathy and support for others Without expecting payback.
Helping people is one thing knowing when to stop is another , Al-Anon suggests that we leave other peoples stuff for them to fix it s not our job , it dosent say we cant help or be respectful . It took me awhile to understand the difference between caregiving and care taking , caregiving to me is simply helping if someone is in need care taking is i take over and fix thier problems which tells them I dont think thier smart enough to do it them selves . Keeps that self righteous part of me flourishing and takes away more of thier self esteem . contrary to my belief in the past I do not know what others should be doing or what is right for them , when I remember that my relationships remain in tact and I can let go .
