"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

roonpugs · Member

Weeks keep getting worse...

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, and sorry you're feeling down about things.... In my experience, early recovery might be "even harder", in some ways, than the active drinking days....

The key for your serenity is to turn that focus on to you and your children right now - allow him the dignity to find his way himself, and spend that focus and energy on you and your recovery..... I know it is easier said than done, but it really is the only answer....

"He will either drink (or recover, or be grouch, or not be dependable, or lie, or....) or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"

Choose recovery for you...

Take care

Tom

roonpugs · Member

Thank you Canadianguy for your reply. I do choose recovery for myself and my girls as hard as it is, but the part where you wrote "allow him the dignity to find his way himself" really got me thinking and is what I for sure need to work on in allowing him to do. I need to stop taking on his burden as my own. Your words are wise. Thank you so much! smile

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry to hear you are living this right now. As much as we wish we could beg them to get help, love them enough to change them or threaten them into changing their lives to our dream reality, truth be told there is no such thing.

That's the bad news, the good news is YOU have the Right to begin feeling better about you and your choices. You have the right to speak with others who have experienced these same challenges. You have the right to find out how to feel safe and calm and happy in spite of how the spouse is living.

I've come to find, once I took steps to take care of myself they began to see the changes in me. They began to want what I had, peace, serenity, health and happiness and wanted to seek that out for themselves in programs designed for their needs.

Once I stopped taking their behaviors personally, I found my health and well being as if for the very first time to improve. Find a local meeting, get a sitter for the night and walk in the door. You don't have to have anything to say, you don't even have to talk if you don't care to. Take 1 hour each week to let your guard down and let the trouble of the world around you fall away. Listen to how others more then survived it but became whole in spite of it.

The best words I ever learned were I didn't cause it, I can't fix it and I can't control it. What a blessing to know I wasn't in control of someone elses choices or life. What I was in charge of was MY own life and my Own choices.

So glad you posted here today, and look forward to hearing from you again. Remember you are worth it and so are your girls.

Peggy7

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I know one of the things that has helped me get through the more difficult times was to get myself to more meetings. Also reaching out to other members, and not always to vent about my own situation, but to reach out to them to see how they're doing. Service work like this keeps me from being completely buried or owned by the difficult things going on in my life. It changes my focus and takes me out of my tendency to feel self-pity. It also got me out of the A's hair, too, because clearly, the A usually needed more space during those difficult times instead of me hanging around and fretting.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

What helped me was playing reversies. I thought about if I craved cheesecake the second I woke up and it tugged at me allll day, and even if I woke up for a sec at night, how horrible.

Knowing if I ate it the way I needed to, I would get very sick, hurting the ones around me ugh.

AA, rehab helps A's to find serenity while they are early in recovery. There are so many tools that help them. They have others to share with who relate. They have their own culture almost.

Cold turkey to me is torture. I have changed my eating habits about 100%. But it took me a long time.

First I stopped meat, then high fat, and on and on till I am a vegan. Even now I need to stop darn sugar again.It's not the sugar its when that sugar is the new Hostess strawberrie cupcakes! Or the chocolate covered Oreos.

I starved for so long then when I felt better, I gain weight when I am happy! Soooo I know I have to drop stuff again. BUT for me, I think ok first no more high sugar hi fat. So I get good flax see cookies, healthy good stuff. AND I brought oodles of fruit home.

So with AA or rehab, they learn that recovery is a process. ONE thing at a time, tiny steps.

Same for us. We cannot just get it all at once. We still get upset, we still goof. BUt meetings, coming here, reading etc we get it a bit at a time.

When we don't respond to them, or allow their disease get to us, we feel better and we can use our skills easier all the time.

My thought was when A was a jerk, that is HIS problem. LET him have it. I learned to live how my life was. NO one to go to the beach with, no one to go to the Basset Games with, camp with etc. But over time I learned other things to do with out him and with him.

Marriage to an A is not the same as with a non A. Especially if they are still so sick. He is still not in recovery. He is fighting ever moment, like gritting his teeth, white knuckling instead of doing the steps of I am powerless. He is still trying to control that which is impossible. If you wanted to hold a river back, and you were standing in it and you could stop it by it hitting you constantly but it was still going around you thru your legs, you would feel so frustrated, mad, rrrrrr. But if you let go, let god, learned it was not possible to do it that way, you needed help, skills it would feel somuch better.

Plus you always had a meeting you could go to, a sponsor to help, others to call.

BUT we have to get ourselves healthy and let them figure it out.

Don't let the disease destroy you and yours, love,deb

mle612 · Member

Your week sounds like mine. I am not married to my A, but am engaged. He went out to CA from my home in Boston to finish his DUI classes. In the meantime, met up with other friends that are As and, well, vicious cycle. He even decided to stay with one friend and they are now "detoxing" together via pills....sigh. This is my first time through it. I yelled, I cried, I screamed. I didn't sleep, I spent hrs at the gym, and didn't eat. I was a bear to my kids and dysfunctional at work. I spoke to my fiance's AA sponsor and felt better. He said, just let him be and sit back and watch the show with me. Today was the first day in a week that I could eat, sleep, and actually laughed about the situation. Not that it is a laughing matter, but with all the things that he and this friend have done this week, it becomes unbelievable and no one could actually script what is happening. I gave up my power to stop or help the situation. I would like to think I would be better if my A was closer to me going through this, but I'm not sure at this point. Perhaps it's better that he is far away. He is in his second full day of detox and is grouchy, irritable, and restless. I took it personally at first, but then was like, whatever honey....you go be grouchy on your own and call me when you're ready to talk.

Emily

BrokenArcher · Newbie

I can so relate! The only difference is I went over a year (after my AH got sober) before finally focusing on myself. I also thought that as soon as he got clean, everything would be fine. It was SOOOOO hard. First of all, it was like living with a complete stranger at first. We had spent so long fighting and trying to fix his addiction, we didn't know what to do once he was clean and I was so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. He was very distant and seemed sad all the time. It was like he didn't know how to be a husband or father anymore and being around us just caused him guilt and bad feelings. It was really difficult and is just finally starting to get a little better (and he has been clean 20 months), but I'm pretty certain that is only because I finally decided to work on my recovery. Hang in there...work on your recovery.
BrokenArcher

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

I know two recovery couples who have very nice, supportive relationships now. They both claim the only way they got through early recovery was by just waiting, focusing on themselves, and leaving their spouse's recovery to thier spouse. My sponsor's AH lived in a sober living house for 5 years before moving back in with her. My other al-anon friend said it was pretty awful at times, and she would have left if she had kids, but since it was just her she just stuck it out. When my exAH was in rehab, I remember the counselor telling all the families that the A should not live at home right away upon finishing the program. That made no sense at the time, but knowing what I know now, I get it.

I'm sorry it is so hard for you right now, and hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. One Day at a Time and This Too Shall Pass - I understand the slogans now too

Blessings,
Lou

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"