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Hi all, went to a great meeting tonight. Met a lot of new people which is always inspiring. It is a step meeting, and although I am still working on the first few steps, the group discussed step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
I got to thinking about this and I became very hard on myself. See, when I first started dating my Abf, he had just ended a very short lived relationship with a girl. She was very much infatuated with him, but he wanted nothing to do with her. I should have been more sensitive to her feelings, but she was talking a lot about me and making things up. She even showed up at his house a few times. To be honest I was threatened by her because I didn't know what she was capable of; but looking back I can see that she was heartbroken. I was so angry about how she was calling me ugly and saying awful things about me that I did the same about her. (keep in mind that I was 21 and being a girl can be very difficult) Now I feel awful about the things I said about her. I never did anything directly to her and we have steered clear of each other the past three years, but I have this feeling like I should apologize to her. I hate who I was and how caddy I became when I felt threatened. We don't have any mutual friends and she actually moved a few states away, but I feel like I should send her a message and apologize for my behavior. Someone in program told me that maybe its not so much sending her a message, but coming to the realization that I was caddy and cruel and to ask my HP for forgiveness and guidance.
I know this is silly and so juvenile compared to the major issues people deal with every day, but for some reason its been eating at me all night! Any ideas? Thnx
I think it is great that you are taking your own inventory and found something and want to make amends. Did you try a facebook search and just send a nice little explanation of what you said above and ask for forgiveness and let it go. I had done something like that with a counselor's help before and I never added the guy or anything and I explained right away to him that I just wanted to clear things up in my mind and move through it. It was a cleansing thing for me. Also note that maybe she won't be so healthy and ready to hear such a thing and you have to be ready for that outcome also. My counselor helped prepare me for either outcome, in my instance it was more of a confronting though and it still couldn't have worked out any better. Take it to your HP also first and see what you feel led to do. I love the vulnerablitity that you are willing to share in this! Keep up the good work!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
agree love step meetings. It appears that you were able to go inward and discover someone you believe you need to make amends with. Great work-- .
The Steps are worked in order so that we process the 4th thru 8 th Step before we can clearly see and understand our part in a situation and process the best manner in which to make an amend. Every situation that comes to our attention in our 4th and 5th step is important enough to place on our amend list. If this is bothering you it is not too insignificant.
Talk to your sponsor about this but I believe you could place this person on your 8th step list and then proceed to work the 4, 5,6,7 step before proceeding to the 9th step
Yes....agree with hotrod....Steps need to be worked in order. Don't skip ahead or else you will wind up making amends that are not coming from the right place of understanding. Regardless, it is good to come to these realizations and to think about changing. Also, when the time comes we only make ammends except when to do so would cause harm to the other person. Hence, you would have to question whether or not she has moved on, whether she cares, and whether it would just hurt her to be reminded of a lost relationship and some girl calling her ugly. If that is the case...the ammends is going to be for you more than her and it's not worth doing.
I dont think it is juvenile at all , awarness leads us to action changing those things we dont like about ourselves . Amends if sincerly meant are important to both you and the person you are asking forgivness from . I agree wait until you work your way to step 9 with a sponsor then see how u feel , I have discovered if amends were meant to be the person just shows up you will know when the time is right . If nothing else you will never treat anyone the same again and perhaps that is what your lesson will be. Steps 4-5 will make everything perfectly clear . Louise
Sorry i jumped the gun there! I haven't worked through the steps yet and am waiting for my sponsor to recover from her major surgery the next couple months than she is going to help me through them. i am trying to patiently wait. Sorry I tried to steer you full speed ahead without knowing how it works! Please forgive me Corgi2.
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Not a problem! I appreciate any and all adivce....I think many of us tend to jump the gun on things, which is why al anon is a great program for us because it teaches patience and understanding
