The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started writing my story last night, but got too emotional to finish.
I could write a book and I am only 5 months into my relationship. My fiance told me pretty much up front that he was a recovering A. I could live with someone in recovery...we all have our baggage. We would go out and he would drink a little too much, but that was on weekends. Week nights, he would be home in his apt and we would be on the phone for hours talking and getting to know each other. Work began to get stressful and he started drinking more. He started taking days off of work as "mental health" days, but would spend them at the local bar drinking. He finally got let go from his job. In the meantime, he made the "brillant" decision that he would go back to CA to finish up his 4 weeks of DUI classes so he could get his license back. I was beside myself because I knew this would be trouble. I begged him to stay in Boston, but he said he had an objective and would be back. The first couple of days out there, he was super; called me a lot, signed up for his classes, had a plan and was going to be back by Mother's Day. Then he met up with an old buddy who is also an A. That was the beginning of the end.
Now, I'm not the kind of girl who says no, you can't go out with friends, and I was even ok when I got the drunk dial with no regard for the difference in time zones. Then, he had the great idea that to save money, he would stay with said friend. Well, the friend would tell him to get off the phone with me, hang up on me, and just talk in the background non-stop when I was talking to my fiance. I finally freaked out on both of them and said some things that I would never even think about saying. The next day, my fiance called a detox place and dragged his friend kicking and screaming. Well, his friend didn't have medical insurance, so got denied. They left together, got a hotel room and continued to drink. He continued to call me and the friend kept telling him to hang up on me in the background. I was dysfunctional myself.
I picked up my pieces the following day and finally, finally, finally got my fiance to realize that his friend was bringing him down and that he was never going to get better unless he looked out for himself. You can't help someone else when you are sick yourself and can't help someone who doesn't help themselves. He went to the doctor today and wanted desperately for me to be on speaker phone while the doctor talked to him. His doctor told him everything I had been telling him for days. He is now going to get his things from his friend's house and checking into a hotel.
I don't know whether to run or stick around. I love him and it's killing me to watch him destoy himself. Any advice would be great....
Welcome to MIP. We don't offer advice on this site but if you stick around, you will read alot of experience, hope, and strength. Try to get to an Alanon meeting, they really help. Go there and listen, listen, listen. The information you receive there from other members is so invaluable. There is a book listed above that is excellent and very insightful. Alanon asks that you give this program a chance to help you before you make any life changing decisions. Some people can live with an active drinking A. Some can't. These are decisions that only you can make. Read all the literature you can find. This program works if you work it! Good luck to you and once again, welcome!
Thanks...I definitely plan to stick around. I need all the support I can get. There are some Al Anon meetings in my area, but I also have 2 young children (not my fiance's) and no places offer babysitting. I am fearful of telling my mother about this as I'm sure you can imagine what she would tell me to do. I just talked to him after his dr's appt and he was getting his things and leaving his friend's house. I hope, hope hope that he is going to stick with this, take his meds correctly and get home to me. I feel so helpless so far away.
Dear mle612, Welcome. Please stay. You are in the company of many others that have had your experience--I am also new, and I can tell you that everyone here is very compassionate and willing to share. I have been helped so much by their caring and open hearts.
We learn in recovery that we cannot make anyone else get sober. Whether or not we think we know what is best for someone else, the choice to get help or to continue drinking is up to the person with the drink in their hand.
We also learn that we are not powerful enough to cause someone else to drink, we cannot control someone else's drinking, and we cannot cure anyone else's alcoholism. This is true for everyone...even your fiance's friend. One person cannot cause another person to drink. If your fiance wants recovery, he will get that for himself in spite of what anyone else is doing or not doing.
The whole screaming crazy things incident is something with which I am way too familiar. I kept things bottled up inside forever - not wanting to seem controlling (even though I was manipulative without being obvious and VERY passive aggressive), not wanting to seem possessive or clingy. But then I'd get super scared that the other person would leave me, and pretty much go ballistic. At my worst, I was on the floor holding onto my AH's leg and crying and begging him not to walk out the door. This behavior is my sickness - and that's why I'm here.
No need to feel helpless because you are far away. There is nothing that you can do to keep him sober even if you're under the same roof. Keep coming back - read everything you can get your hands on about the family disease of alcoholism. Although you cannot get recovery for your fiance, the excellent news is that you can certainly get recovery for yourself. Alcoholism affects every single family member, not only the one doing the drinking.
There is no need to live in isolation and/or insanity anymore.
Hi and welcome to MIP, it sounds like you found the right place. I hope you are able to get to face to face Al-anon meetings and find some literature like the book "Getting Them Sober" and "Codependent No More". I can relate to your story and I feel for you. I hope you can find some serenity in the meantime. Take care of yourself and your children!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Sounds like a lot of drama. Also wondering why are you engaged after just 5 months? And also, he said he is recovering...I'm reading nothing but active drinking in your post and NOTHING about recovery for him. It sounds like alcoholism that is progressing and will probably get worse unless he goes to rehab himself or gets into AA. I have known too many alcoholics that went down the same path as him. It's not pretty. I can't tell you to leave him, but it's worth considering if he is going to be the type of man that will compliment you and contribute to the lifestyle you want for you and your kids.
Aloha mle...let me add my welcome to you and a gratitude that you have found others who are or have been where you are at now. It's priceless to listen to the experiences of others who after they share cause you to notice that your head is nodding in agreement. I was astounded when that happened to me because when I got into Al-Anon there were very very few men in program and I was nodding to what the ladies were sharing. "Wasn't I different" disappeared as an attitude and never came back. Just to share something else...if your children can mind you for certain periods of time give the meetings a try anyway. I've been around awhile and I have seen children grow up in this program who came while breast feeding or in a stroller. Respecting other members serenity is honorable and honest and we do support each other as a group. Letting family know that you "are trying" to educate yourself and could they help out for an hour and a half or so is also courageously good. I have been taught that alcoholism affects everyone it comes in contact with and with the family, friends and associates worse because we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality...therefore we go thru the problems wide awake and get even sicker than the alcoholic. I have for one accepted this as "a truth" because it is what happened with me. So you came here looking and found others who have shared some very valuable experiences with you. The program changed/changes our lives and you gotta get there to get yours.
I know I need to get to an Al-Anon group at some point. I guess what I'm worried about is whether or not I am going to able to live with this drama in my life. I understand that it is an illness and something that is not in their control. However, I am not sure if I am patient and understanding enough. For example, he is in his second day of self detoxing via meds from his dr. and is so grouchy and just not himself. I love him, but am hurt by this lack of empathy. Perhaps I should listen to my own feelings and realize that he could also be hurt by MY lack of empathy. I also think that it might be easier if he was close to me and not 3000 miles away. I know that there is nothing I can do for him and that he needs to go through it himself, but it would make me feel better that I am there to support him in person, not on the phone when he feels like picking up. I would love to hear from people from both sides of the coin; those that have decided to leave a relationship and those that have decided to stay and deal with it on a daily basis.
Otie.