new here and surprised so many stories sound like mine - Al-Anon Family Group

lostinDC · Newbie

new here and surprised so many stories sound like mine

drummerchick423 · Senior Member

Hi honey,

Sorry you are going through this. Many of us have been in your shoes..doing things and saying things that are not us...that we end up feeling ashamed about, or stand back and say, wait a minute! That's not me. Addiction does this to people.

The most recommended advice on this forum is to find an al-anon meeting. You'll meet people there who you can relate to. Many have found peace and comfort through al-anon, and better clarity of mind through working the steps.

lostinDC wrote:

I am new to this website (and group). I have spent the last few days reading alot of the old posts. WOW! I never thought I was completely alone, but I never thought that I would hear so many things that were almost exact to my situation. Thanks to everyone for sharing.
My story in a nutshell:
I met my AH on vacation and we dated long distance for a few months. I ended up moving to his state (he has a child here) and have lived here for 6 years (4 years married). I always knew he drank, but so did I so I didn't think it was anything out of hand. Looking back now I can see that he would go out on the nights I worked (I worked midnights), he would be sleeping on the mornings when I got home, he used to say he was going into work late so he could see me (yeah right, was I that blind to a hangover?). In the last couple years, he would take me to the brink of my breaking point and put the charm back on, and I would stay....but...
the last 2 months have gotten completely out of hand. He has been drinking every night, I can never try to talk to him about it because he is at work or has been drinking. He denies everything and is trying to make me out to be the bad guy...I know in my head he will not change, I just need my heart to figure it out. I know I can't go on living like this. I used to be a happy and fun person. I am not liking myself too much lately. I was so mad the other day I punched him (not hard and it was in the arm, but still)..what the heck has happened to me. I think I was just trying to make him feel as bad as me and nothing I say ever seems to affect him..but there is no excuse to hit, I know that...
There is no way I can afford to live around where I am now, I have family and friends in my homestate that would welcome me back with open arms. I just feel like I should give him a chance by moving out, but stay close for a couple of months in case he actually takes my leaving seriously and tries to change...am I stupid?
Thanks for listening and sharing your stories! there seems to be alot of smart people around here:) sorry for the ramble....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome lost, I am glad you are finding some posts here that make you feel not so alone.

One thing I wanted to share is this, nothing we do can make the change one way or the other. They will continue to use or not use until they decide to change.He has to want to change for him, not anyone else or it does not work.

We have always shared on here, if we choose to leave or do something, not to do it to shock the A into anything or change anything. We almost always will be disappointed. Even my A told me ultimatums don't work.

If we choose to leave or change something, we must do it for us.

No matter what we do, they are still an A.

To make your decisions easier, it helps to go to meetings, read literature, come here, go to meetings here online. There are so many things that you will learn that you need answers too.

I learned things that made me decide to stay as long as I could. I knew I could not live with regrets. I had to be sure it was right to divorce him.

"Getting Them Sober" by toby rice drews was the first book I read. Then I found some old Al Anon books that are priceless to me.

I am sad you are in such a tough place!

You are very fortunate to have loved ones waiting with open arms.

Addiction is a disease with specific symptoms like other diseases. Thats why you can find your story here.

Please keep coming! It helps us too! love,debilyn

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome LostinDC. I'm sorry for your situation and empathize. I think most of us here have been in the exact position that you are currently in, in one form or other. Debilyn gave you good advice; whatever you do, you must do it for YOU. You have to decide to stay or go. You have to decide if you can stay with an actively drinking Alcoholic. Sometimes they find sobriety, sometimes they don't. You can't make them sober. Only they can do that for themselves. You have to decide what is right for you. You can find serenity for yourself, whether they drink or not. It is a lot of work but totally worth it. The slogans and the steps really do help. I have found that they work great in all aspects of my life, in the home, work, family, and friends. Work the program, come to this site, it all helps.

roonpugs · Member

Where you write: "I know I can't go on living like this. I used to be a happy and fun person. I am not liking myself too much lately."

That is what I've been feeling for a few years now and am just coming to terms myself that it is being around my AH and absorbing the toxins that come from this disease. I wonder where I have gone, and if I'll be happy again... I have been to one Al Anon mtg and am going again this wknd. I was surprised myself to hear something I can relate to in each and every story which is helping give me hope, and plan to go to more mtgs and hope you will do the same to recover.

Best Wishes!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You are not crazy...You are living with the craziness of wanting love and support from someone with an addiction. You just made a critical step in finding support from healthier people by reaching out here. Also, it is natural to try and give your all to a relationship (especially a marriage) before finally calling it quits. The chances of him getting into recovery and succeeding are slim, but not impossible. If you cannot discuss the issue at all, then there are other problems in your marriage to consider (poor communication). Eventually, it will drive you mad to have expectations of support and love from a person that cannot give anything back. Active addicts and alcoholics are not capable of truly giving selfless love. You deserve a partner who is available to you emotionally. In the meanwhile, you have needs for support and caring and you can fulfil some of that in alanon with the like minded individuals you have encountered here.

In support,

Mark

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Lost...Welcome to the board and I hope you stick around for a while. What I did before I got into Al-Anon for real (I had a couple false starts before the for real) was go to the white pages of my local telephone book and find the hotline number and of course call it. I got a live person to talk to and you might now just get a recording of the places and times for the meetings in your area. Go as early as you can and when you get there find your seat and listen, listen, listen. You will be (usually) handed a "new comers" packet with lots of great information about alcoholism and the family. Read it all. Get the meeting schedule and look for the other meetings coming up and make a commitment to yourself to go to as many as you are able for the next 90 days before deciding if this program is for you. If you decide you want what we have claim your seat and keep reaching out for help and guidance. If you decide this is not for you, you can always get a refund on your miseries and go anywhere else. The misery part of me was a shot to the heart and then I stayed anyway. So There!!

Alcoholism is a disease...recognized and defined by medical professionals who work with diseases. It is incureable and can only be arrested by total abstinence. It is progressive and fatal and affects everyone it comes in contact with...there for "Lost" is looking for support herself because she also is affected. Those affected by this disease who are not the alcoholic often get sicker than the alcoholic because they don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality...they go thru it wide awake while the alcoholic is not. Anyhow there is much more to learn and most of it is how to preserve your life and sanity whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. There is lots to learn. Most of the answers I got had to do with me and not my alcoholics. I hope you keep hanging around and take the suggestions. We get to watch each other become miracles and share miracles also. BIG YAY!!

In support (((((hugs))))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.