Emotions running high with newly recovering AH - Al-Anon Family Group

roonpugs · Member

Emotions running high with newly recovering AH

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have heard of many, many alcoholcs who have tried to achieve sobriety without a recovery program such as AA, but I haven't heard of any who were successful.

Regardless of what he does, you can recovery your serenity by going into recovery yourself. We lose sight of how we get sucked down into the insanity of alcoholism with the alcoholic. I hope you can read threads on here and learn all you can about alcoholism, attend meetings in your town, and do lots of reading. This is hard -- you shouldn't have to do it alone. Hugs.

Crazy Frog · Veteran Member

i am going through this right now. he has stopped drinking for 5 weeks. i almost wish he could drink again.

he is depressed, angry, blames me for everything. he doesn't sleep well, doesn't eat much. but he will tell you he doesn't have a problem.... he doesnt get involved with family matters and as you said he never did before either. until he admits he has a problem and accepts help with AA or any other organization i feel it will go nowhere but what do i know. When i told him he had a drinking pb he told me I was dilusional so he stopped drinking just like that. That night he threw up, was shaking and didnt sleep. He said he was depressed because i was leaving him.

It's a disease we can't control or cure it.

Chelle3 · Veteran Member

My AH quit drinking for 3 months last yr without any treatment program. I don't remember any good days. He seemed to have upset stomachs a lot and towards the end of the 3 months had horrible cluster headaches. He went to work, but when he came home all he was able to do was to lie on the couch, much less participatory than he was when he was drinking. He lost interest in the only thing he was interested before besides drinking and that was a computer forum and wathcing sports on TV.

I wasn't in alanon then and I was very tense, waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to start drinking again. I really should have gotten involved in alanon then and also encouraged him to go to counseling, which he eventually did and it has helped our relationship.

After he resumed drinking, he became more tense and angry.

Now that he's drinking again, I try to remind myself that relapse is common and again that we can't control it nor did we cause it.

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

We were just discussing relapse at our last Alanon meeting. We found that if the A can get past the first three months, they seem to have a chance at sobriety. My AH made it to 3 mos. over and over, but couldn't get to 4 mos. Don't know if that is factual, but with our loved ones, that mark seemed to be the key. I have heard that at that 3rd month mark the need for a drink is pure hell and actually painful to them. There is hope though, as long as they keep trying. My AH has been sober for a year now and he stated that it is getting much easier and some days, doesn't even think about it. Talk about progress!! He works his program diligently. 3 AA meetings a week. Reads the literature religiously. Has changed who he hangs out with (mostly is with other AA members) does still have limited contact with his "old" friends, but very limited. I think that the more I work my program and have allowed him to work his...the better he continues to get better. Minding my own business has been a real challenge for me but as I continue to improve, so does that. Be patient (as hard as that can be!!) If there is breath, there is hope....

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

I am having a very similar experience. My abf was all about changing his life and for the first two weeks Id say he was really happy and telling me how much better he felt without drinking. He is also not attending AA; which I've come to learn that I cant make him go either. After the two weeks he started getting angry and resentful because he wasn't drinking. Unfortunately, without working a program, they don't deal with their issues and will probably look to take it out on someone close to them. I didnt want to go to Al Anon meetings, but after a few times it changed my life. I still have issues I deal with every day, but I think it might help you take the focus off him and help you. Sending my thoughts your way!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
My hubby got through it with the help of AA, so I don't know any differently. But it was discribed to me that they just lost their best friend....the booze/drugs. Emotionally they are grieving their loss. Physically they are sick. Mentally they are toughing it out. I know and have heard of lots who have tried to quit and stay quit on their own. Mostly they don't succeed, but some do. A girlfriend did succeed. A neighbor did succeed. But in both of them I can see the dry drunk even after many years. AA helps with the emotional and mental health.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Your boy friend is what I lovingly call Stark Raving Sober , work your own program and if your not attending f2f meetings for yourself , start now- for me it is the best way to support thier efforts at sobriety ,I had to learn to mind my own business stay out of his stuff . dont bite if he wants to argue walk away and remember that nothing you do or say will cause him to drink again were simply not that powerful if he chooses to drink again it will be a decission he makes and has nothing to do with you . We had 9 months of dry in our home husb had no support white knuckled it every day , eventually he drank again and continued for 6 months almost drinking himself to death . He finally quit and stayed quit with the help of AA and has remained sober for the last 20 yrs .We cannot choose the method of recovery for anyone but ourselves so be patient dont take any crap and take care of you .

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

When I stopped drinking I was quickly overwhelmed with depression and self-hatred. It took a good long time and lots and lots of AA support, meetings, and work to get through it and reach the other side. Alcoholics drink because we cannot stand being in our own skin. We cannot stand being up in our own head. Hence, you take the alcohol away and you are just left with all the negative thoughts and feelings that the alcoholic was drinking to avoid having to feel to begin with. For me, the whole first year was a bunch of incredible mood swings and painful baby steps towards growth and maturity (and that is WITH AA as support). Without AA I would have relapsed for sure. In fact, I tried to do it without AA numerous times and failed.

Crazy Frog · Veteran Member

Pinkchip, you are amazing. it takes lots of courage to share what you just did. it helps tremendously. thank you

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi

My sober abf was sober for 6 months with support from AA then after a death in the family he relaped for 8 month sowly it progressed he hit another rock bottom and has been sober for 7 months, with lots of support. He was in a rehab for 5 months attends Aa meetings nearly every day has a spomsor has changed all his friends and is now in a dry house. Early sobreity has been tough on us all. He say he still has times he thinks of drinking. He can not live here because of moods swings and a house of teenagers he is doing everything to try and stay sober and still fins it a battle. I hope your partner can stop drinking but this disease is a lot more than the drink. just as we have to contect with an Hp and others for support most A,s need to too. There is nothing you can do except work on your own recovery and move out the way. hand him over to HP.

take care of you .xx

hugs

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha R...An addiction is a intense compulsive relationship. He has had that with alcohol and will never have it with you. Alcoholism comes with all kinds of cunning, powerful and baffling systems that even professionals cannot and willnot get around or over if the alcoholic isn't honest and willing to accept the disease as something they are powerless over and must need and accept help for. If you want good info on it get a new or used copy of Alcoholic Anonymous the "Big Book" of AA and read it especially the first 164 pages as we suggest every new member of AA to do when they come thru the doors willingly or reluctantly. Read the information of where the emotion of "Fear" fits in with the alcoholic and you will understand why your alcoholic wants to do it on his own. He is afraid or in terror and doesn't trust any one or anything including himself. Letting go of alcohol to a "practicing" alcoholic is not an acceptable alternative until they have bounced off of their bottom a couple of hard times. I've never met an alcoholic that accepted right off, the first time, that they would stop and never pick up another drink again ever. Alcohol is everything to him; more important than almost life itself. He might be dealing with new thoughts like "If I drink again it will kill me and if I don't get another one I'll just die". That is the fight that alcohol addiction brings. Damned if you do and Damned if you don't. He is suffering and will suffer more trying to keep himself dry, much less sober. He plainly doesn't know how. He knows how to bow to the disease. Alcohol is his real mistress and she owns him.

She is trying to own you both and you have to do some learning about your part in this addictive disease process. You do play a part and without awareness and practice your part will enable it to get worse. No need for blame that is part of the natural process of alcoholism. If you do not learn about the disease and alternate ways of behaving while it is running over both of you it will take you both...it cannot help but do that. It affects everything it comes in contact with.

What I did not knowing anything about alcoholism but feeling envy, jealous, confused and hurt (and more) that my wife was hanging in AA and not drinking...she came home from a meeting and asked me if I thought she was alcoholic. My ego and pride clearly said "No you're not"...and she stopped AA and went back out. The disease arranged it so that she would come to and ask the one person who it was guaranteed would say what would keep it going...me, her husband, her partner and mate and co-drinker (actually a drinking mentor). It would almost kill her. She would get into sobriety years later after all we had was lost including our marriage and more.

If you have not yet gotten to the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups, let me greatly encourage you to do so soon because this is a progressive disease. It will always get worse...never better.

In support. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 15th of April 2011 01:21:34 AM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi roonpugs! very cute puppy! My family, mothers side, we all had the "smashed face, and or slobber boxes dogs."Boxers, Pugs,Bostons, English Mastiffs etc. My one cousin I think has 8 Pugs. Most rescures! I had to learn that Addiction has many symptoms, and drinking and or using other drugs is only ONE tiny part of the disease.

I like what Louise shared, the "white nuckling." They are constantly fighting this horrible urge or craving to use. They have no tools to help them!

To put it simply we say,"An addict who is not using only, is like a fruitcake without the nuts, it's still a fruitcake,"

Sad but true.

Knowing this may make it easier to concentrate on you. Their disease is none of our business. We cannot do anything anyway. The more we work on us, our needs, wants, passions, the easier it is to allow the A the integrity to make his own choices.

hugs!! debilyn

Sheral · Newbie

My AH just celebrated 1 mth sober, Friday. Four wks ago he signed himself into a Medical Rehab Program in TN. He was there only 7 days because our insurance wouldn't pay for more time and he just lost his job the week before he went.

While he was gone, my father, had a heart-attack and had to have a pacemaker put in. So the entire week my AH was in rehab, I was tending to my family and taking care of their horse farm. I didn't even have a chance to think about what it may be like for my AH and I when we were back together.

Now....he is "Mr. Can't Sit Still". He spends 80% of his time doing whatever to stay busy (usually in his garage/workshop alone), 10% of his time with old friends (that still drink), and 10% of his time with me. I love the "Me Time", but when I am with my AH he is emotionally distant and only talks to me about subjects like the weather or what I call only on the surface subjects. Nothing like we used to talk with each before he quit drinking.

My feeling is that because of the EXTREME damage we did (infidelity, arguing, distrust, extreme attemots at controlling) and his alcohol did to our 8 yr relationship/marriage.........is that we are both on a recovery journey that is leading in the direction of realizing that our recovery efforts would be better accomplished on our own (without the other). He has been my best friend for so many years and we used to spend the majority of our spare time together doing just about anything because we have so many of the same hobbies. I feel bad when I catch myself thinking that my attempting to control him and his behavior, for so many years, has driven him to want to be sober....without me.

I am ok with moving on with my recovery and him with his, but his silent treatment isn't helping me to figure out if that is what I need. I know he is doing what he needs for now. I am doing the same. Because of my distrust in him because of past infidelity it concerns me that he contacts people he was with in rehab (some female, but he tries to hide communicating with the females). He hasn't gone, but has talked about going, to AA (he is scared to be judged by our small community if he goes to AA locally).

I am trying to stay focused on ME and MY recovery, I do Al-Anon (which I did briefly before he went to rehab), it's just hard to accept that I still may lose my best friend. I am just trying to come to terms and needed to share my story.

Thanks to all who may read my post and give thoughtful wisdom from their experiences.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.