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So, I was so proud of myself-I did not contact my exabf on his birthday.
Today, a friend of mine tells me, she saw him out with some girl..I really didn't want to know, but she tells me what the girl looked like. I know I shouldn't have, but I did some online sleuthing and found out, yes, he's been hanging out with his ex again.
His inability to get rid of his ex caused a lot of problems between the 2 of us. Of course, he talked a lot of smack about her, but early on, he was talking to her behind my back. We broke up over him doing cocaine, and he rushed right back to her. Was with her for a month or so and decided he didn't want her, and got back with me. But didn't tell her to go away. Drama.
Hearing all of this, has set me back.
It was only March 15th when I told him, I cannot talk to him until he gets sober. He obviously rushed right back to her.
I know what it is - his ex is a drunk, too. And smokes pot all the time.
Here's what I am feeling-it's a big jumbled mix of emotions.
1) MAD. Just angry that he tosses me aside and goes running back to her.
Mad about all the lies he told me--how she's this crazy, immature pothead..which isn't a lie but he made it sound he wasn't into her.
2) HURT. It brings back all the hurt, all over again.
This is why it is good to not have to hear anything about your exes, EVER. I did NOT want to know this.
3) Hopeless for him. He just regressed back into the same behavior.
4) Disgusted with myself. How did I ever spend so much time and effort on this guy?
so kick something - beat on the pillows until you are dripping with sweat. Then turn the music up really loud and clean your house like a tazmanian dervish - purge the anger from you because its not good for you. Then, be glad because he's playing his game on someone else, not you and decide to live differently - free from the games alcoholics play. Take back your heart, take back your life.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
This was a part of my "denial" lessons whenI first got into Al-Anon. I hadn't accepted that "she", my wife; my alcoholic addict was really alcoholic/addict. So I was always looking for and expecting "my wife" the woman I wanted and was really expecting to just "poof" arrive. Doesn't happen and sooo the lesson. My sponsor gave me a little metaphor to work with and to practice in my thought life constantly; "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...chances are...IT'S A DUCK!!" Then I got it...I started to accept that my wife was also an alcoholic and I needed to know then which one was in my life at any one time so my sponsor use to quiz me when I spoke about that person in my life. He use to ask me "Are you talking about your wife or your alcoholic?" Needing to know was and is very important for me. If I am expecting sober behavior, thoughts, feelings and spirit from the alcoholic it ain't going to happen and if I am judging my wife always as I judge the alcoholic...she doesn't have a snow balls chance in hell of my support.
When he is acting like a duck expect the quack and waddle and you will never be thrown off again.
Seriously, where does the alcoholic end and your wife begin?
I think my ex is just a messed up, messed up person. He manipulated me so much, I don't even know who he WAS.
Jerry F wrote:
This was a part of my "denial" lessons whenI first got into Al-Anon. I hadn't accepted that "she", my wife; my alcoholic addict was really alcoholic/addict. So I was always looking for and expecting "my wife" the woman I wanted and was really expecting to just "poof" arrive. Doesn't happen and sooo the lesson. My sponsor gave me a little metaphor to work with and to practice in my thought life constantly; "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...chances are...IT'S A DUCK!!" Then I got it...I started to accept that my wife was also an alcoholic and I needed to know then which one was in my life at any one time so my sponsor use to quiz me when I spoke about that person in my life. He use to ask me "Are you talking about your wife or your alcoholic?" Needing to know was and is very important for me. If I am expecting sober behavior, thoughts, feelings and spirit from the alcoholic it ain't going to happen and if I am judging my wife always as I judge the alcoholic...she doesn't have a snow balls chance in hell of my support.
When he is acting like a duck expect the quack and waddle and you will never be thrown off again.
When this kind of thing happened to me, a friend of mine said, "At least he has never given you cause to regret leaving."
When we get some distance, I think we begin to see more clearly what they are really like. Being close to them causes denial, because we get sucked into their crazy worldview.
It's stressful thinking of it. Your abf gone back to using all his substances, including the substance that is his ex.
We keep getting opportunities to practice our program, don't we? Hugs.
I agree with what Mattie posted...when we get some distance, we begin to see what another person is really like. After a few months of being separated from my now exAH, I was able to see who he actually was and to accept who he actually was - not the romantic fantasy of of him that I imagined. He was never this ideal being that I made him out to be in my head. He was never perfect, though I thought he was and kept trying to get him back to this point in the past that didn't even exist.
The problem was that I had him up on a pedestal and I had made him my HP. And I had a very hard time accepting that he was just human, he was not my HP or any other person's HP, and he did not have the particular character traits I wanted him to have/imagined that he did have.
When we get some distance, we are able to actually see reality and the fantasy starts to fall away.
My ex ABF did exactly the same thing. Sometimes I think it was just a bit of laziness: sooo much easier to recycle old GFs than to make the effort of looking for a new one.
Since he was relapsing when he reconnected with his ex, I think the lure of his old lifestyle and the ready accessibility of drugs and alcohol was stronger than the woman herself. Seeing that aspect of it was actually something that helped me to make the final break with him because I don't think I was especially precious to him either, I just represented a lifestyle (sobriety) that he was choosing to embrace for a while.
I've had more than 4 years' distance from that relationship now, so luckily I can look at it objectively without emotion. He's still recycling -- he still tries to contact me periodically, even though I asked him not to long ago. So the only feeling connected with him now is annoyance. Yeah, and a bit of "Why did I put up with that for so long?"
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Drummerchick...this is just further evidence that you made the right decision. He is only capable of being with someone that enables him. He is not able to step up and be responsible. He is not the man for you. Take this as a sign of your HP doing for you what you couldn't or wouldn't do for yourself. The other option if you wanted to stay compatible with him was to become like the pot smoking druggie ex girlfriend he is now with. Do you want that to be you? Really think about it. No...and in fact, hell no...right?
You know your ex is a crazy immature little pothead. You just need to let go of all expectations of that changing. It is NOT GOING TO CHANGE because you want it to. The point of setting the boundary was to be free of his crazy addiction and it's affect on you. You had hoped he would get sober, but you knew he probably wouldn't. Now you must let go and detach.
In sum, he is a zero and you deserve a hero! Keep telling yourself that (and in the meanwhile be nice to yourself and focus on just being happy while single).
Oh...and furthermore, the speed at which he got back with his ex tells you something too. He is needy and has to have someone...anyone to validate him. You want to be with someone that chooses you and not someone needy. Addicts and alcoholics are NEEDY NEEDY people. Let someone else be the object of his crazy never ending neediness. Thank God it's not you any more.
There are real men out there that you are worthy of (not saying you should go in search of one right now so soon after a break up)...But seriously take time to think about your path in life...the journey you personally are on. I can't see how this pothead boyfriend was doing anything other than holding you back in all likelihood.
Here is a song for you to focus on the lyrics (and I'm not trying to come on to you in posting these lyrics...as clearly im not about the ladies lol).
"My Wish" Rascal Flatts
I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow, And each road leads you where you want to go, And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window, If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything, My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget, All the ones who love you, in the place you left, I hope you always forgive, and you never regret, And you help somebody every chance you get, Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake, And you always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything, My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish.
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish.
This is my wish I hope you know somebody loves you May all your dreams stay big
***In essense, I am sure you are loved by many. Moving on is difficult but you are going to be in a much better place if you keep focusing on making healthy choices and utilizing healthy support from people who really do know and love you for who you are.
Thanks everybody! I really needed all this support right now. Much appreciated!!
I'm sure you all know, how hard it can be to reconcile what your heart feels, and what your head knows. I will get to that point, I'm sure. I wish I had more time away from him behind me.
You are off this merry-go-round, and it is probably a good thing. It speaks volumes for the ex who keeps taking him back knowing his addictions. We have to raise our standards, and it seems you did. I like that saying, "This too shall pass." Have a great day!!
Yes-she is really messed up. He's told me all kinds of stories about what a liar she is, and how she has no ambition, just wants to smoke pot all the time.
gladysg wrote:
You are off this merry-go-round, and it is probably a good thing. It speaks volumes for the ex who keeps taking him back knowing his addictions. We have to raise our standards, and it seems you did. I like that saying, "This too shall pass." Have a great day!!
