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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Let down again
Post Info TOPIC: Let down again
flopadopilus


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Let down again
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Hi everyone, here I am feeling fine about living on my own and great about my dettachment. My exAH was dropping off my 2 1/2 year old and he mentioned that there is a court ordered parenting class we have to attend and he wanted me to set it up since I have a more hectic schedule. I said sure no problem. He said something about maybe this will not make us go through with the divorce and I didn't reply. After he left for work, my mind started spiraling all day.

I called and set up the appointment for "Educational Class for Parents on the Negative Effects of Divorce on Children" that is what it says on the pamphlet. I asked questions and found out it's just a informational class about how divorce effects children through each age and stage. I am unsure why, but this makes me angry that this is what the court has ordered. For an hour we pay to hear about all the terrible things that might and could result, because I finally decided to stop the abuse and look after myself and teach my children not to put up with such abuse themselves.

I am so mad that I even feel guilt or shame about taking this class. It took every ounce of strength I had to even file for divorce. I have very little self worth or esteem and it is growing more and more everyday I am not living with my exAH. If this class is to make me think I am better off for them to stay married, this is such a waste that could have been better ordered for couples therapy where maybe the issues could have been brought out to see what would be better for the children involved and or in therapy for the kids themselves.

I don't doubt had I stayed with my exAH that I would have continued to die a sad miserable lonely death merely surviving and breathing from day to day. I will not let my kids watch him put his head through another glass window and blame me for it, or break my brand new laptop to smitherines and blame me because I spent too much time on it and think that they would be better off living like that. I will no longer live with unacceptable behavior and try to make sense of insanity!

I know we are all better for my decision and am really unsure why this has set me off, lol. Thanks for letting me vent!!!! 



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Freya


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I can really understand why this has been a difficult situation for you.  When I went through a divorce it was the hardest thing I have had to do.  It wasn't something I chose lightly.  It wasn't something I had ever wanted to experience and it was a choice I made to move towards being healthy and taking care of myself.  I have a lot of difficulty with the phrase "the sanctity of marriage" when what happens inside the marriage is painful, harmful and damaging to individuals within the marriage.  The first thing that came to mind was the slogan, "take what you like and leave the rest".  Maybe applying this slogan to the course you have to attend might make it easier to be there. I know I've applied this slogan to stressful situations I've been involved in outside of al-anon and it's helped me stay detached. 

 

Freya      



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GailMichelle


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I agree that you should "take what you like and leave the rest" when it comes to the workshop on effects of divorce on children.  I would prefer a different title.  To me, the title shouts DO NOT DIVORCE FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN.

You certainly don't come across as having made the decision lightly.  You have to get "thick skinned" in times like this.  Be independent of others opinions.  You appear to be doing just that.  Good job  smile  I know it's tough, however.



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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
abbyal


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Because this is court ordered I assume it is a must do , perhaps when someone is trying to tell you its better to stay married ask them how they feel about what your husb has been doing , breaking things , raging and drinking , do they really think that is better than a separation ? Kids adjust to change much faster than we do they will be okay .



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Evian


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And here I am..... first forced to separate from my AH by The Childrens Aid Society, (which I now know was totally for the best and know that it was HP's way of intervening) and being told by lawyers to do just that separate, and divorce. They are concerned about the kids, but not how the separation and all would affect them, but how living with an alcoholic and all the insanity, verbal and emotional abuse that goes with it. I guess I should be thankful for that.

You know what is best for the kids, do not question yourself about it. I agree with the others when they say " take what you like and leave the rest"

I have talked to others who have grown up with an alcoholic parent and every single one of them said that they wish they never had to endure the bull crap that went on. When they see things, are subjected to all the crap, it is much worse on them than having their parents divorce.

Hugs

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Debilyn


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Ok as usual I see this different....I am thinking it may be an eye opener what to watch for so you can divert the action!

Does not mean your kids will go thru it. All kids are different, all families handle the separtion different. Some have a home at each home, some never see the dad or mom again.

I would rather have an idea of what may be coming.

Guess its one of those take what you choose and leave the rest. I know if I were there, I would be asking the hard questions, and stating what I see....

Maybe looking at it different will make ya feel better. It may open your eyes to things ya never thought of. Some people don't know that kids blame themselves. When my daddy left for awhile, I remember so many things. But it doesn't mean my brothers felt the same.

AND think about what happens to children who say in homes where there is abuse, anger, and parents who no longer love each other. No respect, no common courtesy.

AND think about how many GREAT kids come out of single parent homes.

You can be a great mom with a bad father or visa versa and it is so much worse than being without the bad one.

Stats are relative and really unreliable. I mean geez culture has a lot to do with it, how a person was raised themselves does too! And what if your kiddos have a strong gma figure like my kid did. And what are the stats of kids who's father died, or mother.

Gads now it is making me mad too! I am telling you now, better to have a class called helpful things to know to help your kids thru a divorce. And what degrees, and experience do the people have giving this class?

And how many kids do they know who are from divorced parents?

Again I am sure you will learn things, even if they don't fit for you.

When I had to take classes to get my degree, I would tell myself,"Ya gotta play the game to get what you want." ya know? Even if it is just to get it over with.

Working for the school district we were always having to take these dumb things. I was with friends who also worked special. We all had huge senses of humor, you have to to work with those very challenged kids. Ya just learn not to take things so serious. Anyway flop..we would get to laughing so hard,was awful! lol I mean that kind ya cannot talk and ya cannot stop! I would be trying to say stop it! stop it!...gads. we got asked to be quiet once. geez so professional....lol

Hey take some paper and pen and draw, bring some food and drink. At least ya get to sit still for awhile.

Hey you, you love you ok? I used to look in the mirror or lay in bed and think, ok what is one good thing about you? I would write it in my journal. You deserve to love you, you deserve to be loved!

I know you are intelligent, have a big heart, care about our kids. You are diligent in working your program. I am so glad you stuck here!

Just becuz the dang disease makes things dark, we have every right to lighten things up!

hugs!! debilyn who wishes she could sit next to you and make ya laugh....(c:<

 



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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RLC


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Abuse and Insanity vs Serenity and Peace of Mind. You made your choice.

HUGS,
RLC

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Tracy


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Hi,

I have done lots of work on the effect of serperation and divorce on children within my studies and my work.  This course will most probably not tell you to stay in your marriage it will just explain how certain behaviors of divorcing parents can have a negative impact on childrenand if parets behave in appropriate ways they can save their childten lots of pain and upset.  You may find it very useful to help your children through this transition. When i went through my divorce I treid really hard to apply the theory I had laernt to my life and to protect my children, however there were days when i let my emotions get the better of me.  I hope your course will be as informative and helpful as my studies were for me when I got divorced.  we all just want what is best for our children and it looks like the courst are trying to help you achieve this.

take what you like and ;leave the rest, hugs

 

hugs



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ythannah


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I'm crossing my fingers that this is more of a "how to minimize the negative effects of divorce on children" class than anything else.  Hopefully this is geared toward motivating parents to keeping their own animosity out of their respective relationships with the kids.



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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
White Rabbit


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I think this probably IS a "how to minimize negative effects" class. From the court's perspective, maybe the parents will get something useful out of the class and realize that being nice to each other is one of the biggest things parents can do to help children through a divorce - and if the parents are working together and nice to each other, it is less likely that the courts will have to get involved over and over with issues that are between the parents. I am very sure this is a matter of judicial economy and nothing more. A court doesn't have an opinion on whether people should get divorced.

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