Just dawned on me, and what about you? - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Just dawned on me, and what about you?

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Deb,
I was not brought up in the disease. And like you, we were not given a list of shoulds. We learned by observation of our parents, our neighborhood, our church, our aunts and uncles and grandparents, our school. I am 61 and I look back on where I grew up, in the city, but in our own little, safe ghetto of like-minded people. A nice place to grow up.
I look at where my hubby grew up and it was all backward. Still loving, in their way, and still a ghetto of like minded people. But they drank too much and were full of "shoulds" that were preached but not lived. (A lesson on watching the actions and not the words). That really confused me when we married and I met them. When I was told by him that he was raised that his parents emphasized "respect your parents", and I said "well duh. Why do you even have to say it?", but then I saw his parents acting in a way that did not gain my respect, and I knew why they had to preach/"should" the respect your parents. It was because otherwise kids would not respect the way they lived.
I was really sheltered from the reality of alcoholism. I raised my daughters to see reality, to watch actions, while I tried to model correct behavior to them so that I would never have to "should" them. We even had a saying in our family to not "should" on me.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I was brought up in the disease. I had a very long list of "shoulds" and "should nots," which were mostly enforced by the non-alcholic parent - who was very sick in his own right. In my family, the non-alcoholic parent was waaay scarier than the alcoholic one, way crazier, way meaner, etc.

With respect to alcoholism and alcohol consumption, there was definitely a list of "shoulds" and "should nots," but all of these were related to walking on eggshells around the alocholic. Most of them were "should nots." I should not ever mention the alcoholic's drinking to the alcoholic. I should not ever talk about the alcoholic's drinking to other family members. I should not ever talk about the alcoholic's drinking to people otuside the family. None of the "shoulds" or "should nots" really had to do with my own alcohol consumption - nobody ever said I could drink it or shouldn't drink it, or how much was appropriate, or anything else. Basically, alcohol was a touchy subject ... while there was always booze in the house, nobody EVER talked about it. All of the "shoulds" and the "should nots" involved changing my behavior to accomodate the alcoholic - around which the entire universe revolved.

I think I was brought up believing that I could control alcoholics. By being forced to not mention things, stuff feelings, etc., it was as if the non-alcoholic parent that was enforcing these rules so that nobody ever upset the alcoholic passed on his belief that the alcoholic could be controlled. If we act like this, she will not be angry. If we don't do this, she won't drink more. But if we do THIS, she will yell and scream and we will all be sorry. His attempts to control her - and using me as an unknowing accomplice - helped me to learn how to deal with alcoholism. I am sure that he learned this behavior from his own experience, and it wasn't his fault ... he didn't know any other way.

But this learned behavior is what I am trying so hard to un-learn.

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Interesting ... I am in the middle of studying a topic on social cognition and morality too. Kind of ties in

I was not brought up in a fmily with addictions. I was brought up in a family that did use. I do not remember any real rules in my life, although my brother had rules. I watched and learned what was acceptable or made up my own mind on what was fair, right or wrong. To be honest I was too stubborn to listen to should's or should not's even when it was about a way to accomplish a task. I think I had a need to know why it would or would not work this way or something. But when people would share of their experiences and I loved my elders, still do, I listened very well and applied it to my life. Thanks for sharing Deb, I'm gonna think on this one for a while.

Jen

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Good topic - very interesting.

I grew up in a prett normal home. No addiction. Good family, had a great childhood.

My sister (4 years younger) and I had tons of rules... and many many more as teenagers.

As a child - more structure like rules like, brush your teeth, eat b-fast, put dishes away.... before dinner, wash your hands, brush your teeth before bed (my mom would inspect my teeth to ensure I brushed them)...

As a teenager - we had tons of chores to do every week. I don't think the rules were too many just that my mom was too much of a controlling person so she was never satisfied. I never dusted good enough, I should have mowed the lawn this way instead of that way, I should have changed the lawnmover bag more ofter, I should have windexed first, then used pledge for dusting last, ect...

I just remember feeling like it was never good enough. But, I also remember not really caring or trying either - I was an awful selfish teenager who cared only about who was buying my beer on friday night and where would we go. I did tons of drugs and was mean to my mom, unappreciative, and very selfish from about 13-16 years old.

At 16-17 I started growing up and not being so horrible but still resented all the rules and how controlling my mom was.

I remember when I was about 12-13, I was having a few friends sleep over... and at 3:00 in the morning, my mom came down to wake us up and yell at me for not putting our plates in the dishwasher (we left them in the sink) and so we all had to march upstairs and put our plates in the dishwasher where they belonged.

I was mortified and SO mad at my mom.

I still dont' know how I feel about that - I mean, on one hand, I never left my plates in the sink again when friends were over (still did when they weren't) but it was harsh.

My mom sweats the small stuff too much... the world is not going to end cause a fork is in the sink and not the dishwasher! It won't matter a year from now, or even a week from now, that the lawn was mowed vertically instead of horizontally, or that the milk in on the shelf in the fridge and not in the door!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

oh I loved reading all your responses! I hope we get more.

Danielle you reminded me that we had to brush teeth, had chores, brothers and I rotated doing a job doing dishes. If the washer, my brother had 3 dirty dishes he had to wash again the next night...well I made SURE I found 3 dirty dishes. lol

Mother figured that one out quick. Once he put the waffle iron away dirty with a waffle in it...gross! lol

We had chores every sat, could not leave to go play until they were done. i remember i always had inside things! I got upset and told my mother I want to mow the lawn, trim trees, clean the pool! So then we all took turns. My mother was before her time.

I didn't want ya to think we did not have boundaries. It was more we learned not to tell others what to do or get into their stuff.

My A had such a horrible childhood, and adulthood. Only time he was ever happy was when he got on his strong program for years, and we were married and so happy! I was blessed to share that.

He had trouble not getting into my business. I remember telling him I was going to Mothers for the day. I found out later he told his mom he was mad as I did not "ASK" him!!!!omgosh. I am sure sometimes I really freaked him out with my openess and love.

When our adult son put my new Jeep in the lake, Rick was mad about the stupid Jeep. I was more thankful that our son got out alive, he lost his dog in that horrible day.ugh We had to go get him. He had gone underwater to try to get his dog out but was too late. Some idiot put his boat over mac and Mac came up and bonked his head on the propeller!

Anyway my A and I grew up so opposite.

LOVE these responses!

danielle0516 · Senior Member

about getting into other peoples stuff... I suppose I didn't comment on that.

My mom got into all our stuff and continues to do so, my dad is the complete oposite. They are both extreme on their sides. A balance of both their extremems would probably be healthiest. My mom intense overwhelming controlling and always wanting to run every show and my dad is way too laid back to the point where he lost a relationship with his other kids (from a previous marriage so my half bro and sis) because they were "turned against" him as teenagers and he did nothing to 'get them back' because..... that would be "interfering in their business." Of course that story is a million pages longer but that's the gist of it.

I think I'm finding that balance, as I lean more toward (obviously) getting into people's stuff!

Growing up my mom would always want to know what I was doing, with who, where, whey how why for how long ect... If I got in trouble, which I very often did, she would want to know why I did it, what I was thinking, I would be forced to watch videos and write essays explaining why it was wrong... explaining how I've come to realize that that was wrong.

So, my mom always told us what to do...about lots of different things, my dad rarely said anything. My mom also takled about and still does talk about what other people shoul do in their situations.... my dad, still, rarely comments. It could be the biggest drama ever and my dad would have nothing to say unless asked and even then you would get a short two sentence reply.

hahah... I'm laughing now but yesterday I was very frustrated. Yesterday, my mom said she would paint this 1 wall in my dining room that the Realtor suggested we paint before selling the house (among other more important things).

I got home from work and all the furniture was pushed in the middle of the rooms, drop cloths, curtains down and all art off the wall with tools and supplies everywhere - every wall in my livingroom, kitchen and dining room was patched with paint swatches painted on them. It looked like the entire house was being renovated.

I asked my mom why... it was only supposed to be that one wall and the Realtor said it was no big deal just do it "if you get around to it but don't focus on that"... and my mom replied ...

"well, if I do that wall I may as well do that one and since the dog chewed the bottom over there I had to patch that so now I have to paint that wall and we no longer have that same paint so I have to get a different color so now it won't match so I have to do that other wall too ect...."

wow.

I did some deep breathing and telling myself I'm grateful I have a loving mom who is always there for me and wants to help out.

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