Step one is a battle - Al-Anon Family Group

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

Step one is a battle

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

It simplifies things for me to think of this: I am powerless over my AH. I cannot control HIM. Step one for me says, I realize I am powerless over ______________________, and my life has become unmanagable. You get to fill in the blank and for me, my AH's name fills it completely. I cannot control him, I cannot stop him, I have no power over him - he will do what he does and I accept that I cannot make him do what I want him to do. Oh - here's my edit - it also means that whatever he does, I have no part in it, means it wasn't my fault and I have no reason to feel any guilt for the consequences of HIS actions.

-- Edited by likemyheart on Monday 11th of April 2011 11:55:37 PM

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

What worked for me was , I am powerless over alcohol * and the man who drinks it * Shaming him never works and it always makes you feel bad . so why do it > do you really need the guilt ? The minute I think I have any control over anyone but myself my life instantly becomes unmanagable , I focus on them and loose myself = one more time . Acceptance works he drinks , if you cannot accept him leave him , if you cant leave him find a way to accept him just the way he is . Louise

-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 12th of April 2011 01:13:18 AM

drummerchick423 · Senior Member

Unfortunately, what you're saying makes PERFECT sense to me, but only in the sense that..I've been through EXACTLY THE SAME EXPERIENCE.

My abf is now my EX, though.

I did the same things you did. I tried to control his drinking. I would say mean things to try to make him feel bad for drinking. All that did was make me feel guilty, and make him just lie to me about things or manipulate me.

Are you in al-anon?

Remember, you didn't cause his drinking. You can't cure it. And you can't control it.

I think of, accepting those three things, as also working the 1st step.

I accepted the 1st step the day after my exabf put a gun in his mouth, during an argument with me about his drinking, over the phone.

After 3.5 years of being off and on because of the disease, I finally hit my bottom...my breaking point..the moment where I FINALLY realized, I AM POWERLESS.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

All the futile behaviors and words I had engaged in, to try to make him stop.

I lie down on the ground, sobbing my eyes out. I had no control. He was going to keep drinking, and engage in self-destructive behaviors, until he was ready to quit. Maybe he never would be ready.

Then I got up off the ground and asked myself, Sandra...can you tolerate that? Can you live with him knowing that?

For me, the answer was no. It was too much for me. I knew I had to turn him over to his HP and focus on myself.

Powerless. Just meditate on the word for a while. When you're truly ready to accept it, you will know.

Corgi2 wrote:

I know I've already said it before, but I cant express how grateful I am to have found this site. I have been in this situation before so many times - my Abf calls me or I call him and he's been drinking but completely denies it. I end up staying awake for a long time being really angry at him and thinking about how much more I can take until I finally walk away...and now Im blessed because I have this site to come to and vent my feelings and read other people's experiences to help me through this very fragile moment.
Im struggling with step one tonight. I logically know I am powerless over alcohol; but I am still trying to control its effects. I know my bf is drinking, and Im trying to make him stop by making him feel bad. The outcome is always the same, I dont know why Im expecting different results. In a few days we will get in an argument about his rude behavior and he will tell me he can't live like this and make it my fault. MY FAULT!!! Like Im the one whos lying and being cruel and insensitive.
None of what I say is probably making sense, I just needed to get it out. Im grateful that I can do that here and even if no one understands my random words; they will appreciate my feelings.

Thanks all, off to read c2c

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, it makes perfect sense. I think that is how most of us have felt at one point or another (or lots of points, in my case). I, too, used shame and manipulation to attempt to control the other person. It didn't work. The other person invariably turned it on me and blamed me ... which, I can kind of understand, given that most people who are attacked tend to be defensive. Just because the other person blamed me didn't make it my fault. Just like my attempts to blame someone else because I wasn't happy (I did this by telling myself that I'd just be happy if he'd quit drinking ... I'd just be happy if he'd quit lying ... etc.) didn't make my unhappiness anyone else's fault but my own.

When I got in the program, I thought Step 1 was admitting defeat. It's NOT - it's the furthest thing in the world from it. It's EMPOWERING. Sure, we admit what we are powerless over. However, in admitting what we are powerless over, we bring the focus back to what we DO have power over - ourselves, our emotions, our choices, our decisions, our actions. When I stopped and thought about it, I had a lot more power than I had ever given myself credit for. It was just a different power than I was trying to use.

Glad you're here!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't use the powerless word as much as I say I have no control.For me I learned to think, well I have no control over making it snow, I have no control over how a person makes their own decisions, ultimately it is up to them.

I have no power over my brothers diabetes, my hair coming in grey, or when my dog gets lost.

I had no control over the AH stopping and getting a thing, pint? of vodka,downing the whole thing before he got home. I knew he was drinking, of course he was, he was a sick A.Why bother asking.

One thing I learned when teaching kids, never ask them if they did it. never. I will not put people in a corner. Does no good. I would put it both ways, well I sure would not make that choice, if I did I would choose different next time and talk about choices.

Same as never mentioning the F's on the report card but tell them how great the C or D was. They say ya but an . I would say, no big deal just means you have more to learn!

Same with Al Anon, we blow it, so what? We just have more to learn or more to really come to believe.

I promise someday it will hit you. I have no control? What a freaking relief! I have no business even getting into "his" disease. I don't have to even think about it!I am not kidding.When it really came to me, I felt like a million pounds was off me!

I have no control so why bother? so I can just love him, and leave the rest to HP,and learn how to take care of me.

you are doing fine! one tiny move at a time! love,debilyn

drummerchick423 · Senior Member

Amen to that!!!

I think of how sick it made me, to get myself all worked up about him out at the bars...wondering, was he getting into fights? was he going to drive home drunk? how dare he manipulate and lie to me, to make me think he was done with that sort of behavior...

Oh man, that bred nothing but stomachaches, headaches, panic attacks..HE was the one drinking, but I was the one feeling physically ill...that's why the al-anon program works so well, because through working the steps, we can learn to let go of those controlling behaviors that make us both emotionally, spiritually, and physicially SICK. Sometimes, sicker even than the alcoholic.

Debilyn wrote:

I promise someday it will hit you. I have no control? What a freaking relief! I have no business even getting into "his" disease. I don't have to even think about it!I am not kidding.When it really came to me, I felt like a million pounds was off me!

member922 · Senior Member

Yep. I wanted the behavior to stop. I now realize that I have no control. Now I am dealing with whether I can accept. I love him as a person and as a friend, but as a day to day partner, ??? I doubt it.

I am continously being blamed for being miserable, but he won't let me leave. He tries to turn the tables on me and complain about my behaviors and somehow I always get flimflammed. Like others say, eventually it will hit you hard enough to make a move. It's difficult to get there, but it will come. I do have faith in that. It seems to get easier as you go.

Hang tight and rest assured that what you say all makes sense. And your feelings are definitely appreciated.

((((Corgi2))))

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a conversation with my exAH recently and all I heard come out of his mouth was sickness and I was unable to reply. I told him I was sorry, but I didn't know what to say or how to say it and needed time to think about what he had put before me. It seemed to work and now I am not feeling at fault for saying anything. Yeah me! I just decided to stop joining in the insanity party any longer, it has taken me 15 years to make the right choice more than the wrong one. You made a right one by ending up here. Yeah you!

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

Thank you all so much for the support and kind words. I feel much better just 24 hours later because I didn't react the way I use to. Sure I got upset and cried a little, but instead of going to him, I came here. I wrote how I felt and got to read your reactions and hear some of your stories. I feel better just knowing that Im not alone and even if its 3 am, I can come here to share and read shares. Again, thank you so much for understanding me and giving me hope

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.