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I really don`t know how to condense this but I will try. I also don`t mean to be throwing everyone in the mental health field under the bus so to speak but this has been predominately my experience.
My grandaughter who is now 7 had been in my custody when she was about 3. Her dad who had just gotten out of prison heard that his daughter (my gd) had got hit by my daughters new hubby. He also confided in me (at that time) and told me the reason my daughter has been acting so awful since my grandaughter turned 2 was that she had gone back on crack. I use to be going out of my mind trying to figure out why she was so mean to me and the child. Never did I think she would go back to that life. Boy was I naive and in denial. I called the state`s dept of social services once I heard the facts and told them all I knew. I went to court and was granted custody. Only because the judge ordered a drug test , not because of social services. Once there was an assigned service worker. It was all over for me. My daughter is a fantastic manipulator. The social worker believed every word she said. That I was just a budinsky trying to make trouble for her. The social worker called me up and said, so what if she gets high once in awhile? The place looks good. The child said mommy is a good mommy also. Gee I wonder why?? Anyone who is told ahead of time knows that they have to clean the place up and put food in the cabinets. My daughter was hell bent on getting her d back. She manipulated the system and played the games. The only people that saw through her were the probabtion dept. Finally after about 9 months my d cried to the judge how she is doing so good, and look at how she goes to meetings etc,etc..I had requested a hair folicle test and my daughter refused. The judge bought her story and gave her back her daughter that day without any further testing. I was devastated. I knew she was still using but not like before. Fast forward to the following years and my daughter moved on to drinking and men as substitutes for crack I believe. Always men in her bed when my gd was there. I have tried to speak to counselors about these behaviors and some of her other behaviors. She doesnt bathe her without me reminding her. I have to be in charge of if gets new clothing to fit her or not. I`am the one who gets her involved in any activities. I also do all of her heming of clothes, etc.. Pretty much all the things most mothers might do. My daughter has also been abusive to some extent with the child and is a rageaholic. I have tried in vain to get the school counselor to know of of these actions and they seem to lean towards my daughter. For instance, somone called social services this past year and the first thing ss does is call the school to see if she has food and clothing. Well, the school couselor tipped my daughter off with a call to warn her so that she could clean her house and fill it with food before they showed up without her knowing. There have been numererous counselors that have been involved over the years and if I bring anything up about whats going on. They will turn it around and say, you and your daughter don`t have the best relationship do you? Its as though nobody wants to hear me and protect this child. Prior to Alanon we had some pretty hard times but my d also heard from counselors to knock off with her verbal abuse to me because it was bad for the child. The reason I`am bringing this up is because my grandaughter and I had a hard week end. She was not feeling her best and everytime she didnt get her way she would hurt me. I handled it pretty good. This is not new behavior btw. Its just what she afterwards that is new. She now apologizes which is big for her. But now she is saying, I do this because this is what mommy does to me. I asked her if she has ever told either of her counselors this. No,is what I always get from her. She will not reveal anything negative about her mother to them for fear that they might tell her mother and her mother will mad at her, or possibly she might be taken away from her. She started to tell me about how her mother pulls her by the hair and grabs her arm really hard. How when she was married to that guy how they hurt her and locked her in a room. I was beside myself listening to this. I said, please tell your therapists this honey. I said, you dont want to do this one day to your own children do you? I didn`t know what more to say to hopefully encourage her to tell them. Now even if she does tell, but I kind of doubt she will. What if they do nothing? I can`t call and put in a complaint. They already see me as a troublemaker. I feel so helpless. Am I overreacting?
So sorry this is so long... I just don`t know what to do..
Your situation can be very tricky. I have had students that I refer to the school counselor. Some students will spill the beans while talking to the counselor and then turn right around and deny everything once it goes further. It's heartbreaking.
Have you brought your concerns to the school's principal or GD's teacher?
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I don't think you are downing the mental health system. You are downing the governemental social services system....and with good reason. I wonder if you go could go with your granddaughter to her next therapy session and speak briefly with her therapist. Just tell the therapist that your granddaughter shared some disturbing things that are going on at home and you dont know what to believe, have intervened before to no avail, and just want what is best for her. The therapist will be a mandatory reporter of abuse so if your grand daughter reports abuse, it will be called in. From there, you have tried your best and that is all you can do. Yeah, it sounds like it is not the most stable environment and your granddaughter is going to experience some fall out. You don't need to accept abuse from her though. At 7 she is old enough to know not to hit grandma and that rules are different at different people's houses. I am wondering if this 7 year old might be smart enough to be manipulating to situation on her own (not to say she isn't undergoing some real confusing stuff). Just be careful about putting her in the middle and also about her manipulating that to her benefit too. I would be more concerned about teaching her right from wrong and about rules when she is with you since that is the best you can do. Can't fix mom obviously.
Prayers with you. I can see how difficult and frustrating this situation would be.
I do not think therapists and social services are naive after they've worked their careers for a little while. But I do know how limited their authority really can be unless the situation is dire. And in comparison to some homes they see with no loving grandmother and mother who will at least clean up when she has to ... some may be fooled but most just have their hands tied or have to choose more dangerous cases to deal with first.
This may sound hard hearted but I do not intend it to be that way ... it is just the only area I see I could have control over ... if it were me I would document when my granddaughter asaulted me and gather as much information on what would happen if I reported it And then I would meditate and decide if I could live with whatever outcome came of taking those steps.
Dear samsgram, I underline pinkchip's suggestion about talking to the therapist---since the therapist is madated to report suspected abuse. Your situation is tough--congratulations on not just turning your head.
Samsgram, I truly feel for you. I am a grandma to my darling grandkids and I would move heaven and earth to protect them, the same as you. I applaud you for keeping your granddaughter clothed and staying close to her emotionally. I would do the same. She is not the one with the problem, except that she has to deal, minute by minute, with the problem. Another thing I would teach her is how to use 911. I had a student that reported some problems to me, so I was mandated to report them to the school social worker. But I also sat down with him (the 3rd grader) and we talked about where the phone was located in the house. Could he get to it? could he sneak to it? could he use it in private? was it a house phone or a cell phone? did he know what to say? what would he say? We went through it step by step so that in the panic of the moment he could stay rational and do what had to be done without guilt and knowing he was doing the best thing for him and for the family. You can't do anything about the addictions, but you can be affective around the edges. Taking care of grandkids is so important. Good luck to you.
Thanks for the replies... Up till now I have tried to speak with her counselors but for the most part, I`am unable to get them to speak with me because of confidential reasons. I`am not the childs legal guardian so they can not speak to me without the mothers permission.
I have heard this before and can understand to a certain extent that the states are backlogged with severe cases, but wouldn`t you think that the counselor would at the very least contact my daughter and talk with her. Maybe send her to a parenting class or something that might scare her. I`am assuming my gd spoke with her school counselor today and told her as she promised me she would because I recieved an e-mail from their session. Hi Grandma,
I`am having a good day today. Mrs SoSo and I are going out to look at the flowers shortly. I`m sorry I hit you the other night. Ms. Soso says I`am too big to be doing that. For now on, instead of doing that when I get frustrated I will go to my special place.
Love,
Grandaughter
I can guarentee you that my gd did tell this counselor what mother has been doing to her and the counselor will not report it. Last year she told her something similar about her swisting her arm and the counselor did nothing.
Something sure seems out of wack here...
I tell my gd to call me if she can at home if she ever needs me. She is terrified of her mother and would never call on her while she is around.
Jennifer, What did you mean by suggesting to keep a log and report it. To who? Also who would mediate?
When I was replying I was thinking about a situation my cousin had with her eldest son a few years ago. When he would visit his dad's house and then come home he would sometimes be aggressive and ... basically assault her and his little sister (who's father is my cousin's husband) this created a nasty situation for awhile. Long story short, my cousin's only alternative was to document the behavior and report her son to authorities in order to get the steps taken to change the visitation that was aggravating the behavior. She had a very difficult time coming to terms with risking the possible trouble her son may get into with her need to protect both him from continuing to learn this behavior and her daughter. I mentioned meditation in my post for that reason but do not know what mediation may be available.Things are working out for the best in her situation.
I do not know for sure what could be done with the information or if the potential consequences would be worth it in any situation. Or what available options there may be in your state or county, a legal aid type source may be able to help with that information. Keeping a record of happenings in any situation that is potentially legal or behavioral issues is a good idea just to know the dates and facts rather than rely on memories if the need arises. Another benefit I found to keeping documentation of events that frustrated me was that I finally felt I was doing something even if nobody ever saw it but me. I can only imagine how hard it is to want to protect your granddaughter and be limited in so many ways. Keeping you and yours in my prayers.
I work with DCF and Foster care kids now. What it will take for her to be removed is severe neglect in the form of not providing adequate clothing, shelter, or food. Or it will be abuse in the form of leaving marks and bruises on her. As soon as you see a bruise, THEN they can act on it. Also, if they leave her alone in the house for long periods of time, that is inadequate supervision and she can be removed for that. I am told as a counselor that I draw the abuse line at leaving marks on a child. Spanking and grabbing an arm to lead a child to a certain place are acceptable forms of discipline by the law (though we might not agree). Hitting with a closed fist and leaving bruises or injuries are not. You will NEVER get a child removed for emotional abuse or abuse less than what I described. Just stating this from my knowledge from working in the field as a child therapist. If a child comes to me and tells me "mommy hit me," my first questions are "show me how" and I look for marks and bruises. I have to determine if it is more than a spanking or trying to move the child to another area...I have called abuse on parents multiple times so don't think all counselors do nothing. We are mandatory reporters of child abuse and elder abuse.
I can totally see that is where they are drawing lines. But the counselor my gd see`s at school has reported her incidents in the past only by me encouraging her. Maybe this is the problem. Although it shouldn`t be. Last year she had a bruise from a book her mother hit her with and this counselor did nothing. This is the same social worker who tipped my daughter off about dcf coming into the school a few months ago. She obviously seems to have my daughters best interest at heart, not the child.
This is not even a matter of taking the child out of the house. It just seems downright wrong that this counselor doesn`t seem to take these incidents seriously.
