The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been married for nearly 20 years and discovered last year my husband is a functional alcoholic. it was a shock at first but it all made sense. He has been drinking forever but became more sophisticated with age. He started collecting "vintage" wine and going to wine tastings, old or new wine has the same alcohol content, $10 wine or $200 wine same content. anyway he would open a bottle of wine, i would have 1/2 glass and he would drink the whole bottle because he didnt want to waste it and he would drink beers before and scotch after supper. he would say he only drinks on week-ends, week-end starting on Thursday.... we haven't had any intimacy in 10 years due to erectyle dysfunction issues but i thought it was my fault, being unattractive and overweight. We never talked about it because my impression was i am the problem. i thought i was not smart enough after being told repeatedly how educated his family is. (7 kids with a university degree). His father was an alcoholic, his sister is an alcoholic and got charged for DUi in the fall. I was told how funny the family is all i see is use of sarcasms, which is typically being mean to somebody. i became angry early on and started yelling at my daughter and being very unhappy in general, at work, at home, getting sick a lot. Finally 4 years ago i started working out and lost weight, my self esteem and confidence started to grow slowly but surely. Last year i went to see a counselor for myself beacuse i thought i was crazy. she told me about Al-Anon and i have started attending meetings since October. The relief and sharing the pain of living with an alcoholic with other people who went through the same thing, different stories but same impact, opened my eyes. Recently i have just accepted i didnt cause it, i can't control it and i can't cure it. it felt like an epiphany!
In February I decided to separate from my husband. We went for counseling and he said he would change, he said he doesn't have a drinking problem that i am being dilusional. and to prove his point he stopped drinking. so now he has become a "dry" drunk. the behavior is even worse, all the traits of character are even more visible. But he still denies he has a problem. i stopped attending al-anon for 3 weeks due to work reasons and after a very difficult meeting on step 5 where everybody that day shared some very deep and dark "secrets". It takes a lot of courage indeed to come forward with these. What i learned from these 3 weeks is how fast and easy it is to spiral down with the alcoholic, sober or not. How easy it is to be codependent to protect oneself and a child, how easy it is to lose one's sanity. i was at the point of almost giving up on separation, doubting myself on my decision, denying the existence of alcoholism in my family. One of the members at al-anon said to me it was part of my journey and it was meant to be a lesson for me. How true it is.
I am now facing the challenge of approaching the subject of an alcoholic father to my teenage daughter who hopefully will attend the al-ateen meetings. We have to tell her we are separating at the end of school year and i need to progress on the 12 steps process for myself. Thats' why i need an online sponsor to coach me through them, i am struggling at step 4. I am struggling with everything really but i have found inner strength and help from al-anon.
I am now true to myself. :) Thank you for listening.
-- Edited by Crazy Frog on Tuesday 12th of April 2011 09:24:22 AM
I'm just wondering - you say that you were attending al-anon meetings. Is there a person that you could ask to be your sponsor that is there at the meetings? [As an aside, i have never been in a 5th step al-anon meeting where everyone shares a deep, dark secret. This would not sit well with me, and would probably make me look for another group. Is there another group in your area, if you are not comfortable with the group you have gone to in the past?]
It took me forever to get the courage to ask someone to be my sponsor. I was in the program for more than a year and I was self-sponsored. I tried to do some amends all on my own and made a couple of bad situations worse. Ugh. I digress. Anyway, although it was hard to approach someone and ask, I finally got the nerve to do it. The woman, an oldtimer in the program, agreed. She's explained to me that if you ever ask a person that says no, the problem is NOT you - the problem may be that they are already overcommitted with family stuff, that they are sponsoring a bunch of people already and don't feel they can devote the time you deserve, or maybe something else - but NOT you.
I have only been in the program for about 3 years, and I haven't ever sponsored anyone, but I can see how invaluable a face to face sponsorship relationship is. The person can see your facial expressions, see your body language, hear your tone of voice, and understand what you're feeling when you're feeling it . I'm not saying that an online sponsorship relationship isn't good - I haven't had an online sponsor so I don't know. Just saying that if having a f2f sponsor is a possibility, it seems like it would be very preferable.
Wow great open and honest share and good for you! I am also new to Al-anon within the last few months, but I am wondering if you have a sponsor from your face to face meetings? Mine has been a blessing in the hugest way. And good for you on your step work. I too felt insane so many times after 15 years of living in insanity. So glad you are here!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Your point is very interesting. we do not have sponsors at our meetings, we do have a mentor. I guess that's why the 5th step meeting was a bit brutal. Newcomers present at this meeting never came back. We do not judge if people feel like sharing some "secrets" , i think its part of healing?
a face to face sponsor would help for sure but i would need to change groups and as strange as it sounds i like what i get out of our group meetings. I do understand your concerns, its very valid. In the meantime, i feel an online sponsor would meet my needs.
Mentors for me is just another word for sponsor , or guides thru this program people who have been where were at and help us walk thru this . Adding another meeting to your week is a great idea no need to stop your current meeting ,together or not you too need to recover from the effects of someone elses drinking the more you go to meetings the faster you grow . I have been an on line sponsor for awhile and have found it is not very affective and most relationships have fallen by the way side , on line does not have the one on one personal eye contact that I need to keep me honest . I am sure any of us on this site would be willing to accept emails but dont stop your search for f2f sponsorship . it is one of the many gifts this program has to offer . Louise
Face to face sponsorship has always kept me accountable and responsible for my choices. I do not have experience with online sponsorship. However, I do know how much I get out of the f2f meetings and meeting with my sponsor for lunch after the meeting. I love to see the faces of the regulars in the meetings. I have come to count on their support. I feel the unlimited love in the room each and every time I go which is priceless.
I have sponsored many people over the years. I continue to have active sponsees working their program. For me I am unsure as to how I could give someone the love, support, and guidance they need without ever seeing them f2f. I hope that perspective helps.
i love going to the meetings .i go every tuesday at lunch time. but we are all working the steps so there isn't an "ideal" sponsor there. Thats why i turned to an online sponsor to help decipher some of the steps. But i think this message board is a huge resource and it actually helps me dealing with life one day at a time and i get lots and lots of wisdom here.
As of today I may have found a temporary sponsor so i am going to give it a try and maybe attend dfferent meetings.
