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Just before admitting herself to the hospital my wife ended a 1 week binge by playing beach volleyball with a volleyball social group that she has done a lot of drinking with. One of the guys from the club ended taking her home and then dropping her off in the morning (while I was getting the kids ready for school ) in one of the worst conditions that anyone besides myself had ever seen her in. He just dropped her off and drove away like a rat avoiding the light. My mother in law was there at my request and the neghbors ended up helping to get her to the hospital, it was and eye opening experience for them.
Just before she left rehab her docter and her had decided that it would be best if she stayed at home in the beginning instead of returning to her condo, what was to happen after was chalked up to "take it a little at a time". I did want my wife to come home, but at that time I expresed my concern that moving home and then back to the condo would be emotionally difficult for me, not to mention our kids, still it was too early in the recovery to commit to the marriage, so my wife and her docter were very non comittal about it and even though I knew deep down what it meant I aggreed.
Fast forward to yesterday morning, she tells me she is going to spend the nights in the condo again, even though I knew it deep down it still hurt me emotionally. She wants to play mom during the days and then go to the condo at night.
She also teaches yoga on the beach on Sundays. Some of the members of the volleyball club go to her class and it's held at the same place that they play volleyball. Even given the history of the volleyball club I had felt it would be controlling to say she could no longer associate with them.
My younger son wanted to surf, so I bring him down and push him into waves after her yoga class. She lays on the beach while we are in the water. When I get out I notice that a guy from her volleyball club that she has a history with is laying next to her, their body language suggested to me that things were flirtatious. To me this breaks an emotional boundary. No matter how inocent it may have been in reality, the fact is it showed a complete disregard for my feelings and emotional well being.
When I confronted her with it later, she turns it all back on me. I'm not sure if she knows that she is using words verbatim that she has used in the past during fits of addiction manipulation. She even hinted at times that I was risking a relapse for her, which even though rationally I know is not my responsibility, emotionally I'm not that far into the program not to be affected.
I'm just so sad right now, I see no other way to protect myself emotionally then to finally file for divorce. I still believe that things "could" work, but I'm trying to change something I can't control, the only thing I can control is my response.
I am sorry to hear of your situation. This disease is so terrible and I know it first hand. You are at a crossroads for sure. Have you read Getting Them Sober or Codependent No More? Those 2 books have been huge in my life as far as self growth. I also read Hope for Today and Courage to change daily readers. I found the more I immersed myself in Al-anon readings the more I started focusing on myself and not spiraling over my exAH (I filed over a month ago). F2F meetings have helped me to find a sponsor and to be able to really work my program and not feel selfish for finally taking care of myself, which has bettered me to be able to take care of my children and their emotional needs even better. I take everything to my HP and see where he guides me through meditation and prayer. Let Go and Let God is easier said than done, but when done what a serene feeling in the midst of chaos!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I can imagine the pain that you're in. I'm so sorry.
As I read through your post, something that I did jumped out at me. I spent 99% of my time contemplating divorce. If I could relive those particular years over again, I'd give 99% of the time seeking recovery for myself. I'm not suggesting that I'd not be divorced today; however, am I suggesting that I'd be more spiritually grounded, which is my ultiimate goal in life.
I've been divorced since June 2010. So......... many said that I'd feel the big relief when the divorce was final. I'm still waiting to feel that relief. I think I'm still waiting because what I needed and still need has nothing to do whether I'm divorced or not. I do feel much more peace than I ever have, however, because I have learned to keep the focus on me.
Please done take what I say personally. I don't imply that you are doing the same thing. But perhaps others who read your post do.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Thanks to both, Gail, I'm not sure where I could find a place to take what you said in a bad way. Co-dependant (yep that's been me), focused on her (yep, still there, but starting to put my needs into the picture little by little).
Props to my sponser who affirmed that my feelings were valid, but (without me ever mentioning divorce) pointed out that I should confront her in a non threatening way. I actually said to her that "I will file for divorce if you continue to play volleyball with that group" during the heat of the moment, I meant it at the time and was resolved to at least get the paper work started today as I felt a boundary had been crossed. My sponser called me back before I contacted my lawyer however. Now I realize that the way I communicated my feelings right or wrong were threatening and put her in the defensive mode which ussually causes her to turn things around on me. It doesn't mean that we won't end up in divorce, but I need to be cognisent of using it as a threat and mechanism for control. If we divorce it should be by mutual aggreement.
Dear DadtoCandE, I am new to al-anon--but not to life, and issues in marriage.
I empathize with your situation so much--being a father and co-creator of a family, and I sense that you feel that you love your wife.
I am learning here that, very early in recovery, a person is merely dry but not yet processing into recovery.
I also know that all relationship problems are not necessarily because one person is an alcoholic. There can be other reasons seperate from alcoholism.
I wonder if you are having trouble with setting your boundries from the getgo? I am merely inquiring? If the shoe doesn't fit, of course, ........ It is just that I hear a lot of hurt between the lines. I've had a similar hurt in the past and it sucks large jagged rocks!
I went back and read some of your earlier posts and the question that comes to mind is: What's in it for you?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
You are doing all these things to be responsible, act like a grown up, and your wife gets to act like an irresponsible child. I understand this is a disease and you love her...she is the mother of your children. I also understand you have your limit and you don't deserve to be treated so disrespectfully. She should not get to "play mom" and alternately go back to acting like a wayward teenager. You have some tough choices on your hands.
Dad this is part and parcel of my own story in my life with my alcoholic wife and then came the awakening as I started working the Al-Anon program as suggested...following it and following thru with it as much as I was willing. I came to understand that while I was willing to hope and try the alcoholic was willing to drink again and participate with all of those thoughts, feelings and behaviors that come with compulsive, obsessive, addictive alcoholism. I came to understand clearly what the meaning of "When nothing changes...nothing changes" and that I alone was responsible for my peace of mind and serenity. Did I jump at final solutions? No I took steps...one at a time and started trusting in a power greater than myself and the entire fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups. I separated myself from the alcohol, the alcoholic, alcoholism "all things alcohol" as my then sponsor directed and went solely after this program of recovery. I put walls between things that would hurt me (real and imagined) and just focused on that which would heal me. When I left where I was living then...just out of chance and HP's will...I met her and my step daughter in a store. My alcoholic was sober I had heard and she looked sober I could see and I was aware when we embraced in public that we loved each other and at the same time had no reason to be married. I use to live bassackwards and try not to do that today...so far soooo good. You remind me when you speak of the "other guy" that I was once "the other guy" myself. She was committed only to alcohol...that she would give herself totally to.
Alcoholism touches every one it comes in contact with and everyone has the choice to not let it happen over and over. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
