The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The kids and I went down to see AH this weekend. After a couple of weeks of feeling lost, lonely, anxious and all, I came to realize this weekend that there was really no need to feel that way. Yes, he spent time with the kids and my Dad on saturday, and they all had a great day. Late in the day on Saturday, AH and I started to have a conversation, which really opened my eyes to how sick he really is. He tried to compare his drinking of beer to relieve stress, to my baking to relieve stress. Yes I agree, both cost money... however when I bake... the kids don't suffer.. unless you think that them loving the baked goods are bad for them?? I don't get to do that all the time either (the baking) He said that once an apple, always an apple... you can't make an apple into an orange.. ok..
It was after that conversation, that I realized... that I really don't want to be with him. I have been doing ok without him. I have known for a long time that I didn't love him like I use to, and now... not sure if I even like him.
He was acting like a child during some of the conversation, even went as far as to hide behind the barn, sulking.
We haven't been to court as of yet. I got an email from my worker from CAS, and was told that the papers were going to ready by the end of friday. So, have to wait and see if I get papers served to me.. I already know what they are going to be asking for, and so far AH disagrees with everything, and says that he wouldn't be able to comply. His loss. Not mine. I'm doing everything that I need to be doing, and that's all I can do.
Anyway, just wanted to give a bit of an update... Hope everyone had a good weekend
My ABF used to minimize the impact of his relapses too, saying that he didn't think his monthly or bi-monthly 10-day binges were such a big deal because he had more days sober than drunk.
Sounds like the lightbulb is starting to come on for you, Evian.
Hope all goes well with CAS.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
And that, my friend, is called acceptance. Congratulations!
I remember when I finally moved from what coulda, woulda, shoulda been, to what really was. With that came the personal acknowledgement, that not only did I not love him anymore, but I didn't like him either. Wow. Acceptance. Such a difficult realization, but so freeing too. Once I accepted what was, I could move on, and just one step forward was huge progress for me. I was so stuck for so long.
As for that crazy talking... it is just that. Crazy. So crazy in that I didn't have the words to respond, but I always tried, thus was crazy too. Glad you see it for what it is.
Thanks for sharing,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Oh gawd, are you serious? Comparing drinking to baking???
Come to think of it, my ex would make some pretty odd rationalizations like that. He'd also talk about how he HAD to drink because he was stressed. "I drink because I can't smoke pot, Sandra!" He'd say.
I'd be like, "HUH? The only way you know how to relieve stress is either drink or take drugs??" Sorry, but there are plenty of HEALTHY ways to deal with stress. Turning to alcohol or drugs because you're stressed out is a sure sign of ADDICTION, not healthy coping.
Unfortunately, that's part of the problem - addicts and alcoholics don't even know healthy ways to cope. They immediately turn to the bottle or drug.
OMG! What you are all saying makes so much sense! That is why I love this group and keep coming back.
My (ex?) bf says he smokes to settle down and relax and it's no big deal. He has so much stress (even when spending time with loved ones (?), and it's the one thing he can depend on in his life. He actually says it's better than alcohol because it doesn't mess you up so much, or at all for that matter.
I am so glad that you got to see this again in a new light. Your eye opener helps me to see better.
And I also laugh because baking is my stress reliever as well. Comparing it to drinking or any illegal drug just seems ridiculous to me.
Loupiness just hit on something that has always made me want to pull my hair out.
Crazy talk from an A. It has been my inclination to respond with logic and respect--as if I were talking to any normal person---MY BAD! It is so frustrating that I, just like Loupiness, would become mute with no words to say back. Then, I feel like I am going crazy!!
I would love to hear how other people handle this kind of conversation?
Now that I have been in AlAnon for a long while, and because I have had the wisdom given to me by people like you-alls, and because I have read so very much literature on alcoholism and AlAnon recovery, and I have stopped treating the mental illness like it were normal...... Because of all that....I just stay quiet. I used to have to have a logical discussion. I used to try to teach. I used to do a lot of stuff that were just wasting my time and my head hurt from banging it against that brick wall. And yes, I also finally realized that I didn't respect him anymore and didn't even like him most days. But, weird thing about relationships, I still cared about him as a human and as the father of my 4 daughters...and because I had memories of good times, and those pesky marriage vows. But acceptance meant that I had to tend to me, not him. So I had at least one person, ME, taking care of me. I stopped trying to have a "regular relationship" with him. Now I take the good that I can find from him and I leave the crap for him.
Also, I would add that I used to drink because I thought I had so many problems....I later found out in sobriety, that my perception was warped and the alcohol was tricking me into thinking I had a lot of problems so that I could drink over them and also...the whole time that I was drinking, I did not acquire healthy coping skills for dealing with problems and that pattern just got worse and worse.
After a couple years sober I now exercise, talk to other sober people, cook, read...do all kinds of normal things that I never could do to relieve stress before. Normal drinkers can have 1 or 2 drinks to relax..(and it's not their only way to relax)..it is the alcoholics and addicts that have to drink many drinks to relax and or throw in drugs on top of that. Of course you will never get an alcoholic or addict to see how messed up they are until they have hit their own bottom.
OMG, I used to respond with just complete and utter frustration.
I could post IM conversations here that would twist your bonnet. No joke. Just ridiculous quack quack, as they call it, coming from my exabf.
I guess when you do the steps, you can eventually get to the pont of just, not engaging at all. Most of the crazy responses come from them when WE are trying to change their behavior.
They fly into defensive mode and don't even realize how ridiculous they're being, simply to defend their disease (to the death, unfortunately.)
When they say things like this, it's the disaease talking, to make sure the addict doesn't get clean. It works in almost textbook ways.
Otie wrote:
Loupiness just hit on something that has always made me want to pull my hair out.
Crazy talk from an A. It has been my inclination to respond with logic and respect--as if I were talking to any normal person---MY BAD! It is so frustrating that I, just like Loupiness, would become mute with no words to say back. Then, I feel like I am going crazy!!
I would love to hear how other people handle this kind of conversation?
That's the thing. My exabf seemed incapable of even SEEING that the drinking wasn't solving his problems, or alleviating his stress! Instead it was creating a whole set of NEW problems, like health problems, obesity, and (d-oh) the breakup of his relationship.
It's so illogical it makes your head spin.
This disease is cunning and baffling, to say the least, as they put it in AA.
pinkchip wrote:
Also, I would add that I used to drink because I thought I had so many problems....I later found out in sobriety, that my perception was warped and the alcohol was tricking me into thinking I had a lot of problems so that I could drink over them and also...the whole time that I was drinking, I did not acquire healthy coping skills for dealing with problems and that pattern just got worse and worse.
After a couple years sober I now exercise, talk to other sober people, cook, read...do all kinds of normal things that I never could do to relieve stress before. Normal drinkers can have 1 or 2 drinks to relax..(and it's not their only way to relax)..it is the alcoholics and addicts that have to drink many drinks to relax and or throw in drugs on top of that. Of course you will never get an alcoholic or addict to see how messed up they are until they have hit their own bottom.
) Otie.