The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm trying to use my program to handle a situation, but I'm having trouble seeing how to approach it.
The back story is that my exAH used to cancel trips at the last minute. We'd have some wonderful trip planned, like a week in Hawaii, and he'd get cold feet and cancel a day or two before. He'd say, "I just don't feel like it," or "It's just not the right time." On many occasions we lost a lot of money this way. He'd always say we were just postponing, but we never ended up taking those trips. Looking back on it, I think he didn't want to go in the first place, but he wasn't good at assertiveness, so he'd go along with it for the time being. Then as the trip approached, he'd get more and more stubborn. My guess is that he worried he wouldn't be able to drink enough when he didn't have control of his environment -- all his hiding places for bottles, etc. Needless to say, this whole pattern of canceling drove me crazy. We had endless talks, promises, etc. ... you can guess how that all worked.
Then we separated and I got involved with another addict who initially looked much healthier, but turned out not to be. Guess I wasn't either! But anyway, he did the same darn thing. The canceling trips at the last minute. So many times. Well, this was not a successful relationship.
The short of it is that I have a friend visiting, who has brought a friend of hers. We had planned to go on a trip together to a specific destination that has meaning for me. It's in a foreign country (which is not far away, as I'm in Europe -- it would be about a four-hour train ride). I wanted to go with someone because it's less fun and more stressful going to a foreign-speaking place with just my kid. So my friend said they agreed and I booked tickets for me and my son. But now they've arrived and they want to back out because they think the place might not be interesting. My friend says she would go but her other friend doesn't want to. So I either lose a lot of money or go alone (just what I was hoping to avoid), or some combination of both.
There are more complications, but that's the basics.
I am having a hard time keeping rational about this because it pushes all the buttons from the exAH and the addict boyfriend. I'm thinking poor-me thoughts and thoughts like "Why does every trip-canceler in the world cluster around me?" I'm having nightmares. And these visitors are still expecting me to put them up and take time off to show them around or something, and I'm devastated (but so far hiding it).
I'm trying to think things like Don't React and so on, but I'm so overwhelmed it's almost like PTSD, having this happen again. So I guess I'm hoping someone can suggest some program tools to handle this flashback feeling. And move forward in a healthier way.
I read the post with slogans and Al-anon sayings before I responded to this because I want to advise you, darnit. I am all about giving people the oppotunity to be accountable for their actions, if they prove there are uncapable than I don't anymore, especially if they're an A. I didn't hear you say that you soon to be guests are A's and I think you could always state you would be out money and it was part of your plan especially since you will be their free tour guide and putting them up in your house. If their answer after that is still a no, you do have choices and don't have to feel like the it is happening to me again victim. You can always take the trip with your child and or try to recruit another buddy to come along and postpone the other friends visit. I try to take all my decisions to my HP first and wait on an answer before moving forward. I have learned in a short time to flow with things better especially when I am reading my Al-anon books in the morning and spending some quiet time with God before my brain starts taking on things to spiral in my mind. I read in Hope for Today pg 87 "I don't want to waste a minute on self pity, worry, guilt, resentment, anger, or any character defect that may stand in the way of becoming the kind of person I want to be." I think Courage to Change today's reading can be of help to you too. I hope this helps!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Thank you, Flopadopilus. (I love your moniker!) No, my guests aren't A's, though I suspect one comes from a family that could benefit from some recovery. It's more that I'm so hyper-sensitive to behavior that reminds me of my A's that I can't see the "normal" way to react. It's bringing back all the times I had to do things alone because my A canceled or incapacitated himself at the last minute, and it's as if I don't have one more teeny, tiny, molecular-particle-size bit of patience for the behavior in my life ever again. But that's not helpful because life keeps throwing stuff our way.
Traveling on your own isn't so bad. In fact, you would actually be able to do exactly what you want to do, when you want to do it. You wouldn't be beholden to someone else's schedule. And you might meet some interesting people you wouldn't otherwise.
Mattie wrote:
I'm trying to use my program to handle a situation, but I'm having trouble seeing how to approach it.
The back story is that my exAH used to cancel trips at the last minute. We'd have some wonderful trip planned, like a week in Hawaii, and he'd get cold feet and cancel a day or two before. He'd say, "I just don't feel like it," or "It's just not the right time." On many occasions we lost a lot of money this way. He'd always say we were just postponing, but we never ended up taking those trips. Looking back on it, I think he didn't want to go in the first place, but he wasn't good at assertiveness, so he'd go along with it for the time being. Then as the trip approached, he'd get more and more stubborn. My guess is that he worried he wouldn't be able to drink enough when he didn't have control of his environment -- all his hiding places for bottles, etc. Needless to say, this whole pattern of canceling drove me crazy. We had endless talks, promises, etc. ... you can guess how that all worked.
Then we separated and I got involved with another addict who initially looked much healthier, but turned out not to be. Guess I wasn't either! But anyway, he did the same darn thing. The canceling trips at the last minute. So many times. Well, this was not a successful relationship.
The short of it is that I have a friend visiting, who has brought a friend of hers. We had planned to go on a trip together to a specific destination that has meaning for me. It's in a foreign country (which is not far away, as I'm in Europe -- it would be about a four-hour train ride). I wanted to go with someone because it's less fun and more stressful going to a foreign-speaking place with just my kid. So my friend said they agreed and I booked tickets for me and my son. But now they've arrived and they want to back out because they think the place might not be interesting. My friend says she would go but her other friend doesn't want to. So I either lose a lot of money or go alone (just what I was hoping to avoid), or some combination of both.
There are more complications, but that's the basics.
I am having a hard time keeping rational about this because it pushes all the buttons from the exAH and the addict boyfriend. I'm thinking poor-me thoughts and thoughts like "Why does every trip-canceler in the world cluster around me?" I'm having nightmares. And these visitors are still expecting me to put them up and take time off to show them around or something, and I'm devastated (but so far hiding it).
I'm trying to think things like Don't React and so on, but I'm so overwhelmed it's almost like PTSD, having this happen again. So I guess I'm hoping someone can suggest some program tools to handle this flashback feeling. And move forward in a healthier way.
Aloha Mattie...Try looking at it from another perspective...Mattie, Mattie's son and Mattie's Higher Power. You will have no distrubances and will get to do the trip with a companion that loves you unconditionally and always had.
I hope you do decide to go and have a good time. I don't like conflict but I see nothing wrong with being honest and telling your friend how this situation makes you feel. Otherwise it's likely to turn in to a big resentment.
Personally, I think the conduct of the visitors is really rude, with or w/o the past broken promises. Especially knowing you have already purchased the tickets. It appears very selfish. Would they be expecting to stay at your place even though you would be gone on this trip? Sheesh!!
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I, too, hope that you will decide to go and have a blast - despite whether anyone else follows through or not.
Oh my goodness, I understand this. The A's in my life have been FAMOUS for planning stuff and then backing out. I think that some of it was stuff that got planned while they were impaired, stuff that sounded good at the time but when they sobered up and thought about it, they just didn't want to do it. Who knows. Point is, if someone else backs out and I also decide to just stay home, I'm going to be sitting on the couch getting pissier and pissier (or sadder and sorrier for myself by the minute). May as well keep the plans and at least get out of the house. ;)
