The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm really struggling with myself. I've stopped blaming other people for the state of my life and can see how I've made choices right down the line that left me open to be hurt and emotionally battered, when other people would have walked away. I'm looking at my life and the state it's in and feel so much sadness and grief around how I've abandoned myself so much throughout my life. I have no idea how to relate to myself in a healthy loving way, I don't like myself that much, and can see really clearly how I've used other people's problems as a way of avoiding taking responsibility for myself. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a really huge mountain, a massive climb back up to "sanity" and I don't know where to even start. I don't know how to function without the drama and fighting, I have no idea how to feel peace and serenity as it feels like my mind has no clue what to do with that, at the moment it feels "boring". I'm sitting here at home with a million and one things that I could be doing and I feel frozen. I hold myself in such little value that I can't see the point in doing anything to take care of myself. It's so horrible to see the reality of this. I am terrified of myself and what's on the inside of me (my thoughts about myself). Before coming to recovery, I was numbed out and wasn't aware of the thoughts I had which are so self-hating. I've just taken my 7th step in al-anon and have become very aware now of my thought patterns and how hard I am on myself, and it really frightens me. I realise that the biggest battle I've been fighting for years has been with myself, and that when I was able to focus on other people's pain and drama I got a break from my own. I don't want to do that any more, my relationships have all been painful and lonely, I haven't met my needs and the other person hasn't been able to meet my needs. I've had enough of doing that. So now I'm sitting with myself and seeing the reality of the fact I have no clue how to relate to me. I'm trying to stay with myself but I feel like I'm going to explode. I think I'm actually addicted to fighting and if there's no fight I have to create one to ease the internal tension. I know I'm powerless over other people, but I feel powerless over my own insanity! Has anyone else felt like this?
You have come to a very important part of your recovery. It is obvious you have been using the tools and the Steps well. Your insightful awareness and Acceptance of what you have found within is going to serve you well!!
Seeing how we self sabotage is very powerful. I found making a gratitude and asset listing each day helped me to focus on the positive actions and things in my life. When I became distressed and wanted to use my old destructive tools of gossip or care taking to take the focus off myself I would instead go to my asset list and validate myself It is a process and you are doing well
I am speaking at a 4 th step meeting today and everything that you outlined is part of my first journey inward. These old destructive behaviors slowly lift with the help of HP and are replaced by:
compassion, empathy, kindness, love, understanding and most importantly an ability to validate myself
I kicked my last ex A (I hate to admit, but I married 3 of em) out last August. I was miserable with him, but turns out I was more miserable without him. I tried to talk him into working things out, made an ass of myself and a mess of the situation. I let him come over when ever he wanted and hang out and drank with him and let him spend the night. He did this once or twice a week, the other nights.... I don't know where he was or who he was with. I just didn't want to let go. I slowly sank into a very bad place mentally and emotionally. I finally saw that he wasn't coming back for longer than the occasional hook up, and I couldn't go on living that way. I lived several states away from my family, and in the time leading to the end of my marriage, I had isolated myself and had no friends where I lived. I put my house up for sale and headed home. I couldn't stay there, I know I never would have let go, and he would have continued to use me when he needed me. I am beaten and exhausted. Not to mention, I had pretty much quit functioning as a person. I rarely went to work, I used my mother's illness as an excuse (cancer). I rarely left the couch, let alone the house. I just don't have anything left. I hate to sound so dramatic, but I really don't think I can survive another one of these relationships. I'm 34 with no children (just 2 dogs) renting a bedroom off my sister. I have found a job here and am slowly trying to build a life for myself. I notice my sister's children watching me like they are either frightened or disgusted and it's all I can do to try and smile and tell them I'll be ok. I am a shell of the person I used to be. People tell me to get out and do things I enjoy. I can't think of anything I like, it's hard to remember a time I enjoyed anything. I am so grateful for my weekly Al-Anon group. I have been 6-7 times now. My first meeting they offered to answer any questions I might have. I told them I didn't want to know how to live with an A, I had that one down pat. I needed to learn how to live without one. In the weeks that have passed, I am learning to hope and believe again. Step 2 is where I'm stuck, I need to get a sponsor, but I'm just not ready. At first the weekly meeting was all I had to give, now I look forward to seeing these people, hearing their stories, seeing the look of recognition in their face when I speak about pain, and I see the serenity that is possible. I used to think of Al-Anon as people who enjoyed feeling sorry for themselves. I now see that these people share not because they enjoy their pain, but because they have found freedom from it. The veteran members are beautiful inspirations, and my fellow newbies are new friends that make me feel not alone.
I am so glad you are taking care of yourself. It sounds as if you hit your bottom. Things have to get bad before we'll take action. I'm hearing a lot of shame in your description, which sounds to me like a signal not that you should be ashamed of yourself, but that you want to find healthier ways of living. Nothing but good in that impulse! And moving out of the way of your ex sounds like a strong self-preservation instinct you have going for you.
We didn't get in a pickle overnight and we can't make our lives better overnight. It can be so discouraging that the changes take a while to bear fruit. I hope you can get a sponsor and keep going to meetings and visiting these boards and working your recovery. You deserve the best of care!
