The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm looking at I had all kinds of timelines and ideas about where I should be in that time.
I have not even dated since I left him.
I have not really been able to get stable, pay the bills employment. I've had some really awful jobs.
I am still living with roommates who are alcoholic. There are days when I don't believe I can stand one more minute of it.
I stll have my pets (although one of my cats died). Tkaing care of them is my new priority.
My health has improved tremendously and I have lost more than 60 lbs.
I have a sponsor and I struggle tremenodusly with the program. Most of it is about all the things I feel I am owed and how I really do not want to be in pain anymore.
I thought leaving the ex A would be the end of my problems. It was just the beginnhing of another phase of my life. I knew it was going to be diffiuclt but not how difficult.
I'm not able to be on line as much as I once was as its really a full time job to look for work and try to work out all my financial issues. I can beat myself up with the shoulds, why and why not. The irony is that just to keep a roof over my head I have to work really long hours and some days I do not feel I am getting very far.
4 years on I thought I would be in a much different place. I am in one area of my life. I am healthy for probably one of the frist times in my life. Mentally I would say I stumble, crash and career around tremendously. I have a huge amount of rage at the ex A, his family and the whole sorry group that was around when the ex A was acting out. I know I have to work it through but some reason I like carrying around that kind of baggage.
Back to the task of trying to get to financial solvency. Who knows how long it will take. What is different is that some days I am able to do the footwork without feeling completely sumberged in anger and rage.
Maresie.
For the record I do not have any contact with the ex A. I make a point of not knowing. I don't rage and rally about where he took me but I still feel a lot of bitterness and anger about all his legacy he dumped on me.
I'm delighted to hear from you. I think it is awesome that you lost 60Ibs, well done you. Sorry to hear about one of your cats. I really feel you have progressed so much from the constant fearful place you were in.
Sometimes we can't see what progress we've made. I'm only 3 months from the breakup with my exabf and it still feels very fresh and painful. My last contact with him was less than a month ago. That's when I finally laid down the law that I do not want to hear from him until and unless he gets sober. It's hard when you lay down an ultimatum and someone says "ok bye." I'm still trying to get over just the "feeling rejected" part before I can get to the "begin recovering" part. I know the fact that I was even ABLE to lay down an ultimatum this time, is a big accomplishment so I need to give myself props for that. Walking away isn't easy. Even when we have gone through so much trauma. You'd think it'd be easy to leave, for our own good. OFten, it is not. And things may be more peaceful when we leave, but then we're stuck in our own head. I know I think abot him a lot. Not worrying what he's doing cuz I know I need to let that go..but replaying my behavior in my head. Why did I say this? Why did I say that? I know I said and did a lot of things I am not proud of. That probably hurts the most right now.
I don't know where I will be 4 yrs on but I would say, I know it has to be better than where I'd be, had I stayed with my ex.
I don't think that much about where or what the ex A may be doing now. I do think a lot about how the incredible snowball of his addiiction just took over our lives.
Its actually quite hard for me to write that I've achieved anything. I downplay my health issues which is of course why they went to the point of death so many times. When I was with the ex A I allowed my health to tumult down so far.
Of course I want it all right now. I want the home, the boyfriend (who in my mind is an absolutely fictional figure (guess that's where I got stuck with the ex A) the job, the peace of mind.
I have the health and the pets (who I adore) I have a program, a sponsor and I beat myself to pieces that I don't have more day in and day out.
Sometimes, just waking up and writing down what we're grateful for, or making a list of the things we've accomplished can be helpful.
maresie wrote:
Its actually quite hard for me to write that I've achieved anything. I downplay my health issues which is of course why they went to the point of death so many times. When I was with the ex A I allowed my health to tumult down so far.
Of course I want it all right now. I want the home, the boyfriend (who in my mind is an absolutely fictional figure (guess that's where I got stuck with the ex A) the job, the peace of mind.
I have the health and the pets (who I adore) I have a program, a sponsor and I beat myself to pieces that I don't have more day in and day out.
Maresie.
-- Edited by drummerchick423 on Saturday 9th of April 2011 06:00:44 PM
Thanks for the update and reflection You have come far and having lost 60 pounds in the process you have indeed worked hard. Glad your health is better than at any time in your life and that your pets are doing well and are your new priority.
I will be speaking at a meeting tomorrow and was just reflecting on my life since entering program over 30 years age. I believe I could say exactly what you have. I am certainly not where I thought I would be when I started this journey. HP has been with me every step of the way but my life has not been easy. I have had pain and loss and joy and happiness . With this program, the meetings, the steps I have been able to face life on life's term with courage, serenity and wisdom. That is a great gift and I am hearing the same courage, serenity and wisdom from you
I'm sorry to hear that many parts of your life are so challenging. I think the difference between being caught up in dealing with alcoholism and being in recovery is that we're tackling the right thing -- our own life -- the thing that is our responsibility and that we can have some control over. My experience is that it's hard to face life sometimes, but the price of trying to avoid it is worse.
It sounds as if your alcoholic roommates are the cause of a lot of stress. With the job situation, it sounds as if you don't have all the choices you might wish about where to live. I hope that changes soon. You deserve a peaceful living situation!
Sometimes we make great strides, sometimes it's just a time to hang on. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
I am going for an interview tomorrow. I am hoping the job situation will turn around. One reason I stuck with the ex A was that I was aware of the great challenges I had in front of me. Somedays the challenges of dealing with his mess seemed easier than facing what I had to face. I also found it incredibly hard to let go.
I think the job situation is often far more stressful than the roommates. There are days when I have felt absolutely hopeless about both. There are also days when I can appreciate life and I don't know that I ever really did that before.
One of the issues that used to cause me a great deal a lot of stress is now a blessing. I took on the dogs because the ex A absolutely abandoned them, much as he abandoned everything. They are elderly now as is my cat. I won't have them for ever but I cherish every single day with them. There were days before this when I resented all the time and energy and money they cost me. Perhaps I will be able to turn around other obstacles in the same way.
HP has been with me every step of the way but my life has not been easy. I have had pain and loss and joy and happiness . With this program, the meetings, the steps I have been able to face life on life's term with courage, serenity and wisdom. That is a great gift and I am hearing the same courage, serenity and wisdom from you