Do I stay or do I go. - Al-Anon Family Group

searching4peace · Veteran Member

Do I stay or do I go.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

searching for Peace,

I have been there, Im sure most of us have..

Sounds like your AH is progressing as only an active alcoholic can. When they are active, everything disinigrates, mostly the relationship
suffers. As you know already only you can make this important decision. I hope you didnt buy into that stuff about the "kids and you and the house make
him drink. " They never seem to accept responsibility for their disease. Easier to blame their environment and point the finger at everyone and everything else, even
if it means hurting their loved ones.

I really encourage you to focus on yourself and your program. Get a sponsor if you dont have one, read your Alanon material, go to as many meetings or come here
as many times as it takes, till your feeling stronger and surer about the decisions you make.

As sick as they get, the stronger and more serene we need to be. When going thru our crises or emotional times, we need to rely on our practice of Alanon and our
HP...

Best to you, hugs, Bettina

drummerchick423 · Senior Member

I broke up with my exabf 3 months ago, after 3.5 yrs off and on. I'd break up with him because of some drinking-related incident or behavior, then a few months later I'd be feeling lonely or missing him so much (the good things about him), and we'd get back together.

When you're with an alcoholic, they're never 100 percent present. You're always taking 2nd place to the drinking. My exabf was "functional". I can't even imagine being with someone who wasn't...I'd be insane by now...being with a "functional" alcoholic was bad enough. I was put in some seriously CRAZY situations--of course, I fully realize it was my choice to be there and tolerate all of it. That whole time, he always blamed something else for his drinking. In the beginning, it was because he lived in a house he hated. Never mind that he could've saved TONS of money by NOT going to the bar, and that would've helped him move out a lot quicker.

Last year on his birthday, he got drunk and subjected me to a 4-hour long tirade from 2am to about 6am before he finally left my house in a huff, carting away all his stuff that he kept at my place at the time. It was all over nothing. He was apologetic the next day, which was the day I had planned a party for his birthday that I ended up not showing up to, because I was too traumatized from the night before--being called the c word and having things thrown at me, and being laughed at while I was crying...

Yeah, the insanity of their behavior while drinking knows no limits. My bottom was listening to him put his gun in his mouth and cock it while on the phone with me, after a night at the bar. I went to his house the next day and he REEKED of booze. Of course, all of that was my fault because he and I had officially broken up back over Christmas.

In all honesty, he had cut down on his drinking in the couple of months before that, but an alcoholic friend of his had moved into town and the first night he arrived, my ex went to a bar with him, his first night back in town, and didn't tell me about it til after they got back late that night. I just knew where that was heading, so I started a fight with him that prompted him to break up with me. He says the breakup is what led him to go on this big bender with his friend. I just know, tho, that he would've gone back to binge drinking anyway-he always does. Had we not broken up, nothing would've been different, I just know it. Cuz he's not in a program, doesn't see his problem, and has no interest in sobriety.

Anyway, I finally decided I can't be put in those situations anymore. It is damaging ot my soul. The last month or so I feel I've been suffering from PTSD. I work for myself and it has been very hard to function or do anything. It's like my head is in some weird fog. I cry all the time. I think it's going to take me a long time to recover. Hopefully, with the help of al-anon and therapy I CAN recover. I dunno. I now have trust issues..I feel broken. I wish I hadn't stayed as long as I did. I personally do not beleive a relationship with an active alcoholic can lead to anything but pain and trauma. Everyone needs to walk away when THEY'RE ready tho. You will know when you're ready. Til then, I think meetings are crucial.

searching4peace wrote:

I'm waffling. I know this is a decision only I can make. And it's not one to be made lightly or in the heat of the moment. I am seriously considering leaving. I plan of spending the next week considering prayerful all the options in front of me and asking my HP for guidance as I make this decision. I also am reminding myself that choosing to stay for now does not mean choosing to stay for ever. One day at a time. But I am so very close to calling it done.
And my bottom line?
Last night my AH said that this house, meaning the kids and I and all the goings on here not the actual building, drive him to drink. I was so stunned and hurt that I started to cry. There was no concern or compassion. It didn't phase him at all to see his wife in distress. His only comment was, "Don't give me that bull'xxxx'." and later, "What's your problem?".
That's really where we stand. I am finally seeing just how onesided this relationship is. He doesn't return any affection or support. It is all about him and what he wants and what he needs. And it is always going to be like that as long as he is actively drinking. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I can change my actions all I want. It's not going to change HIM. So I am seriously considering all aspects of this. Do I want to live with his toxic attitude and behaviour anylonger?

-- Edited by canadianguy on Saturday 9th of April 2011 11:28:59 AM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

When we live in such horrible conditions for so long, we forget that most people don't live like that.

Some people live with no yelling, or saying hurtful things to each other. They fight or bump heads normally, attacking the problem or obstacle, not the other person. That weeks and months can go by mellow and very nice.

Living in an atmosphere of love, caring and doing things together, working together is possible.

When I was with A, nothing was colorful, or sweet or interesting. It was horrible. When I was on my own again it took awhile, but now I have happy friends again, I am happy. I have wonder about things, I love plants and animals and doing nothing.

My family of friends are happy people who look to solve things, not gripe. People laugh and smile. I don't have anyone hurting me.

Kids become more secure, happier, they start to bloom. They don't hold everything in anymore. They feel loved, and precious as it should be.

Your kids would see a happy mom. No its not easy but I tell ya the hard stuff we learn thru with out the A is a lot nicer than the hard stuff with an A. That is my experience.

And now, thru some ups and downs, I am finally after 8+ years am finally leaving the home AH and I got together, sold his truck, not taking things he gave me. In fact sold some stuff.

You will know when you are ready. And you will make it ok. GREAT to be looking at your options. You will be surprised how many you have.

I am always here for you. love,debilyn

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