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Sometimes you just feel so broken. You give EVERYTHING to something that falls apart and find yourself standing in the ruins trying to understand what went wrong.
Functional Alcoholic. I think that is why so many of us end up in the mess we are in because at first we think the problems are normal couple problems. We change the way we do things hoping for a better outcome, make things easier for them because they cant handle things hard, take on more to ease their load, etc. we do everything we can think of and STILL it falls apart and to the bitter end we are still trying to shore up the crumbling walls.
When my daughter was younger I dated a man who at first was a lot of fun, but his alcohol problem binge drinking every 2nd or 3rd day as soon as work ended quickly destroyed the good in the relationship. I told my daughter I thought he was an alcoholic and her reply was: He doesnt look like an alcoholic. I think we tend to think of alcoholics in terms of the homeless guys begging on the streets for change so they can go buy some sterno; unwashed, scraggly, filthy clothes, bad teeth you know, THAT guy.
But they arent all that way most arent Id say, from what I read here you wouldnt be able to pick them from a line-up as alcoholics. They are functional maybe because they do understand the equation: work = money = drink; no work = no money = no drink. Mine doesnt LOOK like an alcoholic. He doesnt drink till work is over loves weekends, ha, imagine that? Unemployment was hard for the obvious reasons: ego busted over losing job/not finding another = depression = drink to feel better = deeper depression + anger.
Maybe they are functional also because keeping up appearances is pretty important in our society cant let the neighbors know (like they didnt hear the screaming????), have to keep everybody thinking we are a great guy/gal. Keeping up appearances to friends and strangers is SO much more important than keeping promises to loved one - argh!
Hello, My name is Ann and Im a Functional Co-Dependant. (sometimes I crack me up!)
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I understand perfectly. For years I described my wife in that very term. But the American Medical Association's definition of alcoholism is as follows:
Alcoholism is a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial factors. The disease is progressive and often fatal. It is characterized by continuous or peridoic impairment and control over drinking, the preoccupation with the drug alcohol, distorted thinking, most notably...denial.
The bottom line for me now is, you can't be a little bit pregnant. You either are or your not. Alcoholism is no different. I can refer to an alcoholic as fun loving, functioning, a binger, or one who controls their drinking, etc........but when I shuck it all out I have to go along with the AMC.......they don't seperate one from the other......their definition plainly puts all alcoholic's in the same catagory.
Because alcoholism IS progressive, eventually every alcoholic will be DYSfunctional. Will start suffering serious health problems. Will probably be unable to keep a job. Will possibly end up homeless, penniless, and left with no one around to pick up the pieces. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and is FATAL. No one should minimize the seriousness of it by rationalizing that an alcoholic is "functional."
I honestly think there is no such thing as a functional alcoholic. My exabf could keep a job. He could function quite well in front of his family and drink in moderation in front of them. He could go a couple months without binge drinking. I look at it as stages. My exabf was hardly functional. Do you call, putting a gun in your mouth while on the phone with your gf, and threatening to commit suicide "functional"??? I DONT.
My ex was simply in the early to mid stages of his disease. Hardly "functional."
-- Edited by drummerchick423 on Saturday 9th of April 2011 01:02:51 PM
I guess if functioning alcoholic means they managed to keep a job..mine did it for 25 yrs. (until it almost killed him). In the interrum there was nothing functional in most aspects of our lives.
I get what you mean though. Little by little we change how things are done and even said. All the while attempting to explain it away in our minds. Until we don't.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I've often used the term "functional alcoholic" to describe my parents, because they managed to hold all the outward stuff together pretty well despite the alcoholism.
They really suffered no negative external consequences from the disease. Both held down jobs until retirement, managed to accumulate substantial wealth, no criminal involvement, no DUIs. Their relationship with their daughter [me] certainly suffered, but they could easily blame that on my personality and shortcomings.
The absence of consequences just allowed them to maintain thier denial. Even when my mother's liver started failing and she was dying, my father never said the word "alcoholic".
I dunno. Maybe "consequenceless alcoholism" would be more accurate. I just wanted a way to describe how they carried on amazingly well despite the alcoholism.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
When I stand back and look at the whole picture and when I got my clients to do the same thing we would mutually agree, "there is no such thing as a functional alcoholic". There are many parts of the picture which are overlooked and/or denied and of course there is the alcoholic rationalisations. "Problem or No problem" depends upon who's perspective. This will be a very long lasting discussion. It has already come a long way and then if it brings us together where we can support and unconditionally love each other and help each other to peace of mind and serenity I welcome it. (((hugs)))
Sometimes you just feel so broken. You give EVERYTHING to something that falls apart and find yourself standing in the ruins trying to understand what went wrong.
Functional Alcoholic. I think that is why so many of us end up in the mess we are in because at first we think the problems are normal couple problems. We change the way we do things hoping for a better outcome, make things easier for them because they cant handle things hard, take on more to ease their load, etc. we do everything we can think of and STILL it falls apart and to the bitter end we are still trying to shore up the crumbling walls.
Hi Ann
Thanks for the insightful share. I agree this disease just seems to sneak up on us without warning!!!. In the beginning we are so busy trying to adjust and find the right formul to make the marriage work that we neglect to really focus on reality and accept what is truly going on. The walls are crumbling around us, children are now in the picture and addressing this monster in the home is very frightening.By the time we find alanon we have hit our bottom and are willing to try a new solution
This is so true. Also, I was used to asking the person what was going on and getting a more or less accurate reply. I wasn't used to the degree of secrecy and denial that's common with alcoholism. So when he said, "No, nothing's wrong, it's just your imagination," I turned my attention to figuring out why I was so paranoid, instead of watching whether his walk and his talk matched.
I used to feel bad because I had missed the fact that my exAH was an alcoholic for so long. But when we separated, I began to forgive myself, because I saw how efficiently he hides it. The outside world would never know. You'd have to live with him to see what was really going on behind the scenes. Looking back, I remember a couple of cues in the very beginning -- like he would talk a lot about bars and drinking, and I wondered why he was so obsessed with those topics. But he didn't seem to be going to bars or drinking very much, so I let it go. I didn't find out the real extent of the bars and the drinking for years. This time around, if someone talked about bars and drinking every day, I'd keep my distance without even needing to know more.
Phew, you're not kidding. I wasted quite a bit of time trying to explain to my exabf's parents the extent of his drinking problem. They didn't want to face it.
My ex talked about alcohol all the time. when it was somebody's birthday, or he needed to get someone a present, 9 tims out of 10, it was a bottle of some spirits. He even gave his friend who he KNEW was a stumble, fall-down alcoholic, a bottle of whiskey for his birthday.
There was always some kind of drink he was "into." For a while, it was bloody marys. Then it was mind erasers. I could watch him consume more mind erasers than anyone else at the bar, then pick up a 12 pack of beer to take home and drink it all pretty much himself. He would want to make blood marys at home, or sometimes go out for breakfast to get a bloody mary.
The ex was also always trying to get other people to drink more than they wanted. He did this with me one time. Kept bringing me back drinks from the bar, full well knowing that I barely drink. I can nurse 1 drink all night and prefer to do that than get to the point where Iknow I'm going to feel not so great in the morning.
Yup-red flag. If someone seems to be even the slightest bit obsessed with alcohol or bars, RUN.
Mattie wrote:
This is so true. Also, I was used to asking the person what was going on and getting a more or less accurate reply. I wasn't used to the degree of secrecy and denial that's common with alcoholism. So when he said, "No, nothing's wrong, it's just your imagination," I turned my attention to figuring out why I was so paranoid, instead of watching whether his walk and his talk matched.
I used to feel bad because I had missed the fact that my exAH was an alcoholic for so long. But when we separated, I began to forgive myself, because I saw how efficiently he hides it. The outside world would never know. You'd have to live with him to see what was really going on behind the scenes. Looking back, I remember a couple of cues in the very beginning -- like he would talk a lot about bars and drinking, and I wondered why he was so obsessed with those topics. But he didn't seem to be going to bars or drinking very much, so I let it go. I didn't find out the real extent of the bars and the drinking for years. This time around, if someone talked about bars and drinking every day, I'd keep my distance without even needing to know more.
i have been clueless and very naive all these years about alcoholism, defining somebody as a functional alcoholic seems almost "normal, its is subtle for sure. i agree with the other members fucntional or not he is still an alcoholic. he is sick. i also agree when we reach the bottom we turned to al-anon and thank God there is a place like al-anon because it works, so let's hope we will all heal from these experiences and become stronger from it and protect our children from further damage.
OMG....This is exactly my ABF. He claims is a "functional" A. I also think there is no such thing. How can you be functional when you need a drug in order to be "normal"? I also started with a guy who was a lot of fun on the weekends; we went out, we danced, we drank, we had a good time. I didn't realize how chronic it was until I found him drinking as soon as he got up in the morning a few days in a row. He would pour some vodka in a cup with some water and drink it down. Ugh! It makes me sick to my stomach. He is currently in California to finish his DUI classes and I am in Boston. He hit rock bottom out there and is trying to recover. I am going to have a serious conversation with him when he comes back to Boston. I am going through my healing process and don't want to be set back. I have talked to his AA sponsor of 19 years a few times and he has told me to just sit back and let him come to me. He also tells me to just enjoy the show because it's a mess. He could finish my sentences about what was happening before I even needed to say anything. I can't go through this past week again.
Are we really "functional" when dealing with our AHs, ABFs, etc??
