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I went out with the girls tonight. Very rare for me, but it was nice....I called my husband early in the day to make sure he'd be home...He said he would........Well, he didn't come home on time...My mother came over to watch our child which was wonderful of her. Husband left me a voicemail that I didn't listen to untilI was on my way home...He said our child is the most important thing in his life.....I came home, just wanted to go to bed, and he came out telling me that sometimes he has to work late, which is true, and that as long as our child doesn't know the difference of whether he is at work or at the bar....it shouldn't matter. I just looked at him....stunned by the words coming out of his mouth. Is his mind really that screwed up that he doesn't see what he is doing?
I've been in alanon a couple of months and have been doing great at minding my own business and dealing with my own life, but this one left me baffled. If I am not at work or school, I want to be home with my child. I'm a parent.......it was my choice to have her. I love it, and want her to have the best. He just justifies the bad behavior. I didn't realize how sick he really was until tonight...
In my experience, words from an addict/alcoholic mean nothing. What matters is their actions.
My ex used to say all kinds of things that seemed to indicate he was going to lead a healthier lifestyle. None of it mattered or resulted in any changes whatsoever. I was with him off and on for 3.5 years before we broke up a few months ago for good.
Steph444 wrote:
I went out with the girls tonight. Very rare for me, but it was nice....I called my husband early in the day to make sure he'd be home...He said he would........Well, he didn't come home on time...My mother came over to watch our child which was wonderful of her. Husband left me a voicemail that I didn't listen to untilI was on my way home...He said our child is the most important thing in his life.....I came home, just wanted to go to bed, and he came out telling me that sometimes he has to work late, which is true, and that as long as our child doesn't know the difference of whether he is at work or at the bar....it shouldn't matter. I just looked at him....stunned by the words coming out of his mouth. Is his mind really that screwed up that he doesn't see what he is doing?
I've been in alanon a couple of months and have been doing great at minding my own business and dealing with my own life, but this one left me baffled. If I am not at work or school, I want to be home with my child. I'm a parent.......it was my choice to have her. I love it, and want her to have the best. He just justifies the bad behavior. I didn't realize how sick he really was until tonight...
yes their minds are that screwed up that is part of the illness they do not think logically this disease affects their minds. We also get screwed up brains by trying to apply logic to their thinking. After a while I really tried to see a label o my partners head saying sick when he was coming out with some of his crazy stuff, i told myself he had a mental illness it made it easier for me to comprehend. When he got sober things did improve a little but he is still in early recovery the last couple of weeks he had started talking a bit irrational again and then admitted he felt like a drink. The alcohol is only a symptom of a very serious disease. My partner has told me since getting sober how guilty he feels about some of the things he has done to the kids, he has always loved them but he is not well he is trying to make his amnds to deal with theguilt. we expect our A.s to be a good parent to put the childs needs first, we expect them to be a supportive partner (I am still battling with this one) but as they say it is like going to the hardwear store for bread if they are still actively drinking. When the awreness of the reality begins to hit with what i was living with I started to tur to al anon for support. take care of you hugs
Sounds like insanity to me. It also sounds like you did a great job of not responding - which, from your meetings you already know that there is no point trying to reason or argue with insanity. You just can't win.
You can certainly change what you can, though - which you did, by arranging alternate childcare so that you could keep your plans.
Good for you for working it like you are. I hope you had a fun evening out!
Sadly to say that if he doesn't choose recovery and continues to drink for years, the comments and behaviors get more bizarre.
You're taking care of yourself and daughter by attending meetings. Therefore, you will find your own path of serenity for you and your daughter. I didn't attend meetings throughout my marriage and that choice resulted in me committing some insane acts, too.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Saturday 9th of April 2011 08:53:44 AM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Yeah, as White Rabbit says - well done for having a night out with the girls. It is doing those sorts of things which keep me going. But don't rely on your A for childcare. As are totally unreliable and twist logic so it suits themselves. They probably really believe what they are saying. They only think about themselves and where the next drink/fix is coming from. So please, see your friends, go out and have a good time but don't rely on him for childcare.
Hey thanks everyone. Yep....Lesson learned on the child care issue. I won't be doing that again. lol. I still am shaking my head at his logic. To think that it doesn't matter whether hes at work or at the bar....that it doesn't matter. To him it's the same. Okay, I'm over this now. I just know that I love being with my daughter and I plan to get her out of this mess before she's old enough to be affected by his sickness. I am getting better by the day. And yes, it was a great night out with the girls. We don't do it often enough. Have a great day everyone....
Sometimes we can make ourselves crazy when we try to make "sense out of nonsense"....
My sponsor used to remind me when communicating with my then-active AW, to imagine her with a large "SSS" tattoo'd on her forehead, that stands for "sick, sick, sick".... Sounds like that stamp is on your hubby's head, at the moment
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Any twisted line of reasoning which will allow the continuation of drinking and not having to grow up. That was my M.O. for YEARS. Sorry you have to go through hearing that load of crap Steph. Good thing you are wise to it. The obvious flaw in his reasoning is that your daughter knows the difference between him being at home and not being at home so being at the bar and pretending he's at work is only making an excuse for not spending available time with his child in favor of spending time drinking.
