Insanity/blaming/lying/lack of emotions - Al-Anon Family Group

Stillalive2dream · Member

Insanity/blaming/lying/lack of emotions

ythannah · Senior Member

That's a familiar story around here, StillAlive.

Testimony to the power and total insanity of the disease, for sure. It takes care of itself first; everything else is secondary.

I think the height of insanity with my previous ABF was one night that I had picked him up from his home and he had just had some sort of argument with a guy who was visiting the neighbour. The guy's bike was lying in the street, and the XABF was yelling at me to run it over. When I refused, he got angry with me, saying I was disloyal for not taking revenge on someone who had "disrespected" him -- nuts!

Me, despite my best intentions, I just kept finding more alcoholics to fall in love with and get involved with. Something deep within me that put a big neon "Pick Me!" sign on my forehead that was only visible to alcoholics.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I relate to this. I've totally participated in the crazy-making, way too many times to count. I even thought that stuff was normal for a while, because it happened so often. I didn't know that I had choices - meaning that I did not have to accept unacceptable behavior. Part of this, for me, was taking a good hard look at reality and separating reality from the fantasy of what "could be" in my head. Things are what they are. That is reality - reality is not an image of pefection that will happen if only he would stop drinking (or if only ______). If I don't like things exactly the way they are right now, I have choices.

I swore I wouldn't have any more relationships with addicts, too - but every single one of my relationships has been with an addict. I guess I, too, suffer from a broken picker. However, I really wouldn't trade it now. I'm 3 years in recovery, and although I have a lot to learn, I don't give anyone else my power anymore. I don't make anyone else my HP, and I don't live and die by any other human being's words or actions. Just changing me has been the improvement in my life.

Remember ... you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to, and you don't have to accept blame someone else tries to heap on you. Leave the negative emotions with the other person and realize that they truly aren't personal.

Yes, many of the active alcoholics I know are good at deflection and blame, and don't appear to care about anyone else. These people are sick - I don't think it's that they don't care about anyone else, I think it's more that they CAN'T care because they feel so badly about themselves. Active alcoholics are very very different than the beautiful, caring people I know who are alcoholics in recovery.

Hang in - keep coming back!

parfait624 · Veteran Member

I think the blaming is typical as well. My exabf is perfect for six months at a time. We also have been on again off again for four years. Then something snaps (although he is sober he is addicted to pot and gambling still). My exabf was so nasty to me. He would tell me things like he was going to leave me. That he wanted to go out there and find someone he could spend his life with and that wasn't me. That I was a bad person because I didn't want him to work on himself. I started lying in fear of losing him. Now we are going to have a talk after two months off. I guess the lesson learned is there are resources that can teach you how to manage if you decide to be with an addict. You have to be willing to not let the diesese take control of the partnership, not to feed into it. Also the addict has to be willing to work on himself. It's a lot of comprimise and takes a lot of strength. Good luck to you.

drummerchick423 · Senior Member

Addicts and alcoholics lie. Whether it's about exgirlfriends, or what happened at the bar the night before...it can be impossible to trust them. My ex had a little rendezvous with his ex behind my back--he swears he didn't cheat--but I do know he kept in touch with her despite me asking him not to, and he lied and told me he hadn't. I found out later about the lies.

When I look back, it seemed like half the time in our relationship I was mad at him. Mad about him violating my boundaries. Mad at him for being dishonest. I loved him, but addiction/alcoholism pretty much ensures they HAVE to lie and disrespect us.

As for the blame thing, I think with my exabf, maybe somewhere, deep inside, he knows that the fights and arguments over drinking were because I cared about him. Your ex might feel the same but just not want to face it, cuz if he had to face it, he couldn't be in denial anymore.

Stillalive2dream wrote:

Wow. Where do I start? Me and my exabf have been broke up for several months now. We were together for 3 years. I went through a lot when we were together due to his addiction. Well he cheated on me with his ex-gf who happened to be as he said just "his friend and his pill hook-up". Well I caught him red-handed asking her out when we were still together and he actually said to her I just got rid of my crazy ex. Well I lost it. I confronted him. Of course, he said he was just joking. Then he admitted it and said I was crazy and he was done with me and didn't love me anymore. Then I started crying and he just started laughing telling me to get over it and that I had serious problems. WTF?
I'm glad I realized how little the majority of addicts/alcoholic actually care about others and their feelings. They are truly a different breed. I will never date someone that has a alcohol/addiction problem ever again. In the end you are left being blamed for everything and they are the perfect one. Never again.

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