Angry at a puppy and not liking myself for it. - Al-Anon Family Group

mjhyankees · Senior Member

Angry at a puppy and not liking myself for it.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This puppy was not your choice, and you have a lot on your plate even without coping with a puppy. A puppy is not quick or simple to train. I'm an animal lover without question, but if I were in your shoes (and I'm not saying that this action is right for you), I would take the puppy back or to the local no-kill animal shelter. Puppies are in high demand and re-homed much more easily than adult dogs. And a puppy/dog is a major responsibility for the next twelve or fifteen years. I do animal rescue and my son has seen several animals come through our house and move on to good homes (while our permanent pets stay). So he has learned to understand that some animals are ours and some are just with us for a while.

I would think that a yelling and unhappy person in the house just adds to the difficulty. It seems to be a syndrome with many (all?) of us that the person inside the situation is saying, "Why am I letting this (very stressful) situation bother me?" while people outside the situation might be saying, "Why does this situation bother this person so little?"

Just my thoughts -- take what you like and leave the rest.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Our alcoholics are going to do what they are going to do. Acceptance is important in our day to day dealings. We can't change them. We can only make the changes in ourselves that will make our life better and less unmanagleable. In many ways dealing with a dog is no different.

RLC

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

MJ, yes animals are a big responsibility,

Im a cat lover, not that I dont like dogs, but dogs always represented more care. When I had my stroke 4 years ago, I saw my shitzu(Luca) in the window of a
pet store and he was so healing after the stroke, I had to have him, even he has been a lot of work.

Then my Mom asked me to find her a dog, I bought her this beautiful little white dog and she loved her, (Trina), but my Mom got sick at the time and
I took the dog for her till she got better, well, my Mom is too elderly to take care of her. So I have had her for 3 years. A responsibility I really didnt want
to undertake, but did. Of course I love her now.

Like people, animals come into our life also for a reason, there is something you are not willing to give that needs giving....and your resentment is growing.
Like the one you have for your wife. I recognize it because I had it too. Resentment is not good for us, it festers and grows and becomes more resentment.
MJ, take the puppy and your shitzu for a walk...walking is good.

Also, even a Yorkie needs to be walked, every day, twice a day, even a short walk, this is how they learn to not go in the house.

Before I had the condo and a yard, I would just take them outside to go, but they went in the house a lot.

Now I live in an apartment, I walk them like clockwork and they dont go inside at all.

There are solutions, we just have to look for the best ones for ourself.

Hugs, Bettina

ythannah · Senior Member

I love my two dogs dearly, but the younger one (she's 2.5 now) was a housebreaking nightmare. She wasn't fully trained until she was about 14 months. It was extremely frustrating and there were times that I yelled, slammed doors, had little temper tantrums -- then immediately felt like the meanest person on earth. So I feel your pain. My girl's lucky she's so cute. biggrin

Nor was she the most affectionate dog. Most of the time when you went to pet her she would start gnawing on you. Her idea of showing you attention was to nip you.

And I wanted her. I chose her from the litter. You're saddled with the bulk of the work with a puppy you didn't want in the first place.

I was so busy focusing on what she did wrong, I completely overlooked the gains she was making. Until one day I was loading the dishwasher and she poked her head in like always. I said "Get your nose out of there" like I always do, and she actually obeyed. For once, I noticed -- and realized, "Hey, she's finally getting it!"

Now her favourite place is sitting beside me, waiting for affection. If I take too long to pet her, she'll lay her head in my lap and look up at me soulfully -- works every time. She's got me trained, lol.

Sometimes it seems like they're never going to get it. Those are the times you just have to concentrate on how cute they are, and it might be only when they're sleeping, lol. But when you look for the gains, you'll see them.

mjhyankees · Senior Member

I'm trying so hard to see the good in this......but at the moment whatever good is there feels overshadowed by the negative.

tweety23 · Veteran Member

i found this download a lifesaver with our puppy. sorry you have to deal with this :(

http://www.siriuspup.com/beforebook.html

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

dear man, my view is it has NOTHING to do with the dog.

I see you are mad at the situation your wife put you in. Mad at the not being responsible, not talking to you first, expects you to do your part etc.

I know from experience this dog is turning into a nervous wreck. Its not your fault but it is being neglected. More emotionally than anything. Dogs are a pack animal. All he feels is anger from his pack.

Puppies are babies. You wouldn't shut a baby in a bathroom. Its its nature to want to play with the other dog. Its its nature to chew everything, its teething.

Going by what you shared, this dog is going to end up insecure and a biter. All the behaviors you shared is a puppy with no boundaries, they learn boundaries from their caretaker. This babies caretaker pushes it away.

I KNOW about animals. My puppies slept on my chest. They rarely if ever pottied in the house. We NEVER discipline them. What ever they do is their nature. The key is to train them, our job. The newspaper thing was nothing but abuse to the puppie. I know you didn't mean it that way, but all it did was scare him. A dog has no idea what you were doing.

When a dog is diciplined spell? in the wild, the alpha will put his mouth on the dogs neck, lay the dog own and step on his neck or hold him down with her mouth.

we have to teach an animal how they understand.

BUT like i said, the situation is not the dog. Its the dynamics of your family.(that you are doing your best with love to keep together!)

If it were up to me, I would call Yorkie rescue and let them give him a home where he is treasured and everything he does is cute. Where he is rarely put down becuz everyone wants to hold him. I hope you will accept my life experience and do what it right for this dear creature.

You my friend are NOT at fault for this. sometimes we have to be the bigger person and set things right.

love,debilyn

mjhyankees · Senior Member

Tweety thanks but that only heightens my anxiety because I"m not home enough to follow through on all this. If my wife had waited to summer when I was off I could do it all (that's how I trained the shih tzu).

Deb, my wife admitted that she got the puppy as revenge for me getting my tv (the first time I'd bought anything for ME in years and even then I discussed it with her and even had her approval at one piont.). I'm concerned if I bring this puppy back - which will bother my daughter too - that my wife would find some other way to extract "revenge" like give away the shih tzu or something.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the point of the matter is that this is yet another thing I'd be taking care of for the A because the A won't take care of it themself.

The puppy sounds like an unfortunate tool that's being utilized as a power-play in your family. The wife knew it would upset you. The wife also knows she can hobble you with your fear - fear of an argument, fear of upsetting your daughter, fear of losing other things valuable to you.

This is what things looked like with my exAH and I. I would often find myself doing stuff I really didn't want to do because I was always scared of upsetting him and having to deal with his anger. It wasn't until I started using the tools of my program that I could make loving, rational decisions for myself and stand up and be ready to accept the consequences of my decisions. Yes, nine times out of ten, a lot of those decisions ended up with the exAH furious with me, stomping around, slamming doors, telling me how horrible and selfish I was and guilting me with statements like "If it was ME, I would have done it for YOU!" I really had to get okay with myself and get really centered when I prepared to put my foot down with him. Often times, it would take a phone call with my sponsor beforehand. Sometimes, I'd have to leave the house and get to a meeting right after. Sometimes, though, when I was feeling really sure that I'd done nothing horrible or wrong, I could actually sit in the house with that tantrum going on and feel completely at peace.

I know my life is full of choices. If I'm going to continue to do stuff that I'd rather not be doing, then I need to change my attitude and stop being resentful about it if I want to be happy. Either that, or I need to make a change and stop doing what I'd rather not be doing and be ready for the alcholic's explosion, which I'd have to remind myself that it, too, would eventually pass. I could live with the discomfort of his anger for a few days while he calmed down because eventually he'd find something else to occupy his time, anyhow.

mjhyankees · Senior Member

Not being resentful seems to be a really neat trick. the only way I can not feel resentful about something I feel I have to do is if I can see enough good or benefit in it. Now I know some will say "you have a choice" and they have. Yeah and when the gangster in the movie has the hero against the cliff and says jump or I'll shoot you, the hero has a choice as well. That doesn't make me feel better. It heightens my resentment.

I got past resentment on the first dog because he was so sweet and so smart that I found he added a dimension to our lives and mine particularly, that wasn't there before. i began to appreciate his company, faithfulness, boundless joy etc. For some reason I'm not seeing it yet from this guy. The ONLY good thing I see is that it gives the other dog some company because he does get lonely. Then again the other dog avoids the puppy alot because he's annoying to him.

Well have to see. I'd read somewhere that having the belief that something good COULD come from an issue. That it MAY lead to something better than we'd imagined or opened doors that would have been closed before is the key to happiness. Well I'm still working on it.

In the meantime I'm trying not to blame the puppy but it's stressing me out alot these days.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

mj,

I've been following your post today; I really feel for you.

You did identify one good thing about the puppy: it's provide companionship for your other dog that you enjoy. Keep reminding yourself of that benefit and perhaps more good things about the puppy will become evident. Does your daughter enjoy the puppy? Do you two have the time to begin training him together? It would be time well spent.

I've read that "what you think about expands" and from my personal experiences, especially recently, it's proven to be true. So I'm more vigalent of what I think on these days.

I hope you get to feeling better about the puppy! He's doing what a puppy does. He'll outgrow his annoying behaviors in time and with loving training.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha MJ...I don't see it as being about the puppy. Might be alot about the resentments. Resentments really kept me hooked into the enabling game...one more thing to do, fix, manage etc. By the way there are puppy pads you can get that help train the wee furry ones it's how we "most" have ours trained. I believe WalMart has the least expensive. Both of our pups were my wife's choise also. She is allowed her pets and while we both participate in the entire goings on of both Chloe and Sadie my wife gets more of the "duty" time. Let's face it there are lots of stuff about puppies that are funny as hell where and when I might not get the uplifting if they were not here. They sure take a more rigid focus off of all the negative stuff the news media attempts to pack into my life. Also they have taught me how to "play" again and that is a masterful gift from HP for me. I'm grateful. Go get a sponsor if you haven't gotten one yet. Trying to do this alone doesn't seem to be working. In support. smile

drummerchick423 · Senior Member

This sounds to me like "kick the dog" syndrome. Literally. I agree with the opinion here. Are you really mad at the dog? Or mad at your lack of control in the situation?

Debilyn wrote:

dear man, my view is it has NOTHING to do with the dog.
I see you are mad at the situation your wife put you in. Mad at the not being responsible, not talking to you first, expects you to do your part etc.
I know from experience this dog is turning into a nervous wreck. Its not your fault but it is being neglected. More emotionally than anything. Dogs are a pack animal. All he feels is anger from his pack.
Puppies are babies. You wouldn't shut a baby in a bathroom. Its its nature to want to play with the other dog. Its its nature to chew everything, its teething.
Going by what you shared, this dog is going to end up insecure and a biter. All the behaviors you shared is a puppy with no boundaries, they learn boundaries from their caretaker. This babies caretaker pushes it away.
I KNOW about animals. My puppies slept on my chest. They rarely if ever pottied in the house. We NEVER discipline them. What ever they do is their nature. The key is to train them, our job. The newspaper thing was nothing but abuse to the puppie. I know you didn't mean it that way, but all it did was scare him. A dog has no idea what you were doing.
When a dog is diciplined spell? in the wild, the alpha will put his mouth on the dogs neck, lay the dog own and step on his neck or hold him down with her mouth.
we have to teach an animal how they understand.
BUT like i said, the situation is not the dog. Its the dynamics of your family.(that you are doing your best with love to keep together!)
If it were up to me, I would call Yorkie rescue and let them give him a home where he is treasured and everything he does is cute. Where he is rarely put down becuz everyone wants to hold him. I hope you will accept my life experience and do what it right for this dear creature.
You my friend are NOT at fault for this. sometimes we have to be the bigger person and set things right.
love,debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes...I was thinking the same thing. "Kick the dog syndrome" = a defense mechanism called displacement. Who is it that you really might feel like slapping?

Otie · Senior Member

Ditto to Debilyn's post. Sounds like wisdon and experience.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.