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Hi all! I haven't posted here in so long. I've been out straight with taking my A boyfriends dad to his treatments and dr.'s appointments and my own 3 children to theirs. I am missing this site. My A boyfriend hasn't had a drink since Halloween and I am very thankful and proud of him for that. He told me he quit (his version of quit) because he didn't want his kids to see the behaviours he exibited and have to defend his actions when they get older. He also told me he quit because It was a problem for me, it was my problem and he is trying to make it better. I feel this is his way of saying there is a problem but not taking resonsibility for what is his problem. Has anyone ever encountered this? Yeah I had a problem with it because when he drank he was an unexcusable ass that treated me like crap! What I meant by his version is he says he's not going to drink excessivly like he was, getting drunk and taking off when we fought or getting drunk somewhere else and not coming home because he couldn't drive but he feels ha can have a few beers at home or if it is offered to him while he is out and know he can't over do it. I simply told him well I hope it works for him. He hasn't drank yet. Just looking for some input here. Holly
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
If he is truly an alcoholic, he will slip right back into old patterns and behaviors within the blink of an eye. I'm not trying to represent all alcoholic here on this site, but I know from my own alcoholism, that I always swore up and down that I could act different and make better choices, yet still be able to drink. I couldn't. Like the big book states, I chased that line of reasoning all the way to the gates of insanity. Instead of learning from my drinking mistakes, they only got worse and that is the case with ALL alcoholics. He is totally fooling himself into a relapse if you ask me. Furthermore, it sounds like he is not accepting that he is an alcoholic at all because if that was the case, he wouldn't be entertaining ideas about controlled drinking. There may have been a time when I could have a couple drinks and then stop, but that time passed and once it did, there was no going back no matter how hard I tried. One drink always led to many drinks. He might exercise control a few times, but it will be back to binging and benders cuz once the switch is flipped to alcoholism, it doesn't get unflipped (Alcohol-IS-m not Alcohol-WAS-m). I am thinking you should buckle up for a bumpy ride if you stick with him or you might consider more alanon meetings to buffer you from the effects of his choice to engage in active alcoholism.
And yes...I do believe you are right on the money about him not accepting responsibility for his addiction. That is his disease owning him. I know this cuz I am prone to the same bullcrap thoughts and will buy into them if I am not careful.
In my experience, blaming is just part of A-ism. It is always easier to deflect the attention from the real problem and blame something else. If an A hasn't truly accepted that he or she is an A and decided to make changes, he or she may try to quit for some other reason. This will not work long term, though. It's good he hasn't had a drink since Halloween, but if he's not working a program he is not really in recovery - he's just dry. The same behaviors (blaming, deflecting, etc.) are still there when you take away the alcohol because the drinking is just a symptom of a bigger problem. If the bigger problem isn't getting any treatment, it won't get better regardless of whether there's being alcohol poured on it.
I've found in my recovery that these same principles apply to me and my own behavior. I blamed the A for everything that was wrong in my life for YEARS - blamed him for causing chaos FOR ME, blamed him for lying TO ME, blamed him for anything and everything. In fact, when I first started going to Alanon, I started going "because of him" - or so I told myself. I did this so that I didn't have to look at my part in it, my own disease, my own imperfections. It is always easier to point the finger at someone else when things don't feel good. It's always easier to point the finger at someone else rather than accept that my behavior needs to change and then get to work making changes. However, I've discovered that when I point the finger, there are 3 others pointing back at me.
Yes, you cannot accept responsibility for either his addiction or for his quitting. Those things are his to own. Just like you didn't cause him to drink, you can also not cause him to be sober.
Addiction is a crazy thing and hard to understand. Blaming is part of being an addict. With my AbF it's always I'm sober you lie. You are the issue. He is an AA regular so he feels he knows everything. But he doesn't really work the program because he is addicted to pot and gambling now instead. With an addict it may always be something and that is a lot to deal with. You just have think about the pros and cons of the person. The work you're willing to put it and if it is worth it. I say you because there is always going to be an up and down. You have to find ways to keep youself happy and a balance in the partnership where the addiction doesn't take over whenever it feels like it.
Hi.... am I right in that he has "quit drinking" but is not following AA, or any program of sobriety?? To me, anything to get them through the doors in AA is fine.... I don't care if he blames me, you, the dog, or the paperboy, as long as he gets there..... IF he chooses a program of sobriety, he will soon see that this is very much HIS problem.... If he is trying this cold turkey - I agree with what has been said ...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It happened like this, he started seeing a threapist he is battling depression and some anxiety, then shortly after he started therepy after a night of binge drinking and taking off he quit. He said he didn't want to be the person seen as the asshole when he drinks and didn't want the kids to have to make excuses for him or the same kinds of stories that he has about his family when they get older. He is still in therepy and now on meds for depression and anxiety and has not had a drink since October 30th and says he hasn't had the craving to drink no interest in it right now. I see a difference in his behavior and he is definately trying to make himself better he also said he's doing it for the kids and me. I don't know how things will turn out but I am proud of what he has done. I have had A relatives that have quit cold turkey and there was never a problem again and I have relatives that had to be in a program to stay sober. I do know and have told him that I am not going to live like we were living before, if things go back to the way they were I am taking the kids and leaving. I don't care who's problem he thinks it is. I am more than happy to listen to anyone who want's to share and thanks to those of you who have :) Holly.
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
