The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my ex-A has been clean and sober for 26 years. i only met him 5 years ago. whenever i read any of the posts her, or the literature, or go to face-to-face meetings, so much of what i hear is people dealing with actively drinking alcoholics, or alcoholics in the process of starting recovery, or alcoholics working their program but their SO was with them during the drinking. even the Big Book doesn't speak of meeting someone when they're sober and watching as they act just like someone who is drunk.
quick recap of what i'm trying to process and work through: my ex-A broke up with me and dumped my daughter in the process, after parenting her for 5 years and making promises that cover all aspects of her life - the last time she saw him, he was so nice to her, and had been keeping his promises - now she is going through an extremely difficult time, even with me, a therapist and the school counselor to help her. she's only 6 and already showing symptoms of PTSD :( i'm praying and working around the clock to make sure she gets all the help she needs. i'm alone where i live, rural area and only one friend.
i am so confused! i feel stuck. i want to find a place where i truly fit in. i want to read about other stories like mine, which seems to be one of the most healing things about Al-Anon. the Twelve Promises sound so wonderful, so sane, so serene - that's what i want! i read about the love and the fellowship and i crave it so badly it hurts. perhaps it's just the nature of my local f2f meeting, there is only one per week and there is a "core group" of people who've known each other for many years, who have worked through recovery together. i'm in New England, and i've experienced this attitude everywhere, but really, Al-Anon? it seems anathema.
at meetings i speak openly and honestly, i keep it brief (3 minutes or less is their rule), and i hang around after each meeting. i was greeted the first time i went when we introduced ourselves, later i bought a book, and that's it. i am shy, although if someone speaks to me first, i open right up. i can work up the courage to enter a conversation if there's a common thread. so far, no go, if i approach a group, backs turn towards me.
please tell me, what is a f2f Al-Anon meeting supposed to be like? where is the love, the fellowship? i read Courage to Heal every day, whenever they mention the support and the love at Al-Anon meetings, i end up crying so hard. i break out of my shyness to greet newcomers after the meeting, but they're so quick to leave - perhaps because of the cold reception? i haven't seen a newcomer come more than twice, so far.
i'm in severe crisis at the moment. i'm praying, reading the literature and using it as "journal prompts," i'm taking my own inventory, i'm searching constantly to learn new things about recovery and detachment. i can't find any info on dealing with a long-time sober alcoholic! but i have to deal with him until the end of April, he's testifying at a custody hearing with my daughter's bio-dad. he's tormenting me in email, putting "court" as the subject (i feel i need to read anything regarding court, it's so important!), but then he slips in passive-aggressive crap, or little digs.
i asked my ex-A to skip going to the soup kitchen 2 days per week so i could take my daughter there to eat. (he used to take her/us.) he said NO. i can't take her there because if she sees him, i know she'll run to him and cry and cling and it'll emotionally harm her worse than she's already been harmed. the state cut food stamps down so far that the soup kitchen is essential, they even have a great salad bar full of healthy, fresh choices my daughter loves. what kind of person denies giving a child a chance to EAT? it seems like the behavior of an actively-drinking alcoholic - making unreasonable demands, being selfish, not caring if he hurts anyone. but he's stone-cold sober!
i'm in so much pain i'm afraid to sit still for a moment, the enormity of it may hit me and i need to be "here" for my daughter. she's in so much crisis, i know how i handle this can affect the rest of her life. she is not adaptable and bouncing back in this situation, as she has been in all other situations in her short life. this is really deeply hurting her, she is in denial and obsessed with waiting by the phone, looking out the window, insisting he'll call or show up and she doesn't want to miss it. i explain it to her, i make plans to go out and do fun or interesting things, nothing works so far. her therapist is speaking of PTSD and we're working hard to get a circle of support around her.
i guess i can be free to say this here, if nowhere else: where is MY circle of support??! how can i avoid PTSD and depression?? Al-Anon promises fellowship, acceptance, even love. i've seen that here. why i'm not seeing it at the f2f meeting, i'm not sure. there is no other f2f meeting i can get to, i'd go in a heartbeat if there were. then i feel so selfish for wanting my own support, then i realize i have to find support in order to support my child.
why would a person who's been sober for so long act like he's drunk??? and how does one get past it and recover from all the pain? no advice needed, just ESH.
Him deciding to move on is not acting drunk. You are perceiving it that way because you are hurt. He was always free to move on from you and your daughter. It sucks and it might make him an A-hole, but I don't know that it's an alanon issue. Also, he isn't denying your daughter anything by going where he pleases. You should do the same. You can teach your daughter to be strong and fight her own battles if she sees him. People are going to come and go in her life for her whole life...this can be a learning experience for her. You don't have to look at all life changes as catastrophes and potentially PTSD forming. How do you know that him leaving was not the best thing in the world for both you and your daughter? Maybe you will grow into a much healthier person. Maybe you will find a much more reliable, mature, and stable man to be your partner and her stepfather one day.
I know it hurts to have lost him for yourself and also your daughter, but now is the time to focus on YOU. Forget him and be strong. That is the model your daughter needs. As far as fellowship at meetings goes...Keep searching for different meetings and there may be stronger fellowship at other meetings you find. Also, think about what your message is. I think you should always be honest in your shares, BUT...when you are putting out a bunch of negativity rather than experience, strength, and hope, who is going to appeal to your message? Talk about what YOU are doing...you are reading books, trying to apply the 12 steps to your life. You sound so bright when you write about that stuff. Share your knowledge and your hope and people will flock to you. You are not showcasing your personality when you are overly focused on the ex and what he is or is not doing....Nurture your other hobbies and find fellowship there also. What about church?
I am guessing in a year from now, if you continue to move on from him, you will wonder why the heck you spent so much time and energy worrying about him and you will be glad you are in a different spot. Acceptance is the answer. He is who he is regardless of whatever label you throw on it. He is also not your problem any more so don't let him be. I know after living in the drama of "make up and break up" for so long, you are kind of used to it, but you can break free now and that is a good thing.
You are a whole and complete individual without him and so is your daughter. You don't need him and neither does she. I really pray that you find that light in you and just let it radiate...Nobody owns you. You are going to be fine as time progresses and the more you heal, the more people will gravitate towards you. You might have to have some dealings with the ex regarding court, but you don't have to care so much. The outcome of the case as far as he is concerned is not under your control. You are not likely to lose custody because he is not in your life. The saying that comes to mind here is "he is living in your head rent free." You have the power to stop that.
I hope this helps some. You seem like such a bright person and don't deserve to be putting yoursellf through this suffering.
It's been my experience that I find I get to apply what I learn in Al-Anon to all the people I encounter in my life, whether they're alcoholics or not. I have a personal opinion that every single human being on this planet has SOME sort of odd vice that creates behaviors in them not unlike an addict or alcoholic.
I know for me, my personal vice seems to be other people. I crave their attention - at times really want to be the center of their attention. And when I receive that attention, it quickens me, gives me a sort of "high" and then I want more. The bad thing is that I tend to want attention from those who are least capable of giving it. It's that thing about wanting everyone to like me and getting scared and feeling like somehow some part of me is going to be annihilated if I don't get a particular person's love, approval, and/or respect.
Al-Anon's given me some fantastic tools. One of my favorites that I apply that's really helped me with the whole people-pleasing problem I have is "What you think of me is none of my business." It really releases me from feeling like I have to start jumping through hoops and make myself crazy in order to make someone happy with me.
Another quirk to my own illness is that I expect others to read my mind and know immediately if I need their help. If I stand there in a corner skulking, then someone SHOULD come over and rescue me, dang it! Of course I've found out life doesn't work that way. I've found that if I really want some help, I need to be straightforward and ask for it. At the same time, I have to learn, too, that there are appropriate and inappropriate people to request such help from. If I'm not careful, I could be doing that whole "going to the hardware store for bread" analogy if I'm asking for help from someone who is pretty clearly incapable of being helpful.
If a situation isn't working for me, I know that there are other possibilities out there. While I feel most all of the meetings in my area offer recovery in their own special ways, there are simply some I prefer to not attend often because I just don't quite "mesh" with them. I also know that if I'm in desperate need of a meeting and there's not an Al-Anon meeting anytime soon, that I still am a member of the Family of Alcoholism, and therefore I can get myself over to an open AA meeting and surround myself with recovery and fellowship there.
Recovery is always available to me - I just can't expect that it's going to drop into my lap. Sometimes I have to do the footwork.
When I hear or read posts like this my first reaction is to ask what have you given to the program do you reach out or expect others to be mind readers , do you have a sponsor or still going it alone , wether the alcoholic is still drinking or not does not matter this program is for you to make your life better with or with out them . I agree it sucks that he has moved on and eventually your daughter will have to accept that , dont let anyone stop you from doing what you want to do , if she does run up to him he will have to deal with it a hug from mommy will fix it . I suspect your daughter will recover from his leaving much faster than you will ,kids have a knack of accepting things easier than we do . 26 yrs sober does not make a saint .
I find that I too want the people around me to play by my rules. It's very disappointing when they don't and often it feels like they are trying to make me miserable. That's when I realize that I am giving away my power.
I don't view your ex going to the soup kitchen as him denying your daughter of food. It's a public place and as such you are all welcome to go. What happens if your daughter sees him? What happens if she tells you that makes her sad? What happens if she talks to him and he has the chance to tell her about his decisions? What happens if she feels hurt by that? Can you validate those feelings she has and help her understand them? Can you tell her it's okay to be hurt and sad and that those are reasonable feelings to be having? Is it possible that it may even be good for her to deal with those feelings dead on and not be sheltered from them?
I can remember a time when I had to teach my 6 year old what a plan B was. I had brought him to his Dad's house on an evening before Christmas and Dad was wasted. It was a sad situation to have to change the plan and explain that there wasn't going to be a sleepover afterall because Daddy was drunk and he wasn't able to take proper care of his son. My 6 year old was really sad and so was I, for him. I explained that sometimes the plans need to change - it's called a plan B. We ended up going to visit Santa, did some Christmas Shopping and bought a couple cool new toys from the dollar store! It turned out very well. Later that night I asked him what he thought of "plan B" and he enthusiastically said, "it was great!"
My son has feelings about his Dad that he has a right to. My son also has feelings about me that he has a right to. Also about school and friends and other family. My son's reality, is his reality. My job is not to protect him from it, but to help him along as he copes with it. I cannot manipulate others to try and buffer the reality so that it's not so painful. I tried for years to make my son's Dad be a better Dad. It's just impossible to do. So, I learned that all I can do is help my son along, as he deals with the realities of his life. (of corse while asserting my authority to protect him from danger ie. not leaving him with a drunk Dad).
You can do that too with your daughter. Bring her to eat, play, visit, in places that are safe and loving wherever you like! Allow her and you to feel what you feel. Recognize the imperfections, the disappointments and the sadness. And also recognize all the strengths you each have. All the gifts you each have. All the wonderful things in your lives. YOu have a home right? Halleyuia! Some people don't. How about clothes? Woo-hoo. Some people don't. And you have each other... some people don't have Mommy's. Some people don't have beautiful 6 year old girls. What a blessing!
Dear Purpleraven, I want to empathize with the very real grief that you are feeling.
whenever we percieve the loss of a love object--whether they were good OR bad for us--the heart feels pain. Pain that feels like tearing flesh from bone. Pain that goes from head to toe and goes all the way to our core. It can render us confused and frightened and angry, sad, lonely...etc. It is human to hurt and cry out.
The heart can also heal--tho it never feels like it at the time. Keep reaching out to others (like people on this board) . You are feeling pretty isolated and vulnerable right now. Reach out to your HP and go at it a minute, hour, or a day at a time.
Right now I am thinking about you, as are many others. You aren't truly alone. You are loved.
at first i wasn't sure how to share at an Al-Anon meeting, then i got the book Courage to Heal and i'd either use that day's page or find one that inspired me and helped me somehow. i'd share how the words on that page helped me in my current situation, or in life in general. sometimes i get teary-eyed. i don't get into specifics, i just talk about how i feel. i always say how grateful i am that meeting is there, or how grateful i am that i could make it to a meeting.
i met my first sponsor in private online and it turned out she was fairly local and able to come to a few meetings with me. she's retiring from sponsorship to be with family and is unavailable. now that i'm without a sponsor, i ask for a temporary sponsor, or i put myself on the list for needing a temporary sponsor. (whichever the group is doing that day.) i've asked 4 times so far.
i reach out, i definitely reach out. no sulking, either a real smile or a pleasant neutral on my face. i carry CTH with me and sometimes the quote of the day is a nice conversation opener. i stand near people but not too near, and watch for openings. i might look too eager, if anything.
everything i've read here about me and my daughter is true ... we don't need him, and we will move on. it's the day-to-day, sometimes hour-to-hour or minute-to-minute "moving on" that's been difficult for me - i have no family, and my friend is a good listener but she's not familiar with the dynamics of alcoholism. she's angry and shocked by what she's personally witnessed and i have to admit, sometimes it helps to hear someone else voice the thoughts i'm thinking inside - it helps me to articulate my feelings better, at times.
after the court case, we never need to hear from him again. my daughter will still be in therapy, and we've been talking about possible reactions to her seeing him around town. if he emails me, i just hit "delete," that's actually easy for me.
i feel i was far more detached from him during the relationship than i am now. is that common? in fact it was my detachment that would "provoke" him as he said. i knew better. it was my detachment that was keeping me sane. now i just feel stuck.
i don't know how exactly to ask for help at a local meeting, perhaps. how can i say "i'm in crisis and need a sponsor, or someone to just talk to?" i mean, that's exactly what i've said at the meeting, but it goes into thin air. i get a sense that i'm intruding on "their" meeting, to put it simply, but that couldn't be true.
Dear purpleraven, I have never found "moving on" from any painful circumstace such as yours easy. Grief and
emotional pain can be felt by an individual as anger, sadness , lonliness, confusion, fear........and every imaginable uncomfortable state. Every person operates in their own time frame---but, by my observation, it is not overnight, and it it usually stop-and-go.
Have you always been shy? I know some people are. I also wonder if possibly you "unconsciously" fend people off as a way of avoiding pain? You would know these answers more than anyone else, but I know it is not unheard of.
I do understand that you are hurting. You have my empathy for your pain. PLEASE keep going forward. Cry as much as you need to. Keep attending groups; keep posting here; and above all, connect with your HP. You are not truly alone.
Respectfully, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Sunday 10th of April 2011 09:50:33 AM
