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Just looking for some outside input. I seen my exabf at a friends birthday party this weekend. It didn't go to bad he is still sober but is deeper then ever in his gambling addiction. He fully admited being at the casino the previous three nights till the early hours in the morning. Of course he didn't think there was an issue and I didn't attack him. Anyways we decided to get together in a couple weeks and talk about a couple of things. Through out the evening he would make comments like she is perfect but she is a lies. I didn't feed into it. My question is how do I approach this when I speak to him? I fully admit I did lie when I felt cornered by him as a defense and sometimes went to extreme measures when I reacted. I am getting help with that now through my shrink and alanon. I know it is going to come up. I basically want to say I did do wrong, I am getting the help I need to work on me, but every action has a reaction and I was reacting to him being disrespectful. I just want to go about this the right way and be an adult about things. Any advice?
He ended the ended things because he said I was lying all the time a couple of months ago. It also happened to be when his gambling got worse. I didn't want to end things and it took me by surprise I couldn't figure out what went wrong and why he was driving me crazy. I do love him still and I have alway accepted his issues. I helped him get involved in AA three plus years ago and have supported his sobriety. People are who they are and I am powerless to his addictions but I feel like with a positive support system and a willingness to change people can get through stuff. I would like to work on us, this time having the tools I need and see how it goes. But he will also have to be willing to do work, continuing with his sobriety and start some kind of 12 step or see some one about his gambling. He is like the functional addict when he was drinking he never paid a bill late or missed work. With gambling the same thing he is excellent at hiding his problems from every one but me. I don't want to save him because I know that I can't. I just happened to love a man who isn't perfect by any means but who is. I guess I want to just give it one more chance, then if it doesn't work three strikes he is out. All I ask for is open communication and respect. It is just going about the conversation with out getting him on the defense.
All I hear in your last post is "him, him him"..he needs to do this, he needs to do that", and meanwhile you present yourself as this noble saviour, whether intentional or not.
That sounds a lot like codependency to me, and believe me, I say that because I am one.
He may be functional, but getting involved with an addict of any sort, even gambling, can blow back on you. Actually, I'd be scared to be with a gambling-a-holic because I am very much invested in being financially stable. That could be a recipe for financial disaster if you get sucked into his gambling debts.
it sounds like he is trying to make you play a game you cannot win.
-- Edited by likemyheart on Thursday 7th of April 2011 09:55:01 PM
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I am fully aware of what the implications are when you are involved with an addict. It's just the question of if the addict is willing to seek the help they need. I go to meetings, I have read the books, and I see a head shrinker on the regular. If I sound noble because that is what I have to be to put myself above the addictions and not feed into the BS that they create. I don't think I am codependent because I don't depend on him for my happiness. I have my family, friends, dog, and own personal accomplishments for that. If I say him a lot it's because he does have to be willing on his own to deal with his demons. I can't make him do anything. I guess I am just trying to open up the lines of communication. I want to have a conversation with out him getting defensive. I want to live up to my mistakes because it's part of my healing with out making it sound like he didn't do anything wrong. As far as it being a game, I don't know that he really knows that he is playing one or if his addiction has taken over the drivers seat. I hope I don't sound nasty I really appriciate the feedback, I'm a writer so sometimes my passion takes over and makes my responses a little dramatic. But I can understand what you are both saying.
He is calling you a liar and he has a gambling problem? Not telling you what to do but why are you settling? There are other nice, handsome men out there that will treat you with respect, not cause turbulence in your life, and whom you can share peace and joy with. The point of alanon is not to accept less than what you really really want....it is to improve your boundaries and recognize that you owe it to yourself to go after what you really want in life. Don't let his addictions rule you, make you question if you are a good person or a liar that deserves less in life.
In answer to your original question--What do I say if he brings up my telling lies in the relationship?
I believe you answered your own question by stating that you are aware of doing that and are seeking help for that issue. You have used this as a means of coping in the past and know it is destructive and does not help a relationship. It sounds like a 10th step to me.
I see no reason for not stating it in just that manner You are human and it is all progress not perfection.
Pink Chip yes can't we all do better then an A. But we also can't help who we fall in love with. I have been in many healthy normal relationships prior to this one. He was friend that grew into something more. Being involved with an A is complicated and that is why programs like alanon are so important. For now I am willing to see what if. Betty thank you hearing it repeated back from someone else in different words makes it sound a little more clear. It is progress not perfection and yes a good tenth step. I am human and I have faults just because mine aren't addictions doesn't mean that they can't be hurtful or distructive. It's about finding solutions for postive communication with everyone not just my exabf.
In my path through AlAnon I have worked especially hard in the past and now recently in the present at accepting apologies and explanations from my exah. After learning how to accept and practicing still at forgiving ... I have also gained the knowledge that I deserve the same courtesy for my bad decisions. In my attempts to own my mistakes and make amends without giving up my own dignity I have found that simply stating I was doing the best I could at the given time and am working on myself to be able to handle various situations in the future in different and more productive ways. Personally I do not care to share too much of my program with people who are not familiar with AlAnon or A's in my life who are not actively seeking recovery for I am still vulnerable to manipulation and misguidance in some aspects. I like K.I.S.S. for situations like these.
Jennifer, My frustration with my exabf was and is that while he was working his program his mistakes are part of his learning process. He says he gives it up to his HP and that life is about forgiveness so I should forgive him because he is trying. Now I am working my program and like am also aware of all the mistakes I made. Lying just to scream out for attention, being self destructive. But like you I am evolving into a new person, someone said it is about progress not perfection. I never intentionally did anything to hurt my ABF, I was just dying inside and reacted. Like you in order to feel like I am moving forward and all I would like is the same courtasy I gave him and that is forgiveness. I know it doesn't come over night but just at least acknowledging that I am working at being a better me and that my work is equally as important as his. The universe must have some crazy plan for us. We keep crossing paths in so many random places, now work neighbors. There is not time to forget. Although my ABF did emotional put me on a rollercoaster I am thankful for that now. It brought me to realize I had to change or my life would always be a mess. That honesty is the best policy and lying to make a situation better only in the end makes it worse. Maybe things will work out maybe they won't but I am a better person because of it all. There is a beautiful quote from mother teresa thats says," I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. Give to the universe and it will give back to you.
