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I don't know what the right answer is for you - you are the only one that can answer that.
I think if it were me, I would closely and honestly examine my motives and talk to my sponsor first. If my motive was just simply to convey a birthday wish, fine. But if my motive was to put my name in front of his face, make him think about me and how much he misses me, and be a reminder of why he should get sober, it falls in the "control" category. I mean no offense at all, if the control thing doesn't describe you then just disregard. In my situation, I'm DEFINTELY guilty of using occasions like birthdays for attempts to manipulate - because the gesture seems so innocent.
Well my ex is high functioning so he will know it's his birthday, but yeah..there are 2 considerations I just thought of.
Number 1, I think the fact that I'd be silent on his birthday will make it really sink home with him that I'm serious about my ultimatum.
Number 2, he has always said his birthday is a difficult time for him. Last birthday, we had a horrible weekend...he got drunk and went off on me for no reason. Had a 4 hour long temper tantrum. I should've called the cops on him. Anyway, I think his birthday is weird for him because he was adopted. That's why I always tried, when I was with him, to make his birthday nice but somehow it always backfired. Usu because of the drinking.
So thanks for helping me work this out in my mind..
Bettina wrote:
Thats completely up to you, nobody can really tell you what to do..
If your asking me what would I do, I wouldnt. My XAH didnt even remember it was his own Birthday half the time.
Stay focused on yourself...
luv, Bettina
-- Edited by drummerchick423 on Thursday 7th of April 2011 03:44:04 PM
See my reply to Bettina...seems like NOT sending him a card could also be interpreted as a control thing...at least that's what I rationized in my #1 reason not to send it. Dang, sometimes we are d*mnd if we do, and d*mnd if we don't. It's almost comical!
White Rabbit wrote:
I don't know what the right answer is for you - you are the only one that can answer that.
I think if it were me, I would closely and honestly examine my motives and talk to my sponsor first. If my motive was just simply to convey a birthday wish, fine. But if my motive was to put my name in front of his face, make him think about me and how much he misses me, and be a reminder of why he should get sober, it falls in the "control" category. I mean no offense at all, if the control thing doesn't describe you then just disregard. In my situation, I'm DEFINTELY guilty of using occasions like birthdays for attempts to manipulate - because the gesture seems so innocent.
So many times I did just one little thing -- one "harmless" little thing -- to establish contact once again. It's like an alcoholic just stopping by a bar to say hi to a friend. What would you say to the alcoholic who suggested it? That's what I wish I'd said to myself.
Good point! At this point, contact would be just like a relapse...
Mattie wrote:
So many times I did just one little thing -- one "harmless" little thing -- to establish contact once again. It's like an alcoholic just stopping by a bar to say hi to a friend. What would you say to the alcoholic who suggested it? That's what I wish I'd said to myself.
with my AH if i sent him any message - ANY MESSAGE AT ALL - he would take it to mean I gave in and assume that the game was continuing.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
The thing that I learned to work best for me was no contact, of any sort. I did things like kind gestures of a birthday card and it was never recieved in the spirit of which it was intended. It always somehow meant more to him, then I was accused of leading him on or something. I found it just gave reason for the insanity to perpetuate. Eventually (after about 2 yrs) I arrived at the decision to just have no contact, of any kind, and let HP take care of the A 100%.
Dear Drummerchick423 .Looks like you have gotten pleanty of food for thought to help you. I will add only one more thought--because I can feel your pain on this.
Perhaps your discomfort is coming as much from YOUR difficulty in keeping the boundry in place as much as it is concern for him. My experience with boundry setting with loved ones is that it is hard, hard, hard.
You are not da**ed if you do and da**ed if you dont. He is your EX...Not your current BF. I don't send my exes squat because they are my EXES. While it may take more time for your heart to catch up to this situation. Remember, he is your EX and you said no contact. It is actually healthier for you to be moving on and not even thinking about him right now. Why are you still trying to be all sweet and thoughtful to someone you just broke up with...not to mention someone that didn't treat you that great anyhow?
Here is the thing: Step three involves letting go. When you broke up did you really and truly let go? Did you hand him over to the care of your HP? Or did you have let him go with the expectation and clinging home that he would sober up. If you truly let it go and let him go to the care of your HP, you would not be sweating this and you would be moving on. Don't get sucked back into his craziness.
Also...the term "functional" alcoholic makes me cringe. It describes about 90 percent of alcoholics and people use that term to try and make themselves sound like exceptions. Most people in AA are not hobos who live under bridges. Your ex sounds like a garden variety alcoholic.
I think the whole "functional" label speaks more about our society..the fact that binge drinking is so acceptable. Yknow..he's "young, just having fun, partying..." Yeah, people who didn't stick around to deal with the aftermath, can say that.
He can keep a job..actually does well at his job...he can pay his bills...to his parents, he just seems like he drinks in moderation. He uses the fact that he does well at his job as a reason to shrug off any concerns about his drinking.
I am trying so hard, really struggling to let him go. It's SO hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Despite the drinking, I felt a connection with him like I've never had with anyone. I loved him passionately but of course that made the hard times even harder.
Maybe it's complicated by the fact that I got SO mad at him at the end. Times we broke up before, I always had these eruptions of anger where I just went off on him. I think what made me the angriest was just thinking, how could he say he loves me, then tell me if I can't accept his drinking, I can walk?
I know that's the disease speaking, so I think I was mad at the disease, but it came out at him. I'm ashamed of the way I acted. I know I can't take it back. And any kind of amends or apology, like a few of you who pointed out, would probably be interpreted as leading him on. I guess it's just something I have to live with--the regret.
pinkchip wrote:
You are not da**ed if you do and da**ed if you dont. He is your EX...Not your current BF. I don't send my exes squat because they are my EXES. While it may take more time for your heart to catch up to this situation. Remember, he is your EX and you said no contact. It is actually healthier for you to be moving on and not even thinking about him right now. Why are you still trying to be all sweet and thoughtful to someone you just broke up with...not to mention someone that didn't treat you that great anyhow?
Here is the thing: Step three involves letting go. When you broke up did you really and truly let go? Did you hand him over to the care of your HP? Or did you have let him go with the expectation and clinging home that he would sober up. If you truly let it go and let him go to the care of your HP, you would not be sweating this and you would be moving on. Don't get sucked back into his craziness.
Also...the term "functional" alcoholic makes me cringe. It describes about 90 percent of alcoholics and people use that term to try and make themselves sound like exceptions. Most people in AA are not hobos who live under bridges. Your ex sounds like a garden variety alcoholic.
Drummerchick...All you can do is try. Time does heal all wounds pretty much. Just remember all the things that drove you crazy about him (in a bad way) and those will be your red flags from now on to end relationships with people who show the same characteristics. This way you never have to settle or live with someone elses addiction again.
