Need help with acceptance - Al-Anon Family Group

gladysg · Member

Need help with acceptance

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and Welcome

I can truly identify with your share. I too knew deep down what I was doing but was afraid to own it as I had no other means to deal. That was when I found al anon and was willing to learn new tools to live by.

I am glad you are here and working the steps Continue using the tools. Talk to your sponsor, get to meetings In step 7 we ask HP to remove our shortcomings We cannot heal ourselves but we can prepare ourselves for change by using the tools. One day at a time, being gentle with ourselves, prayer and focusing on ourselves.

This is a process and keep working it because you are worth it

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 7th of April 2011 03:28:34 PM

Freya · Veteran Member

I can go to a place in my mind where I give myself a very hard time for the choices I have made, and then i find the slogans coming into my mind, "progress not perfection", "one day at a time". I used to hate the slogans and thought they were pithy, but now I find they are filled with simple but very powerful wisdom. One of the things I find it hardest to do is be compassionate with myself. A friend told me recently to be gentle with myself, and I try to do that whenever I go into pain and frustration that I haven't managed to do things differently.

My sponsor told me recently, "Awareness, Acceptance, Action. First comes awareness then comes acceptance, we can't accept things until we are aware of them. Mostly people jump from awareness to action without accepting themselves first. Acceptance is about being gentle with ourselves." This really had a big impact on me and comes into my mind a lot when I'm struggling.

Freya

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi again. What I learned from being a JW that I ask HP,(for me the creator)for forgiveness, then I forgive myself, then I let it go. It is in HP's hands now, not mine anymore. Then I move on. We all make decisions that did not turn out so hot. We are taught to forgive ourselves.

I find when it was my companion, that I accept him "as is" or I leave, or have him leave.

For me, compromising,taking a day at a time, protecting myself, setting my life up as if he was only someone I loved. I had NO expectations of him. When he did come thru great. If not, his choice. I cannot make him do anything anyway.

I concentrated on my side of the street. It's very hard to do in a marriage. Especially when my belief is he is the head of the family. Sadly it does not always turn out like this. Especially if our mate is sick.

I put things in my name only. I did my best to not be pulled into his stuff.

I had nothing to feel guilty about. I keep a close relationship with HP. I am so blessed as he always answers.

Never did I want a divorce or to lose him. I leaned how to be maluable in the situation, but to keep my integrity and be willing to compromise. Sadly the disease took it all, all the material stuff, needs. wants and my sweet husband.

So my dear, I would forgive myself and be glad I have a chance to continue and learn to really listen to that inner voice. We learn the most from the hardest times. Ask any of us!

We know what is going on on earth, how very hard it is, I honestly do my best, ask for forgivness and thank hp for the person I am.

So glad you are here! much love,debilyn

-- Edited by Debilyn on Thursday 7th of April 2011 03:35:53 PM

drummerchick423 · Senior Member

4th step is really hard. That's the one I'm on right now, too.

It's very difficult to take an inventory of your character defects without on some level going, DANG! I am really screwed up! Lol

I thikn that's why I'm treading verrry slowly.

Keep in mind, it's easy with hindsight, to see the bad choices you may have made in your relationship with the alcoholic. When you're in it, you can be blinded by the things you enjoy about the relationship. I can honestly admit, my exabf was there for me in a lot of ways. He was a good companion sometimes. He truly listened to me. If I mentioned something I was interested in, he'd look it up and learn more about it. I never really had anyone take an interest in my like that. also, the chemistry was incredible. So all of those things, made me rationalize away the damage that was being done by the alcoholism. I can certainly go easier on myself when I remember those things.Hey, we are all human. We all make mistakes, and we all are complicated emotionally--many deep, hidden reasons why we get in unhealthy situations that we often can't see at the time.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

gladysq,
Arn't we so fortunate that we have a program like Alanon to reveal so much about ourself.

I try to never look at things from a negative view point. We are not perfect beings by any means.

Remember to accept only the parts that we are responsible for and move on from there. If we dwell on it, then it also becomes a judgement
about the Alcoholic, who also had a part it in it. There were times I cursed my fate and wanted back all the years I spent with the A(we are apart).

BUT... then I recognized that I had a responsibility in it and also, there were many good times, even in the midst of the drinking, until it got so progressively
worse. Its not Alanon's plan to make you constantly aware of our flaws. Its only there as a guide to improve our conscious contact with our HP.

Keep coming back and as my friend Jerry says, practice, practice , practice.

Hugs, Bettina

mjhyankees · Senior Member

Boy this post could have come from me. I don't know if I'm learning acceptance or not but I"m learning to give myself some slack for bad choices I made.

1. I made bad choices but have to realize at the time I couldn't be sure if they were a bad choice or not. I made a choice that didn't work out but I still made a choice as opposed to being on the "sidelines" and doing nothing either way.

2. I didn't make a bad choice on purpose.

3. When I start to beat myself I think about what if this was my daughter who'd made a mistake, what would I do then? I try to picture my inner child (sounds corny, I know but it seems to work for me....the innocence of children i find very powerful) and treat him like I'd treat my daughter. With love, understanding and support. I KNOW that my daughter couldn't do anything right now that would make me angry with her. The worse her choice the more I'd want to comfort her. Of course she's 9...when she's a teen that may be another story....LOL :)

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

hi gladys. Listen there is nothing at all "wrong" with desiring a family, most of all human beings on this earth - desire them and have them and jump in without much fore-thoughts about it. It is the single most thing that will change your entire life more then anything else. Remember too, that it is a challenge under the best of circumstances, even with healthy people, so why plan to set out on your adventure of a family with someone that shows to you already, they cannot be there in a supportive emotional way.

It does have to do with acceptance but it also has to do with - understanding yourself - as in what is a deal breaker for you in a relationship? Can you stick to your boundaries and not take what the A (or others) are doing, personally? If not, then dive into alanon and work a solid program for you. When we do this, it can and often times does affect the people in our lives- but that is no guarantee that they will recover and gain sobriety. Sobriety and recovery is not just about being -dry- it is about working the program from an emotional and spiritual point of view. It is about learning to resepct, love and forgive the self and others.

It is not unreasonable to want a healthy partner, one that you can have "reasonalbe expectations about" - like going to work and being social, and being healthy and happy in every other and balanced way. It is however, unreasonalbe to expect an alcoholic, addict or anyone else who exhibits immature, irresponsible and reckless behavior. Falling down drunk and not paying your bills and barfing all over - that stuff is only marginally cute in college - it is not "cute" or even acceptable in the - real world.

As an adult, u do have choices. PIck someone to have kids with - in a selective way, find someone that does have emotional health and awareness. Someone who is not afraid to love you as you are and show you that. The A's are always going to try and push your needs, feelings and issues bc they cannot face their own.

As a kid, who grew up with emotionally unavailable parents - I am six years in this program for the second time, I have never had kids and I am now 43 years old and the stuff my alcoholic and codependent parents did to me in thier marraige - still hurts me and affects me to this day. I can barely take care of me, still. I am doing better in the emotional area but I have not worked in over 5 years. It is really hard to be "normal" when you come from that kind of chaos, dysfunction and emotional pain.

Please work a solid program for you and find your own happiness and peace before you set out to create and bring a new life into your home. Your kids wont love you for neglecting them. I went to a visit with my mom just a few months ago. I told her, how come you never took me to the doctor for my ADD-ADHD (bc she has it too and it runs her whole life) - she said, "I was and am still in denial of how much it ever affected you". Well, that is hard to accept even now. I know that is the truth but she just chose to over look it with no bones about it.

I explained to her that for her to ask me as a young child (6-12+) that I had to give up some aspect of myself or sacrifice some part of my being - for her was exploitive of me and my little being - it still hurts to this day. No kid should have to give up some part of themselves for adult people - the kid is not yet devloped enough to know what they are even sacrificing. That is a compromise too far and being emotionally neglected and having to sacrifice my young self -- well I am still in a lot of pain about that and I am still working on getting over it. The tragedy is it robs kids of their parents, and it robbed me of my sacred childhood. Growing up too early, being brought into adult situations (where you have to take care of the adult -happens all the time in alcholic families and it ruins lives).

Take your dreams of a family, work on finding your truth and getting your needs met in a healthy way, learn to detach with love from other's issues & feelings and live your life for YOU. Bc when u have a family you have to be ready to put you on the backseat and if you are not healthy emotionally- life will only get so much harder. Get a sponsor, learn to set and establish boundaries and see what HP has in store for you. I dont think a family is a bad idea, I only think you owe it to you and your unborn kids to do it in a healthy situation or suffer those consequences. Take care of YOU, whatever that loooks like! Accept people as they are, when they show you themselves- the first time.

-- Edited by kitty on Friday 8th of April 2011 09:11:38 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

We do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. Remember, you have not done anything that other people are not guilty of. Your character defects or offset by assets as well. Yes, you want them to change, you pray, you do all you can to be ready to change. This means to actually expose yourself to situations where you know you have no control and just keep doing the next right thing and handing the results over to your HP. You can only try your hardest. Progress and not perfection. Change will occur slowly and over time. These steps are a process and a way to live your life...it will fall into place just right, as long as you stay honest, open minded, and willing. Sounds like you are really trying and really working the program. That is actually a great thing. Good job.

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