The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things had been good around here. He was going to counseling with me, told me that I probably saved his life by getting the alcohol out of our lives, etc. Yet, I always knew in the back of my mind that it was too good to be true. I finally snooped(I know, bad idea) and found an open bottle. It just brings back all the hurt and the pain and frustration and I feel like we're back at square one. I could really use some prayer. My counselor hasn't been much help so I'm looking for a meeting to attend( I know, I should have just done this in the first place) and in the mean time I'm trying to bite my tongue but instead I keep marching around the house slamming cabinets, cleaning like a crazy person, and just generally making a fool of myself because I'm all ticked off, LOL!
I hear you and am sorry that this disease had invaded your home once again. While I was storming around cleaning, I tried saying the Serenity Prayer and the slogan Let Go and Let God They worked and I became calmer and my house was much cleaner
I am glad you will be attending a meeting. Breaking the isolation, sharing and learning new tools helped me to navigate theses dreadful waters.
Prayers on the way
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 7th of April 2011 02:18:30 PM
You say that you feel like "we're" back at square one. Why do you feel that YOU are back at square one with your recovery because HE is drinking? There have to be 2 different recoveries going on - and one recovery is not contingent upon the other. If he messes up and decides to change, great. But regardless, whether he's working his program or he's just "working" his program, you can work yours and feel better!!
I certainly understand the marching around slamming stuff - LOL! We talked about communication in a meeting on Monday night. I got a lot of good insight. In the past, I'd get quiet and pissy (for hours or days, usually), stew and get angrier and angrier by the minute, and eventually blow my top. When I would finally explode, I'd have an insane tantrum-like meltdown where I'd yell and scream and cry and not even make any sense. This behavior was pretty much all fear based, and in response to other people not doing what I wanted. Logically, I know this is totally unproductive. Fear isn't reality, it's projection. Not to mention, why am I mad because someone else didn't do what I wanted? I can't control other people. I am working very hard to change this behavior of mine. The words I don't say when I slam things around are very powerful - it's communication, whether it's verbal or not. It is not any fun to be on the receiving end of that behavior, but my slamming will not change the way someone else behaves. Ultimately, I'm the one that wastes the day being pissy and I'm the one that doesn't feel good mentally. It hurts ME to do this because I waste time that I could've used productively.
Can you get to a f2f meeting today? Despite what anyone else chooses to do on their recovery journey, you can proceed with yours. :)
The operative sentence here is when you said he said " You saved his life by getting the alcohol out of his life", sorry to say , it will never work as long as he depends on you to do it for him.
I have nothing against counseling, but AA and Alanon are the experts...
Hope you do find that Alanon meeting and go, we also have a chat room, meetings, everything for you to utilize.
Its difficult to do, but we must relinquish control of the alcoholic or we will go bonkers.
Keep coming back, when things are good or bad, we need Alanon and eachother for support.
Thank you all for the responses. I think I've already gone bonkers! I keep thinking that he and I are in this together. That he'll quit hiding it and doing it because he knows that I have a struggle with alcohol myself and that I can't have it in the house. So, what does he do? He brings it in the house??? I really feel that he's disrespecting me by bringing alcohol into the house when I told him that I am tempted by alcohol and that I prefer us to be a sober home, like we've been for the first 15 years of marriage. It just hurts.
I used to feel the hurt that you describe; I used to go sneak in the garage to find his stash and even document how much whiskey was missing and at what time I found it. Oh my gosh Yep! Your post brings back those crazy-making days. And I did it all to myself. He didn't.
I learned that what another does, does not have anything to do with me. Now I realize that this statement might seem so ridiculous. I did at one time. I recall the feeling of being irked when I'd post to describe what he was doing, and what I usually got was a something like this: He's going to do what he is going to do; what are YOU going to do? I cannot tell you how livid I was at first. But I stuck around this board and gradually I began to understand the statement.
I'm glad that I didn't document how much money my insurance and I have spent through co-payments on indidivual counseling. I could retire. Counseling did and continues to help. But it doesn't come close to what I've experienced since I've begun meetings.
Come on back and keep us updated. There are many wise souls that frequent this board. They've helped me immensely.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
There were many times I felt my hope was taken from me when I'd find out my A was drinking. I'd be in a good place thinking that we were on track, we'd had a enjoyable weekend, we were in this together, we were going to be okay. I was learning, I was biting my tongue, getting better at minding my own business. I was invested. I believed in my marriage. I believed in my family. I believed in my vows. We were going to be okay. We were on track and things were going good... and I'd stop by unexpectedly and BAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM he was drinking..... and BAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM all that I was feeling good about felt taken from me and I too felt back at square one, no longer having hope, no longer feeling good, no longer believing. And the grieving would begin again.
And then, like you, I realized that we never were in it together. I had painted the picture alone, because I wanted it so badly. We were never in it together. When I'd find him drinking, it was him, ruining the fantasy that I had created. No more. No less.
The grief each time, for me, became too much to bear. So I stopped. I stopped hoping. I stopped believing. I stopped fantasizing. And I got real about me. About what I needed. What I wanted. And how I was going to find happiness for myself in my life.
Well...I agree with all the sentiments about not losing your serenity over this. It would be better for you to detach a bit if you can. HOWEVER, if I recall he agreed to have no alcohol in the house. He violated your boundary and your agreement. Now you have to decide what to do about it. Yeah, it's better to respond than react. You don't want to just start screaming and what not. I do think the lying and violation of your boundaries is important.
I don't know what kind of boundaries and arrangements you can set up that would allow him to drink in the house...if that's even possible. It's up to you and him though whether or not you have to stick to your original rule, if he even CAN do that at the moment, or if you will set new boundaries.
Keep us updated and stay strong. Remember that it is pretty sad for him to feel like he has to hide alcohol and swig it in secret. That kind of deserves some pity if you think about it and that may quell your anger some when you really think about it.
Yep! Your post brings back those crazy-making days. And I did it all to myself. He didn't.