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It's been awhile since I have posted anything on here and find that I have missed sharing. I have come to a realization, I am a work in progress. Not that this is new but to me but I have not been working my program diligently as I had. So last night I found myself "teasing" my AH about his alcohol purchase. By teasing I was pointing out that he was willing to leave work to make that purchase, for fear of staying at work and the store being closed when he got off. I pointed out that he would only do this for his alcohol and not if let's say I had needed something from the store. It sounds silly I know but as I said I was teasing him. Well he got upset and said he didn't need me pointing out to him about his alcohol purchases. So what was I really trying to do? He did accuse me of trying to start a fight. Was I? I then told him that I was only "giving him a hard time" and teasing him. But after I got off the phone with him I had to ask myself, WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO DO? Why is it any of your business when and if he purchases his alcohol? I repremanded myself for my behavior because I was getting into his business joke or no joke. I try to keep my side of the street clean and that was NOT keeping it clean. It was actually me trying to be superior or something like that. I gave myself a hard time about that "joke" and reminded myself to mind my own business. I was very disappointed with myself but I am over that now and know that I was wrong and have moved on. But what a slap in the face I gave myself with the reality of his words to me. WOW!!!
Realizing that I need to be more vigilant with myself rather than him. I actually don't usually get in his business but something made me think I could last night and I don't know what it was. He's bought alcohol before, I guess it just surprised me that he left work to do it rather than going after work. But who cares, it's his choice not mine. So I have thought about it and have no clue what made me try to make a joke out of it. Any thoughts? I'd love to hear them because I am clueless and wish I had not done that.
Great work Wild...you didn't mention if you went on to finish the 10th step. No comment about the "teasing" cause I've been there and done that and it isn't such a subtle way of playing God or Warden and letting the alcoholic and myself know that I am still willing to let go of my life and try to fix theirs. I quit doing that because I found out there really wasn't anything funny about it. It shows my addiction.
That was a great post! I too have back tracked recently on that and had to ask for forgiveness yet agiain to my exAH for getting into his business about going out and all that entails! Nice reminder for me today!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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It sounds to me as if you have some anger about it all. And that would be no wonder. I know a lot of things that I decided to accept about my A weren't really all right with me. It's a challenge to find a mindset that allows you to accept something while keeping in mind that it's destructive and unwise. And lots of time my anger was really a helpful thing, because it reminded me that I shouldn't think that I deserved bad treatment or that I had no choice but to put up with it. I don't think I'm being clear here, but I think some residual anger is a healthy sign in us. It's what we do with that anger that matters -- whether we needle the alcoholic (not helpful) or use it to give us energy to make our own lives better (helpful). But really, leaving work early to get alcohol -- crazy! The fact that our A's are mired in this craziness -- crazier. It's all awful. That's why we need to work extra hard on our own recovery.
OMG, I so know what you're talking about. With my exbf, I not only engaged in teasing..I engaged in berating, criticizing, passive aggressive demeaning...yelling...threatening...ugh.
I know where it comes from. You just try ANYTHING you can think of, hoping SOMETHING will shake him. Something will make him realize what he's doing to himself and you.
But the CORE thing I learned in the program is the "you can't control it, you can't change it and you didn't cause it."
I'm not saying it's easy to keep your mouth shut, tho. Detachment is a wonderful thing if you can do it, but for me it was the hardest thing in the world. I just COULD NOT DO IT. I cannot watch someone I love so much, self-destruct.
I personally decided to walk away.
wildthang86 wrote:
It's been awhile since I have posted anything on here and find that I have missed sharing. I have come to a realization, I am a work in progress. Not that this is new but to me but I have not been working my program diligently as I had. So last night I found myself "teasing" my AH about his alcohol purchase. By teasing I was pointing out that he was willing to leave work to make that purchase, for fear of staying at work and the store being closed when he got off. I pointed out that he would only do this for his alcohol and not if let's say I had needed something from the store. It sounds silly I know but as I said I was teasing him. Well he got upset and said he didn't need me pointing out to him about his alcohol purchases. So what was I really trying to do? He did accuse me of trying to start a fight. Was I? I then told him that I was only "giving him a hard time" and teasing him. But after I got off the phone with him I had to ask myself, WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO DO? Why is it any of your business when and if he purchases his alcohol? I repremanded myself for my behavior because I was getting into his business joke or no joke. I try to keep my side of the street clean and that was NOT keeping it clean. It was actually me trying to be superior or something like that. I gave myself a hard time about that "joke" and reminded myself to mind my own business. I was very disappointed with myself but I am over that now and know that I was wrong and have moved on. But what a slap in the face I gave myself with the reality of his words to me. WOW!!!
Realizing that I need to be more vigilant with myself rather than him. I actually don't usually get in his business but something made me think I could last night and I don't know what it was. He's bought alcohol before, I guess it just surprised me that he left work to do it rather than going after work. But who cares, it's his choice not mine. So I have thought about it and have no clue what made me try to make a joke out of it. Any thoughts? I'd love to hear them because I am clueless and wish I had not done that.
The same thought entered my mind last night when my wife told me at 9:00 that she didn't realise she was out of Diet Mountain Dew and was going to the store to purshase some.......yeah right !!!......My favorite slogan "Don't React RLC" kicked in thank goodness.
Since I "do" know your personality and sense of humor better than most here on MIP I imagine your words just came out. Yep, I have been there and done that many times. I think it depends more on the mood our alcoholic is in at the time. I know there are times when I say something cute and we both laugh, and there are other times when I say something simular and I catch the wrath for my comment. I guess the bottom line is we never know whether we are dealing with the alcoholic or the person at the time......God walk with your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth, amen.
Put your paddle down and quit spanking yourself. Good awareness on your part, but most likely your husband put the guilt trip on you because he quickly realized even though you intended it to be a joke......and on another day might have laughed.......this time you were joking with the alcoholic and now your husband.
Double HUG, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 7th of April 2011 01:05:58 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 7th of April 2011 02:27:08 PM
"I pointed out that he would only do this for his alcohol and not if let's say I had needed something from the store."
When something similar has occurred in my relationship the above is the reason for my anger. I think the teasing may have been a way to let out your anger. For me the anger would've been related to the importance that alcohol has in his life. It comes first, to the extent that he'd leave work for it, sometimes it feels as though we're way down on the list of importance.
As a non alcoholic partner we have to work HARD to stick to our program! It's tough. I think there's little recognition for that in the relationship and sometimes it feels like your doing all the work while they still worship alcohol.
Thank you all for your support and comments. I just knew that I had to analyze my motives. Given that I uaually do not engage in this behavior but since I did I felt the need to come here and vent this situation and get feedback. Thank you all!!
Ohhh, man I relate to this. Sometimes I still find myself making "joking" comments - except that they are not funny. When I truly look at the motive, it is invariably either an attempt to control or a way to feel superior.
Thanks for your post, and your insight. It is a good reminder that I need to be aware of this behavior when it happens, and immediately make amends.
Dear Wildthang86. I am new here---and very puzzled. WHY are things that have an effect on the marriage NOT your business?? Is it more his marriage than yours? The goal of peace and happiness in a marriage with active addiction is giving me fits to try to understand. Just asking for clarification.
I think some people have been able to achieve peace and happiness in a marriage struck by addiction, but I don't think it's achievable without some sort of recovery program for the non-addicted spouse, whether that be al-anon meetings, CODA, working the steps, and/or getting therapy.
I was off and on with my exabf for 3.5 yrs. We didn't even really live together, and I simply couldn't do it anymore. My exabf is a functional alcoholic-he can keep a job and doesn't drink every day; he's a binge drinker. But when he binge drinks, he does really nutso things because he has serious psychological issues he's self-medicating. That's just not someone I could have for a partner anymore.
Otie wrote:
Dear Wildthang86. I am new here---and very puzzled. WHY are things that have an effect on the marriage NOT your business?? Is it more his marriage than yours? The goal of peace and happiness in a marriage with active addiction is giving me fits to try to understand. Just asking for clarification.
I don't see the point of pussy footing around issues with an active alcoholic either, but my boundary is different than others. If what you said is true, than I don't see a problem with it. If he can't hear the truth about his addiction, that is his problem.
I pointed out that he would only do this for his alcohol and not if let's say I had needed something from the store.
For me, that would be the whole point right there.
I'd be feeling hurt at another reminder of the importance of alcohol in his life over the importance of ME, so my "teasing" would actually be me fishing for some sort of (empty!) reassurance from him that he'd make the same sacrifice for my needs. Which is actually setting myself up for potential future disappointment, because we know that the disease comes first.
I tend to go fishing for reassurance a lot. And I always do it by subversive means, because it's soooo difficult for me to put my heart out there and say "it hurts me..." or "I need....".
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
