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Well I finally hit my breaking point lastnight and told my AH to leave. I'm tired of the lies and drinking and the toll this is taking on me (and my 2 small boys-who I HOPE haven't been affected yet). Last time we had and "episode" I told him if he wanted to stay in our house that he had to go to the Substance abuse classes (that he is required to go to in order to get his license fully reinstated) as well as the AA meetings they told him to go to. He agreed to that and stayed. Last week he told me he went to the meetings, but I found a receipt while cleaning up that had the date and time on it of when he was suppose to be in a meeting. I didn't confront him about because I knew it would lead to an argument and probably set back whatever efforts he was actually making. Yesterday he told me he was going to the golf course and then going to his meeting. I drove by the golf course and he was there-when he was suppose to be at a meeting. He even called me and told me that they were on break adn he was seeing how me and the boys were doing. When he got home I asked how his meeting went and he said, "fine I guess". I told him I knew he hadn't went to the meeting and that I knew he hadn't went to the meetings last week either. He admitted that he hadn't. So after the boys were both asleep, I told him I wanted him to find somewhere else to stay. He said right now and I said yes. He said he didn't have anywhere to go and laid the guilt trip on me, but I stayed firm and he finally left. I think he ended up staying with a friend of his lastnight. I still can't believe that it actually came to this, but I honestly don't feel like I had any other options at this point. I have threatened in the past and never followed through with it, but I can't continue to do this. I don't know where we will go from here. I'm am so sad. I cried myself to sleep lastnight and I am a basket case today to work. I look horrible-my eyes are so swollen and red from crying. I am honestly trying to be a big girl about this but it is hard. This is NOT what I wanted and NOT what I signed up for. I know the vows say for better or for worse, but they also say to honor and to cherish; he hasn't been honoring or cherishing me for a long long time now. So here we are.
Hi, Floridawife - glad you are here. I'm sorry you're going through the situation you are. I have been there.
Are you attending any meetings for yourself? Although we cannot control whether another person goes to meetings, we can certainly decide to choose recovery for ourselves. The people and resources you will find in the rooms of Alanon will be invaluable.
It was quite a while into my recovery before I understood that all of the A's lies were not personal. He wasn't lying to me to hurt me - he was lying (even to himself) because he was sick. I've come to understand that alcoholism is a mental, physical, and spiritual disease. Alcoholics that lie are not bad people - but are certainly sick people. This does not mean that an A gets a free pass when he or she is acting out, but means that I can choose to not take the behavior personally because it is simply not about me.
Yes I am going to meetings every Saturday. Without the meetings I don't think I could have made the decision to have him leave. I know it's not about me and that he is sick with the disease but it still feels personal to me. I can't get past the feeling that if the kids and I meant enough to him he would get help or try harder. I know it is the wrong frame of mind to have but I haven't figured out a way to get past it. I love him so much and I have put up with a lot from him, I just don't understand why he can't/won't do more for us as a family. I am trying to focus on myself and the boys. Hopefully this all gets better somehow someway.
"I can't get past the feeling that if the kids and I meant enough to him he would get help or try harder."
I know this feeling.
I broke up with my exbf for the last time a few months ago. It's very hard. The saddest feeling in the world, is feeling like the alcoholic doesn't love you and is willing to throw you away for ....what? for a very destructive addiction that's eventually going to kill him. Depressing, isn't it?
The thing is, this has nothing to do with how he values you or your kids or your family. It's how he values, or rather DEvalues himself.
My ex has some serious demons he is self-medicating with alcohol. Imagine if you had a horrible pain, and you THOUGHT that only this one thing could take away your pain. Now imagine someone trying to take it away from you. Wouldn't you be scared? Wouldn't you fight no matter what, to have that one thing you thought kept you from hurting so deeply?
That's the sick thinking an alcoholic engages in.
It plays out time and time again. I gave my ex an ultimatum - get sober or lose me. He chose to lose me. How many of us have the same story?? Unfortunately, honey, you are not unique. Hopefully that gives you some comfort, tho--these addictive behaviors are pretty textbook.
The only thing that has been proven to make an addict seek help is to face some serious negaitve consequences for their addiction. So long as you were putting up with the lies and letting him get away with his manipulation, you were enabling him. Kudos to you for summoning up the strength to hold your own boundaries and say enough! Be good to yourself and keep going to meetings..you will need them during this difficult time. I know I do. I miss my exbf like nobody's business but I do NOT miss the drama and pain he brought to my life. And unfortunately, so long as he is drinking, I can't have the good things without the bad. and the bad was harmful to me, so I am doing what I need to do, to take care of myself for once. Hang in there!
I have been there and I am glad you are going to Al-anon face to face meetings and coming here, it will get better as long as you focus on your recovery!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I have been there on both sides of this coin...The alcoholic drinks cuz they have so many "problems" and then they get more "problems" from drinking so much...over and over and over. Like groundhogs day...takes something real serious for even just a small percentage of addicts and alcoholics to finally want to get sober.
