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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Help
Post Info TOPIC: Help
Gailey


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As you know, in addition to my A son that I am always talking about on here, my younger son has a problem too. He is the one that is in the Navy and is in Guam right now while his daughter and wife are with me until the crisis in Japan is over. He has just recently went to a doctor in Guam about his uncontrollable drinking. He is a binge drinker and can usually go for about 2 or 3 weeks without drinking before another binge occurs. That has led him to believe he could stop on his own. I think he is beginning to see that he cannot stop these binges. He has been afraid to seek help as he really does not want this to go on his military record. I say screw the military record this is your family and future health we are talking about here. I think the record would serve better showing that you have sought help then to show you got arrested for some disorderly conduct.

Here is where I need help. His wife is Japanese. I know that her father would have been considered an A in the eyes of an American. I think he prob died from an illness that was caused by heavy drinking and smoking. She really doesn't know what the word Alcoholism means. She thinks he can just be strong and stop for his family. She has made the statement that he should stop if he knows he will not see her or his children again. They have another baby on the way in August no First of all that statement has ticked me off. I wanted to say to her that just because Jeff is an A doesn't mean that he will not see his children again because she says so. I didn't say it. I told her I would try to sit and explain to her what aism is. It sounds to me like she thinks because he went to a doctor that he has gotten help and should be able to stop. I believe he just went to a reg doctor and he told him he needed to seek more help. I am thinking AA but I have not talked to him yet.

I have so much stuff going on in my life right now that I don't know if I can take on trying to explain to her about it. Not only did my dil and gd come here from Japan but she brought another military wife who is also Japanese and does not speak english, her 6 month old baby who cries all the time and a big yellow lab dog. OMG!!!! I might be losing it soon!!! Thank God I have a 1 bedroom apartment attached to my house that the other girl is staying in but each time she comes over to my house the big dog comes with her. My house is like a small cottage house with 2 bedrooms and 1 bath.

Don't get me wrong...I am sooooooo grateful to be spending time with my gd and dil and she prob would not have come if she had to travel without someone she knew to come with her. I am grateful that I have a safe haven for the friend too. I just really don't want to deal with explaining the disease to her. She is a little stubborn. When she found out the new baby was going to be a boy and my son had made her angry by drinking and she wanted to punish him she would not tell him it was a boy and would not let him see the daughter on skype. I was angry. I had to explain to her that it was not Julia's fault that daddy was drinking and that she really was punishing her too by not letting her see daddy on the computer. She listened but only changed her mind when she was ready. My husband was livid.

What kind of info should I give her? I really don't want to overwhelm her but would like to explain the basics to her about it being a disease (which I truly believe) and that him being strong or maybe losing his family cannot stop him from drinking. I really don't want her to believe that he would not do that for them because if that would help him to stop then many people would be able to stop.

Sorry this is so long but hoping someone can give me some guidance.

Love, Gail



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Gail
Debilyn


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Just taking all this in made my head spin! I just cannot imagine how you feel!

So hon what happened to taking our own inventory? What are you doing for you? Are you able to get to meetings?

Is it our job to explain to them? Besides that you are dealing with a huge cultural difference. We can say things that mean the opposite to her.

I am thinking all of what we learn in Al Anon is what will help you. Her and her husband have their own life. If they were together not living in your home, they would deal with things however they would.

But right now it is too close. It's natural that you and your husband might get too into their stuff. But using Al Anon tools it may be easier.

They are adults have a child and another coming. The dynamics of their relationship is their own.

My son's wife is A. I listen, if he asks I tell him what I have learned. It is up to him to figure things out. Its not my job to convince him or explain anothers behavior.

Our kids marry who they do, it's up to them to work on their marriage, and or work thru difficulties.

The serenity prayer tells us to "accept the things I cannot change." We cannot change anyone but ourself hon. Nothing we say or do can convince anyone, they have to convince themselves.

Unil the dil decides to figure things out for herself,nothing we say is going to make any difference.

I am guessing he pays her way and the other has income. Maybe they could get their own little place? Myself I know I would not be able to live with a baby crying. We all have different ways of raising kids. (I don't believe in ignoring a baby crying. For our experience has taught us,(my friends)to pick them up, hold them, they turn out more secure people. Which they all have)

For me I have boundaries as far as what I need to feel comfy in my home. No smoking, no profanity, no tracking in mud,no dogs unless you ask, (I love to have them, just need to put mine in my bedroom)

Did you guys have a meeting about what was acceptable and what is not?This can easily be another cultural bumping of the heads.Its very ok to tell people you don't allow any other dogs in your home. (not sure if you have one or not)

I have heard from others, that their view on drinking is not like here.

With all Japan is going thru, we may see more and more of them coming here to live. I hope we all can share with each other and learn how to do that peacefully.

Just like you, I would hope for a meeting of the minds, doing our best to set boundaries, so neither culture will be offended. Need lots of compromise.

I wonder if it would help to find a bilingual counselor to help you all to work on understanding each other? They can help with the cultural differences too.

I am so sad that all this is coming down you, my friend. It could be such a great time to spend with dil and baby.

I am thinking too, the culture seems more family cohesive, that maybe others in the family would be helping with the baby. I mean the friends baby.She may not know how to.

But again look at how addiction has reached clear to your home from so far away! Meetings might be very helpful for her too. Literature can be gotten in Japanese I am sure.

I am praying you drag out your tools. The situation may be different yet addiction is the same wherever it is. The tools are the same too.

You are working on doing what, I hate to use the word, normal mil would do. However this is an addiction situation. Like our marriage to A is different, our relationships with the dil and ext. family is different too. As you said, she needed the other gal to be with her.

Hope you keep coming here and letting it out. I love it when I see you are posting. If you ever need to pm or more I am here for you! love,debilyn



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Jerry F


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Gailey...check with WSO and see if they havsmilee the literature in Japanese.  Indications are that it exist however I couldn't find a link to actually Japanese translation.   ((hugs))smile



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Christy


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I'm wondering if watching a movie like "When a man loves a woman" (Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia) would help her understand the struggle...



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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them.  And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Gailey


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Below is an email I got from someone I found on the internet while looking for Alanon literature in Japanese. I was able to open the website and sent it to my dil's inbox. I am very grateful for Alanon and all their members. I think this might help my dil alot.

Hello, Gail,

Thank you for writing. I understand your concern, and good for you to try to help your daughter-in-law understand your son's condition. 
Japanese Al-anon can be reached here: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/japan.html
There may be a problem reading the web page on your computer. But there should be at least an email address which she can use to communicate with them, should she choose to.
In general, Japanese cultural perceptions of alcohol abuse and alcoholism are quite different from those in America and other western countries. It can make getting the message across difficult. 
Depending on her English ability, attendance at an English-language meeting might be a good thing. Even if nothing comes of it immediately, it could plant a seed. 
Where are you? I'm from the Los Angeles area and I know that years ago there was a Japanese language Al-anon group there. Find out what is available close to you. 
Again, thanks for writing. We wish you all the best.
John G.  


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Gail
Gailey


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that is a good idea, Christy. I just watched that movie not too long ago.



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Gail
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