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Hi, I've been lurking on here for a while. My story is.. 3.5 yrs off and on with my exbf. We broke up quite a few times...most of the time it was over alcohol.
He has never EVER been able to swear off drinking altogether. He can not drink as MUCH..he can go for a while not getting drunk in front of me...but eventually, he always wants to spend more time apart which I usu translate as --he wants to go back to the bars. When I met him he was drinking all the time but I didn't realize it, because we didn't live together. We lived far away from each other.
After a while, the drinking became a problem. I would talk to him about it til I turned blue. There was always some excuse why he was drinking, that he promised wouldn't be a problem in the future.
HA! I laugh about it now. Because 3.5 yrs later, all those excuses are gone, but the drinking persists.
During drinking episodes, I had my phone smashed. I had to talk the cops out of arresting him (I wish I hadn't.)
On his birthday last year, he had a drunken tantrum. Threatened me, threw things at me...etc. I thought that was my bottom. My last straw.
3 months later we got back together and he promised to not drink around me. Only at his own home, and in moderation. And he wasn't going to bars. That worked for a while. Til an alcoholic friend of his from high school moved out here.
I was dreading that. I just knew he was going to get back into going to the bar, and he did. He was sneaky about it, the very first night his friend came back.
I withdrew out of fear of what that would lead to, and he broke up with me. He immediately went into hardcore drinking mode. I mean, I still tried to make things work with him but knew it was hopeless because just as I suspected, he was partying it up with his new/old friend. I even tried to maintain a working rel'ship with him (I had brought him into my business at one point, to do photography)..he showed up at a photo shoot smelling like booze from the night before.
Last time I saw him was that incident. That was March 5th. I went to my therapist, who told me to tell him, not to contact me until and unless he gets sober.
I did that. I haven't heard anything from him since then.
I know I am codependent. I'm going to meetings. I know I was addicted to him.
I am just in so much pain. I would have thought that more than a month on, I'd be feeling better. But I still think of him constantly. I still miss him. He's not a bad person. He has a lot of good qualities. I miss his affection and having him to talk to.
I try to just focus on myself and my own recovery but I can't stop thinking about him sometimes. I know no one here has any answers.
He may never get sober, and that breaks my heart, and I just have to deal with it. I honestly do not miss the drama and the traumatic situations his drinking put us in, but I miss all the good things about him. This disease is so horrible!!
Glad you decided to stop by....this disease makes it difficult to live what you might call a normal life. Not talking a perfect one, but there is nothing wrong with wanting a drama & chaos free life. We are entitled to a happy and serene existence.
One thing I have learned, from being married to the A for many years, we are apart now for over 2 years, but since he has been sober we are in contact and remain friends. But my boundary is he has to be sober, so for the first 2 years we hardly had any contact, he has been sober for 3 months now and he has a new job. This is because he is in a sober living home and its the best thing he has ever done for his life and also he attends AA meetings, which he has for 3 years, but nothing affected his drinking like the sober house, and most importantly, he made the decision, we cannot force sobriety.
He has been drinking all his life, he is 57, he has been to Hell and back many times. He should have died at least 7 or 8 times, I knew he wouldnt because the Universe wasnt done with him.
Enough of the alcoholic, what about us? I had many rough years and years of staying in my bedroom and only leaving to go to work, just not to participate in the craziness. Alanon didnt come easy to me. It took many years to catch on and practice. I finally learned that I had to do it for me. Not for the A, but for me. Then it started to work. I cannot stress to you the importance of having a program and really working it. It will be the single hardest thing you will ever do for your life. But so worth it. Nothing worth anything comes easy in this life, but those face to face Alanon meetings will give you so much more than the Alcoholic ever could.
keep coming back and dont forget, practice, practice, practice. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 7th of April 2011 03:18:58 AM
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 7th of April 2011 03:20:42 AM
Thanks! Yeah, nothing about that life was normal. And I knew it, because I've had peace and normalcy in the past, and this relationship was not it. I mean, my TRUE bottom was listening to him put his gun in his mouth over the phone to me.
I know I am doing al-anon for me. I know I'm working the program for me. And I think, what about me, all the time. It's like my ex never "got" what all that craziness was doing to me. He seemed totally mystified that I would banish him from my life if he couldn't get sober.
In the beginning, I was sad because I feared for him--it was all about him. Now it's not about that. I know I have to let go and can't worry about his outcome. I think it's more about me feeling lonely and missing the good things I can no longer have, since the bad things became SO unbearable. I know it will just take time.
I'm glad your husband got sober. I have a friend who's been an alcoholic for over 20 years. I'm frankly amazed he is still alive, knowing how he used to drink in his 20s. My ex is in his 20s. I suppose he could still have a long way to go, and I need to just not think about that.
Bettina wrote:
Hi Drummerchick,
Glad you decided to stop by....this disease makes it difficult to live what you might call a normal life. Not talking a perfect one, but there is nothing wrong with wanting a drama & chaos free life. We are entitled to a happy and serene existence.
One thing I have learned, from being married to the A for many years, we are apart now for over 2 years, but since he has been sober we are in contact and remain friends. But my boundary is he has to be sober, so for the first 2 years we hardly had any contact, he has been sober for 3 months now and he has a new job. This is because he is in a sober living home and its the best thing he has ever done for his life and also he attends AA meetings, which he has for 3 years, but nothing affected his drinking like the sober house, and most importantly, he made the decision, we cannot force sobriety.
He has been drinking all his life, he is 57, he has been to Hell and back many times. He should have died at least 7 or 8 times, I knew he wouldnt because the Universe wasnt done with him.
Enough of the alcoholic, what about us? I had many rough years and years of staying in my bedroom and only leaving to go to work, just not to participate in the craziness. Alanon didnt come easy to me. It took many years to catch on and practice. I finally learned that I had to do it for me. Not for the A, but for me. Then it started to work. I cannot stress to you the importance of having a program and really working it. It will be the single hardest thing you will ever do for your life. But so worth it. Nothing worth anything comes easy in this life, but those face to face Alanon meetings will give you so much more than the Alcoholic ever could.
keep coming back and dont forget, practice, practice, practice. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 7th of April 2011 03:18:58 AM
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 7th of April 2011 03:20:42 AM
I could see so much of myself in your post. The deals the A and I would make - my gosh, it was utter chaos right from the beginning. He'll only drink on weekends. He won't drink around me. He'll only drink after our son is in bed. With each new deal would come my hope that it was the answer to some sanity in our lives. Of corse it never was. Because the truth was, he'll only drink, until he is personally ready to NOT drink anymore.
After 2 and a half years of separation, i have only just recently seen a glimpse of sanity in dealing with him (we have a 6 yr old son) and that is because he is in a treatment centre and he is sober almost 90 days. He decided on his own, after solid months of no contact from me, that his life needed to change.
In reflecting upon our relationship I would have always said that as a strong and independant woman, there was no way that I was codependant or addicted to him. However, I realize that I was. I was always so caught up in him and his flaws, that I really didn't have anything left to give myself. I have learned some ways to keep the focus on myself. I am now on a journey of self awareness and it will help me become the person I want to be and lead me to the life I want to have.
Yup! So much bargaining and negotiation, and he could never keep his promises, anyway. On top of the drinking, he did coke in the beginning. With hindsight I'm sure the cocaine was to enable him to keep drinking all night...that is some scary stuff.
There was no way to focus on myself-I felt like I was always putting out fires, or trying to recover from the LAST traumatic drunken temper tantrum..I have to say, I am very glad to be away from all of that. It's crazy isn't it, how we think when we're not in al-anon. We think, things will be perfect if only ... if only...just hoping they will wake up and smell the coffee but I know from seeing other people dealing with this disease, very often the alcoholic does not even CONSIDER his problem until you're out of the picture.
I didn't leave my ex for him..I did it for me...but if by chance losing our relationship at some point hits home to him that his drinking IS reaping negative consequences in his life, then that would be great.
Rora wrote:
I could see so much of myself in your post. The deals the A and I would make - my gosh, it was utter chaos right from the beginning. He'll only drink on weekends. He won't drink around me. He'll only drink after our son is in bed. With each new deal would come my hope that it was the answer to some sanity in our lives. Of corse it never was. Because the truth was, he'll only drink, until he is personally ready to NOT drink anymore.
After 2 and a half years of separation, i have only just recently seen a glimpse of sanity in dealing with him (we have a 6 yr old son) and that is because he is in a treatment centre and he is sober almost 90 days. He decided on his own, after solid months of no contact from me, that his life needed to change.
In reflecting upon our relationship I would have always said that as a strong and independant woman, there was no way that I was codependant or addicted to him. However, I realize that I was. I was always so caught up in him and his flaws, that I really didn't have anything left to give myself. I have learned some ways to keep the focus on myself. I am now on a journey of self awareness and it will help me become the person I want to be and lead me to the life I want to have.
I went to my therapist, who told me to tell him, not to contact me until and unless he gets sober.
There is an awesome quote from Toby Rice Drews, the author of the 'Getting Them Sober" series of books, where she says:
"nobody has the right to tell you to leave your A, not even your therapist"
Now, that being said, I would hope that your therapist had good & honorable intentions, and was guiding you accordingly... The reality is that nobody really CAN tell you what you "should" do... My way of looking at these things is more from a step back - IF your bf were to commit to a program of recovery, so that the two of you could have a good relationship together - now THAT would tell me something, and it would be a huge positive. The unfortunate circumstances of your situation is that his actions (or inactions) on his own recovery front, speak volumes about where he is right now, and how committed he is to your (or any) relationship, aside from his relationship with the bottle.
Keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks. I did not see any hope towards recovery with my ex...just a continuing barrage of empty words.
I mean, the DAY before he showed up at my photo shoot, smelling of booze, he said he was no longer the immature person he'd been before he met me, and that he was setting boundaries with an alcoholic friend who he'd started partying hard with (he always has these alcoholic "friends" around him who I think their purpose is to let him convince himself "hey, I'm not THAT bad"!
So, nothing he said meant jack, when I'm standing there smelling booze all over him. I was tired of the manipulation.
The guy put a GUN in his MOUTH and threatened suicide over the phone with me, in a drunken angry tirade, yet...his last comment to me about going to therapy was, "I guess I'll check in every once in a while. "
Really? You were suicidal, and you're just going to "check in"...hmm. Yeah, no sign of recovery there, or perhaps I would've stayed.
canadianguy wrote:
I went to my therapist, who told me to tell him, not to contact me until and unless he gets sober.
There is an awesome quote from Toby Rice Drews, the author of the 'Getting Them Sober" series of books, where she says:
"nobody has the right to tell you to leave your A, not even your therapist"
Now, that being said, I would hope that your therapist had good & honorable intentions, and was guiding you accordingly... The reality is that nobody really CAN tell you what you "should" do... My way of looking at these things is more from a step back - IF your bf were to commit to a program of recovery, so that the two of you could have a good relationship together - now THAT would tell me something, and it would be a huge positive. The unfortunate circumstances of your situation is that his actions (or inactions) on his own recovery front, speak volumes about where he is right now, and how committed he is to your (or any) relationship, aside from his relationship with the bottle.
I can very much relate to your story, and I can feel your pain. My heart breaks reading your share because I know that feeling you have in your stomach. It sounds like my bf and yours are very much alike. I have a hard time not responding to his drinking. I admire you for walking away, I am not that strong yet. And I know that you don't miss the drama and it feels like you can breathe without worrying about him - but the missing him sometimes takes over those feelings. I just started going to meetings about three months ago....things are starting to look a little better. Some days are really hard and others are great. I hope that reading some of the literature helps you and that you do whats best for you and what makes you happy...not what makes him happy or everyone else happy. I also don't think its right that your therapist told you not to speak with him. He's been a part of your life for 3.5 years, your feelings arent just going to go away over night!
