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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> shelter for someone who doesn't want to quit
Post Info TOPIC: shelter for someone who doesn't want to quit
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shelter for someone who doesn't want to quit
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I know someone who is currently living with his elderly parents but they can no longer handle him when he has been drinking. They feel like they're enabling him by providing him with a home regardless of his actions, but they cannot in good concience turn him out with nowhere to go. He cannot afford to live on his own, and he isn't capable of looking after himself when he isn't sober. They have tried CAMH and similar shelters for people with addictions but he always ends up leaving because they don't allow him to stay there and continue to drink. Since he says that he does not intend to stop drinking, they cannot find anywhere for him to stay. He needs a safe place to live until he decides to get sober, but there doesn't seem to be anywhere like that out there. They're at the end of their rope, does anyone have any suggestions?



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canadianguy


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I don't know of anything, aside from jail, that would accomodate him.... 

Tom



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drummerchick423


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Personally, I think they are right that they're enabling him. Not to mention, what kind of life do they have for themselves, dealing with his drama?

People who think they are doing their loved ones a favor by letting them live with them while drinking are only enabling. They're not helping, IMO. Kicking him out on the street will make him face the consequences of his actions and just might help him reach his bottom.

Unfortunately, they're preventing him from reaching his bottom by letting him live there. That's just my opinion.

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Bettina


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Username,

Thats a difficult situation, sounds like the Parents need Alanon....

There is no public, city or government housing that allows them to live there and drink.

Maybe he needs to spend sometime in the streets to find out that a sober living home wouldnt be so bad after all.

All my best, Bettina

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Bettina
GailMichelle


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Does this couple know about Al-Anon?  Without a doubt, they would benefit from attending meetings regularly. 

I lived with alcoholism for 30+ years.  It was Hell some of the time, and total Hell the last 6 years of it.   I didn't find Al-Anon until "after" I decided to divorce (June 2010). 

 The past month or so, I began attending Al-Anon meetings as a last resort because I realized I had all these unsolved issues; I'm beginning to realize  that I went through a lot of Hell needlessly. 

Al-Anon isn''t about "fixing" the alcoholic, because only the alcoholic can fix him or herself.  I refused to believe that for a long, long time; As a result, I had  beaten myself to a pulp and was so exhausted from trying to cure him.  (The self beatings lasted for over 20 years - so unnecessary.) My attempts to fix him only made things worse (this is hindsight talking).

I've only attended a handful or so meetings, and surprisingly I've discovered that the lightbulb  gets brighter and brighter after each Al-Anon meeting that I attend.  I keep thinking:  All the books on alcoholism that I read and reread countless times are correct.  I can only take care of myself.  I can't fix him.  Place the focus on me.  I recall that I felt so selfish if I did any of those things because, after all,  my loved one was sinking.  But now, I hear members of Al-Anon share their experiences and realize the books were absolutely right on. 

Books on alcoholism were helpful; individual counseling for countless years was/is helpful.  Al-Anon meetings is the glue that helps me put myself back together and be the person that I want to be.



-- Edited by GailMichelle on Thursday 7th of April 2011 10:40:31 AM

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Debilyn


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You are very kind to be trying to help these people. They are right however, they are helping the disease to kill him.And the disease is making them sick also.

If they can go to al anon meetings that would help lots. A book to open their eyes is,"Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews.

He does not have any desire to quit becuz he is having all his needs met. When he, being controlled by the disease, has to find food, water a place to stay, a bathroom, warmth believe me the hope of him getting some help will become more a priority.We take away their chance of getting help when we baby them.

Hope things turn out ok. love,deb



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Ness


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Hi Username, welcome to MIP.

I too have an alcoholic son.

So often those of us who live with alcoholics isolate and become lonely and fearful.....if there are Alanon  meetings locally these parents can attend they will find empathy, love and support  along with the tools and literature to enable them to make decisions for their own health and serenity. If they could find a beginners meeting Im sure it would be a good start.

In Alanon I have learned to detach with love from my sons disease and no longer enable him. I learned to set boundaries for my own health and serenity and gave him the choice of respecting and living within these boundaries or the consequence was leaving to live elsewhere.

It took me months in Alanon to find the courage and faith to do this, and I work this programme to the best of my ability to keep this strength and faith. Its not easy, but it works if you work it and my life is better now than it was, so Ill keep on keeping on!!

My son couldnt live around the boundaries placed, drink was in control...... so he left, found himself emergency accommodation (alcoholics are very cunning and a lot more resilient than you think, they usually know where to find a bed) which then put him into the system. There are people out there whose job it is to help homeless people with addiction, and in me letting go help came from unknown places.

My son has gone through 3 rehabs to date and periods in a sober living house but also periods living on the street. He has recently started drinking again, he is very sick physically, emotionally and spiritually, but has a roof over his head and he knows he can pick up his AA programme when (if) he is willing to change.

We have always maintained contact, he knows his family love him, but he and he alone owns the consequences of his choices.

In Alanon we learn the 3Cs..... We didnt Cause it, we cant Control it and we cant Cure it.

Its tough love for sure, but until the alcoholic takes responsibility for their actions, nothing changes if nothing changes.

In support

Ness



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pinkchip


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It sounds like he has been given plenty of choices for where he can live, yet he is the one dictating all the circumstances and everyone else is feeling bad cuz of HIS choice to continue being an active alcoholic. He has their house to live in, he can go to rehab, he can live on the street. Those are all HIS choices. Nobody deserves a place where they can get free rent and drink all day. That is not the real world and nobody needs to feel that they should enable that. It totally totally totally sucks that they would be in this position (his parents) but it sounds to me like the best option is the street for him....Yeah...he could die on the street and they would feel bad, but he could also continue to terrorize them in their home and die anyhow so what better is that? But this is for them to decide and not us :(

If he is a danger to himself, there are some options to declare him incompetent and have him hospitalized, but they won't keep him forever.

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