"For better or WORSE" that was the vow... - Al-Anon Family Group

roonpugs · Member

"For better or WORSE" that was the vow...

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I read in an Al-anon book somewhere that when I got married I thought the vows said for better or worse, but somehow I signed up for just the worse part! I laughed so hard and related. I wish I remembered which book, but at this point I am reading so many and reciting them and applying them. I love my soon to be exAH too much still, but I knew I had a breaking point and it had been broken and now it's time to just focus on me and my kids. I Let Go and Let God! I tried to find a way to be at peace living with the insanity of alcoholism, but I was unable to handle it. Some people are able to handle it and even enjoy life as I read tonight. Meetings have been most helpful to me as far as hearing other people and how they handle living with alcoholism.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, it just became abundantly clear when enough was enough. I definitely brought that question to my HP plenty of times, however.

Chelle3 · Veteran Member

Well the vows say to honor and cherish too. I do take it day by day too.

My AH is high functioning and does honor and cherish me now, not so much a month ago.

After living with him through a HORRIBLE 6 month sort of nervous breakdown I have decided my boundaries. Here are mine:

I will not be verbally abused (never had any physical abuse). I will not tolerate blame shifting. If he started blameshifting again I will tell him he/we need to get help immediately or I would leave. I just won't go through that mental stress again.

He's not a sloppy drunk. 90% of the time you can't tell he's drinking. If he became a sloppy drunk in front of our daughters I would leave. I don't want them to live with seeing their dad out of control.

My boundaries might seem harsh, but I've lived though a lot in the past 6 months, we were almost divorced and I know that I will be OK on my own. I won't live through that again. It was too painful.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha is very wise! I should have first said take it to your HP. I always take things to God and pray about it and wait for my answers before I take any action. God has answered me in many different ways. F2F meetings and a sponsor are very helpful too.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I've come to believe that there is more than one kind of death so for me, till death do us part refers to the death of the marriage; the death of everything the marriage was supposed to be. It's a contract, you promise to love, honor, cherish and obey in exchange for being loved, honored, cherished and obeyed - when one party renigs on the contract, it becomes null and void.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
It was said to me that my hubby walked away from the marriage long before I even knew anything was wrong. I did not end up leaving him, but it sure helped with detachment. It really helped with the guilt of wondering if I was doing enough. "Is there one more thing I should do?"

As far as leaving him, I still ask my HP that every day. I'm sure that what others told me will be true. They said, "when you know, you can't think of anything else." So I have stayed where I am.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

My view is that sometimes staying with him is worse for him as well as for us. It gives him a soft landing and keeps him from feeling the real-life consequences of his actions. It's like he has a built-in enabler to help him keep getting sicker. If we're really determined to maximize his chances of living through alcoholism, we won't insist that the relationship being "intact" (if you can call two people living in turmoil in the same house "intact) -- anyway, we won't insist that the relationship being "intact" is worth more than the mental health of the alcoholic.

In my case I think "I won't abandon my sacred vows" was a mask for "I am too scared to be on my own and too addicted to him to take care of myself." But everyone has a different situation and different motivations.

kathyc · Newbie

I am raising two boys to be men someday and do not want them in this enviorment anymore.

The example they see of a marriage is sad and not normal. I understand all marriages have problems and have told them this.

It's not fair to show them one person's life and needs are more important than the other 3 in the house.

I feel that is a huge priority for me to get out now.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

In my first marriage, it just became abundantly clear when enough was enough - like Aloha said. It took me a long time to decide that I was worthy and deserving of respect, and that I did not deserve abuse. When I got to the point where I understood and believed that, I made the decision that I would not tolerate that behavior anymore and set boundaries. When it became clear that the other person would not respect my boundaries, I made the decision to leave.

In my recovery, I've evaluated how I've "stood by" the alcoholics in my life. They didn't ask me to do the things I did - nobody asked me to bring water and aspirin for a hangover, nobody asked me to call in sick or make excuses, nobody asked me to make dinner and do all the household chores, nobody asked me to make sure the bills were paid, etc. I took on all those things myself - just started doing them because I felt they needed to be done. I got more and more resentful because things weren't equal, but nobody made me do the things I had unilaterally decided were my responsibility. I even continued my caretaking behavior after my AH got sober, which was 2 years ago now. I continued to feel like i was giving more than he was because I WAS - but it was MY problem. When I became aware that I was taking care of things that weren't my responsibility, and stopped taking care of things that were not my responsibility, my attitude got a lot better and I was way less resentful. This has made my marriage so much better. It has made my AH's experience better too, because I treat him as a partner now. Before, I just treated him like another of my children.

tealexis · Member

roonpugs wrote:
I'd like to think that if the rolls were reversed and I was the alcoholic my husband would stand by me as I am him. But the question for myself is how far will I personally take these vows? What would be my breaking point? Does anyone living with an alcoholic ever define this "breaking point" and stick to it or do I just take it day by day as to how much I can handle? So many questions... Lot's to learn...
There are some things I will NOT tolerate in my marriage to my AH. One is if he has cheated (which he hasn't) and two is if he physically abused me. I came to Alanon 2.5 yrs ago after 30 yrs of marriage because he seemed out of control since he retired. It was the best thing to happen to me. Hope this helps.
And yes, my husband has stood by me through my depression. However, I did seek counseling and go onto meds. He has made some adjustments with his drinking. My boundary worked not to accept his drunken verbal abuse or provoking. He abides by it.

supermom · Veteran Member

I have often thought that maybe I am one of the last people who actually believes that vow. My current counselor has even asked why I have never left my AH. I told her that my vows were for better or for worse. Divorce is not an option for me. That is just what I believe for myself.

There was one time when I had the thought that maybe things would be easier if I were on my own with my kids. Shortly after, my AH went away to rehab and I saw how difficult being a true single parent is. Although he wasn't doing a whole lot to help out, it sure was harder to be the only parent. It made me appreciate the little things that he was doing. I also learned from it how strong I am.

White Rabbit, you totally described me! I also have taken on a lot more than my share of the duties just because things needed to be done. Yes it led to resentment. It took me a long time to realize that I have to ask for help from my husband instead of just being mad that he is not doing more. I am hoping to achieve more of a balance between our roles. And you are so right that no one ever asked me to do everything that I am doing. And yes it has probably made things a lot easier for him. I have enabled unintentionally.

So, I keep working the steps and going to meetings. I find it helpful sometimes to talk to other members who are happily married. It helps to hear there E, S, and H. It makes me hopeful to hear that someone else's husband has been sober for 20some years.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.