I've had a really interesting experience over the last month and thought I'd share. (It's long, sit down with a good cup of coffee or something.)

A few weeks ago, I met a guy while hanging out with my boss. We didn't hit it off right away, just kept stealing glances at each other the night we met. I didn't think too much of it - was definitely wondering about my "broken picker" and suspecting that if I was attracted to the guy, there's a good chance he's alcoholic (and for those who know my story, I was also a bit paranoid he could be closeted gay).

In any case, a few days later my boss handed me his phone number saying he'd asked her if she could pass his number over to me. I was certainly flattered (I definitely thought he was attractive), but also a bit freaked out. I took my time and had a good phone call with my sponsor about it and then eventually called and left him a message.

HP was sending me signs from the very beginning. The day we were supposed to meet was when the tsunami hit (and where I live in Hawaii was the area that got hit the hardest out of all the island chain - thankfully not catastrophic like Japan, but several businesses were severely damaged and a lot of homes, too - fortunately no injuries.) You'd think I'd have taken it as being a bad idea, but nooo... we got together later that evening and of course hit it off because we chatted about the tsunami and took a stroll along the areas that got hit to see the damages.

All this time, however, I did keep bringing this new relationship to God, asking "Okay, what's your plan here? What do you want me to see in this? How can I be of service to you?"

We went out on a few more dates after that, despite some red flags that were just waving at me. I did tell him I attend Al-Anon and gave him a brief picture of what I'd gone through with my exAH. He let me know that he likes to drink and have at least a couple every day, saying "I like to remove myself from reality just a little." (Which had me thinking quietly to myself... "Just what in reality is it that you're trying to remove yourself from?")

Another red flag came when we went out to dinner one night. He seemed distant, maybe nervous, but definitely really quiet and didn't open up too much. I had a suspicion it was because he was waiting for his next drink. You know, "restless, irritable, discontent." Sure enough, we went for a drink at a tiki bar (he orders the strongest one on the menu... good grief, I tried a sip and I swear it grew hair on my tongue!) and then he started to loosen up and get really chatty. Later that evening when we were saying good-bye, he suggested we get together the next day.

Again, every day I prayed to my HP to show me what HP wanted with this new encounter.

We made plans to get together the following day after my Al-Anon meeting. I sent him a text after the meeting checking if we were still on for the night, meanwhile my Al-Anon friends all went to a local frozen yogurt place for some fellowship and I was of course invited. I found myself fretting over whether I should join my Al-Anon friends or not because I was supposedly getting together with the guy after. I decided to join my Al-Anon friends, but was completely not present the whole time, waiting to hear a text message chime on my phone. It came a half hour after mine... "Sorry, accepted an invitation to go Karaoke with a friend."

*Forehead slap*

Red flag #3: Active alcoholics are rarely reliable. I'm pretty sure he couldn't remember our plans at all after drinking, anyhow.

I felt pretty irritated at first with him, but then felt really sheepish and did a little self-kicking for being completely distracted and not being present for my Al-Anon friends because I was awaiting some text from the guy. And of COURSE he changed his plans. I did some journaling that night and gave my sponsor another phone call. We talked a lot about those Red Flags and learning to listen to that "quiet knowing" in the pit of my stomach that comes from my HP that this is likely not a good idea.

I accepted that night that it really likely wasn't going to work out, but then got myself all worked up about probably needing to tell this guy it wasn't going to work. I slept fitfully and woke up really tired the next morning and finally told myself "Let go and let God." Meaning I also felt my running in and telling the guy it wasn't going to work also felt a bit like my "forcing" things.

I said to myself, I'm just going to let the cards fall as they will. The guy and I had plans to do a hike on Sunday and then I'd be sure to tell him the only day I'd have free this week is Tuesday night (I was NOT going to compromise my Al-Anon meetings again on Wednesday and Thursday by planning to get together with him afterwards.)

Red Flag #4: He calls me Saturday night - he's out on the town, plenty tanked, and saying those words every Al-Anon loves to hear: "I really, REALLY like you. I know maybe you're not ready yet, but I'm willing to wait if I have to..." and on and on. I decide to remember that this is likely the booze talking and that he probably wasn't going to remember a word he said the following day when we got together for our hike.

Sunday, he ends up showing up really late for our hike (you know, being out all night drinking can make getting up early the next day for a hike pretty challenging.) When he finally made it over, we did have an enjoyable hike. I asked him if he remembered what he told me the previous night and he says he can't remember a thing. He wants to know when we can get together again and I tell him I'm only free Tuesday.

So, Tuesday (yesterday) rolls around and I text him early this time "Still on for tonight?" A couple hours later he lets me know he won't be able to make it. (Good thing this time I planned for this very thing to happen.) Then he asks if he can call me later and I said "So long as it's not after 9."

Aaah... he calls me Tuesday night and he's got "something important" he needs to tell me. I'm like "spill it". He tells me we won't be able to spend more time together - it's nothing personal. I ask him what's going on and he tells me he ran into his ex the other day and they're getting back together.

WHAM.

Now, I went through a lot of different feelings with this. I was calm and collected on the phone - was accepting of the situation and thinking in my head it's likely all for the best anyhow. I could tell he was at least human about it and that he felt like an ass having to tell me that. But after I got off the phone with the guy, I decided to allow myself to feel everything I was feeling, and yes, hurt was one of those feelings. Even though all the red flags were waving at me like crazy, I still felt hurt because I'd grown a little bit of an attachment to the guy. I slept awful last night, thinking "Jeez, I just got dumped." My sponsor's out of town, so I did call another Al-Anon friend last night, though, to talk it over. Thank goodness for my Al-Anon friends. We laughed about everything as I told her about all the red flags and that it was clear to me that my HP was doing an intervention, and I felt better, but still had to let myself work through the icky feelings after the call, regardless.

When I woke up this morning, I reflected back on my decision earlier to "let go and let God." I did that very thing and God took care of me. In fact, what came into my head was "God did for me what I could not do for myself." because I can honestly tell you I was not feeling strong enough to say "no" to the guy despite all the red flags.

So, there it is. Quite an interesting learning experience. I thank my HP for the lessons, I I silently thank the guy for the growth and learning opportunities he brought my way. I thank Al-Anon for the awareness it's brought to my life - I'd probably have taken this all really, REALLY hard if I didn't have this program. And I thank my Al-Anon friends sponsors and peers for their support and understanding as I went through this scenario.

Thanks for letting me share.