Those coping well with marriage to an active alcoholic.... - Al-Anon Family Group

Chelle3 · Veteran Member

Those coping well with marriage to an active alcoholic....

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience was a positive one , I joined this program 3 yrs before my husb chose sobriety for himself in those first 3 yrs I learned how to take my life back and find happiness for myself I learned how to love him with out expectations and by listening to other members I knew there were no guantees other than to return some sanity to my life there was nothing I could do about the choices he was making . My husb first attempt at sobriety failed he had no support and would not attend AA concequently 9 months of dry ended in him leaving out home so he could drink . He chose sobreity 6 months later and agreed to attend AA that was 20 yrs ago . sobriety is not easy which made Al-Anon more important to me learning that sober does not make happy , happy happy but learned that one sober day beats a drunk one any day , one of the books that helped me alot was Living with sobriety a small red bood published by Al-Anon and the Dilema of the alcoholic marriage was invaluable as it has alot on communication (which appears to be a problem for us ) hehe. I really disliked the word cope and decided I was tired of coping and chose instead to LIVE . its an attitude and for me it meant that regardless of what he did I was going to be okay . I learned to lower my expectations to accept what is and to go with the flow . I have never b een sorry I stayed . I still attend 3 meetings a week as today I understand that I am MY biggest problem .. Louise

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Chelle:

I realize that you are targeting your question to those still married to an active alcoholic. I am not one of those people. However, I thought I would share my experience.

Brief history: I was married for 36 years to a man who drank throughout out marriage. His drinking got progressively worse. I read just about ever book available on alcoholism, studied them as if I were required to take an exam, and read countless other information online. Oh, I could recite what I read, understood it intellectually. I can't tell you how many times I read that I couldn't control his drinking, wasn't the cause of it, etc. etc.......... A part of me knew it, but a part of me kept thinking my ex and I were different. So I tended to continue to "fix" him. We divorced just last June.

I began going to meetings just last month. I've attended 6 so far. I was SO RELUCTANT to attend meetings. I made all kinds of excuses. But I knew in my heart that it was time to give them a try. I tell ya, meetings help immeasurably! To hear other stories who are in the same boat and learn what they are doing is so beneficial. I'm finding that meetings are solidifying what the books taught me intellectually.

That's my 2 cents

Chelle3 · Veteran Member

Thank you both, Meetings do help. I've heard several recommendations for the Dilemna of the Alcoholic Marriage, I'm going to have to get my hands on that one as reading how to cope with it helps too.

wildthang86 · Senior Member

I have peace in my life that I created for me. Which affects my marriage in a positive way. My AH is like clockwork, majority of the time, and I know when I need to seperate myself from his bahavior. He has gotten used to me "checking out" of the evening after he starts to drink, every night at 8:00. I know I have about an hour of 'normal" tiime with him before that's gone due to the alcohol intake. It's the same each night. I always try to make sure I have something to do for myself, to take care of myself. He checks out and I check in to me. I like to surf the net and do FB or watch my own t.v. shows. Whatever it is, I do it for me. It works for us. I don't know if it's healthy, but it's healthy for me. I have learned to take care of myself first and as long as I do that I can pretty much deal with anything that comes my way. For me, I can count on him to "fall asleep" shortly after he starts drinking and I have plenty of me time. I am grateful for that. It is really rather sad and a lot of people, not in love with an A would never understand how I can deal with things. But it works well enough for me and I am content. I have had my share of off the wall behavior with him and physical abuse while drunk along with pyschological abuse but we did counseling and individual work on ourselves and eventually came to the place we are at now. He has been physically removed from our home as well, because of his behaviour and me feeling threatened. It made a change in him over time to live alone and be alone. After which I found this website AND my RLC who mentored me to believe that I am worth taking care of. So from that day forward I did just that each and every day. Nothing very exciting but something that means something to me and that's all that matters. I love my AH and have known him since we were 14 years old, we are 42 years old now. Having had that history really makes it difficult to "live" without each other. I get what I need and want from him as a spouse and if he does or doesn't, from me, I don't know. He doesn't complain about much at all so I assume he is content as well. I do know that things could be so much better if he stopped drinking and went to AA, as he has done before and was sober for 4 years. Our life was full of fun times and hard times but he was sober through them all. Then one day he chose to start drinking again. I do drink myself on occassion but that if for me and is my choice for myself. If I want to I do if I don't want to I don't. It's just not that simple for him, the disease has a huge hold over him and he knows it. I know that one day he will get sober again and until that day comes I will live my life ONE DAY AT A TIME because that works for me. When not drinking my AH is a wonderful man and a great provider, so he is a functioning alcoholic which he also knows. He has a lot of knowledge but not much power. I don't know if this helps anyone what so ever but it's my life and I have come to actually enjoy life as it is now.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Michelle,

I'm married to an active alcoholic. Have been for 19 years. For years I lived in all the insanity of the disease without the help of Al-Anon and the tools it offers. I had always considered myself a strong person. I could handle any problem life threw at me. I had been in business for myself since I finished college dealing with all the problems ups and downs running your own business entails. I had raised my two children as a Mr. Mom from ages 6 and 10 from my first marriage. I could fix all my problems.....but over time (in my second marriage) alcoholism brought me to my knees. I became a different person. My life became unmanageable slowly....one day at a time. I was at my bottom when I found Al-Anon. I had no where to turn, so I turned to Al-Anon and I listened to what the ladies in my group said worked for them. I put my trust in them and in turn the program. It didn't happen over night and I can't say exactly when the light bulb turned on. Maybe I could describe it as a light bulb that was truned off and gradually each week became a little brighter and a little brighter until one day without even realizing it my life had changed.

My life changed because over time little by little I changed. I can truly say I am happy. I changed little things. I changed my body language. I started practicing not reacting. I asked myself how important is it. I realized I didn't have to go to every argument I was invited to. I learned how to detach, and later how to detach with love. I admitted I was powerless. More important I accepted I was powerless. Those changes have allowed me to be happy whether the alcoholic in my life is drinking or not. When I had first heard I needed to change I didn't understand that changes in me could and would make my life better. Just simple changes. My wife still drinks everyday. Nothing has changed except me.

My wife has a disease that is cunning, baffling, and powerful. My wife is a good wife and a good woman. I love her very much. HP helped me seperate the person form the disease. If I allow the disease to make my life unmanageable I am allowing the disease to win, and I hate losing. Losing to a damn disease (pardon my grammer) that is not even a person !! I am in control of my own happiness. I am powerless over alcohol....But I "will not" allow it to make my life unmanageable !!

To answer your question....Are you happy together, or more happy with yourself and your life?.......My honest answer is both.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 6th of April 2011 05:20:25 PM

drummerchick423 · Senior Member

I'm impressed at those of you who can stay in marriage despite this disease.

I didn't even live with my exabf, and I couldn't stay with him. I am totally committed to the al-anon program, but even if I'd found al-anon, I simply don't know how I could have tolerated the things he was doing. Alcoholism is insanity, pure and simple. It's progressive and knowing that if he keeps doing it, he's going to kill himself...was just too much for me. I had to leave and find my own life again, find some peace.

If you can stay peaceful in a household with an alcoholic, I give you major kudos for strength. I understand the program helps you do it, but I don't see how, when the alcoholic eventually loses their health, how anyone can stay and watch that slow decline.

Otie · Senior Member

blankstare Hi Chelle3. I find your topic a very thought provoking and one that puzzles me very much (personally). I am new to this site and I still have very much to learn.

Briefly--I was first married to a person who was just a self-centered, selfish, controlling, narcissistic jerk (he was not an alcoholic). We had three children. After 6 years of trying everything--including a year of counseling, I came to the realization that I would not ever be happy in the marriage as he had no intention of changing just to accomodate my happiness--not even a little bit. So, I divorced him in order to be able to live my best life. That was decades ago. He still hasn't change a bit. We have no contact with each other.

After the divorce, I was a single parent for several years. And, I was happy because I was able to be my own self without trying to cope with a difficult person every day of my life. Eventually, I married again to a wonderful man and we had 25yrs together. Recently he died suddenly (within2 months) of a very aggressive cancer. He, also, was not an alcololic. We were so happy.

The reason that I am on this board is because of my son who IS an alcoholic and I am detaching from him becausive I cannot tollerate his alcohilic behavior--he is s00 abusive.

From my experience, alcoholics/drug addicts are not the only people who can inflict great pain on other people. Sober people can be adept at it, also. Having been in a very nurturing marriage for many years--I cannot, for the life of me, see how it is possible to be in a happy, healthy, nurturing, and empowering marriage with an active addict. The very nature of the the disease is that it is progressive and eventually steals everything from the victim and all those around (including family).

I think "happiness" means different things to different people. I believe that each person establishes what they want/need from relationships. It appears, to me, that some are content with a bare minimum or even some crumbs tossed their way. Others require much, much more.

Meanwhile, I am still puzzling over how something so intimate and interdependent as a marriage can be peaceful and "happy" with the ravages of addiction in the middle.

Respectfully, Otie.

-- Edited by Otie on Thursday 7th of April 2011 02:04:43 PM

tealexis · Member

Hi,

I've been married to a functioning alcoholic for over 30 years. We have two kids together. Up until 2.5 years ago, when he retired, I honestly didn't think he was an A. So the Alanon program is helping ME change my bad behaviors to better ones. Although I will never be perfect.

I have never thought that the "grass was always greener." None of us are perfect. Even me! lol With that, I recognize that my husband and myself have things we enjoy doing together or have in common: music, tennis, travel, humor and two great kids. Those are the things they have taken me through the 30 years of marriage. So I don't just see an alcoholic here; I see the other person who is kind and generous and who I fell in love with. He is a person with a disease he didn't ask for.

He is trying to moderate his frequency of drinking and staying out and is doing well but old habits are hard to shake. I don't have plans on leaving him. He's a good person with a bad disease. And I love him dearly. Hope this helps. smile

dschmitzzzz · Newbie

Hello, Wildthing86.

AM I CRAZY? I have been married to an active alcoholic 31 years. I've done everything I believe possible not to enable him. I've pleaded, been in al-anon since '87, quit al-non, disrespectful due to his condition, 1st treatment, his affair, more treatment, separation, spiritual journey, prayer group & return to al-non (successful) reunion and now H is still actively drinking and I don't know I'm better off with him than not. AM I CRAZY? He comes home regularly, has a good job, He's been a good provider, I love him, his kids love him. He opened the door to my mother and welcomed her staying with us when my father passed away. My mother died this November and his sister moved in with us. She had terminal cancer. It wasn't an easy adjusment for me but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I nursed her through hospice and arrangeded the funeral (he came down with acute bronchitis & missed the funeral. He's too stubborn or has just not hit his bottom to quit drinking. Edprcially since his sister's death I have been wanting him sober. Qll that does is make my life misertable. AM I CRAZY? Or is he just crazier? I'm still waiting and not waiting. I don't think he thinks he can quit. So I stay. I don't want any other man. I too have known him since we were 12. I REALLY IDENTIFIED WITH YOUR POST, Wildthang. PLEASE RESPOND. THANKS!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

With my A's increasing drinking came increasing verbal abuse and crazy-making behavior - it is not a happy marriage because we live in two different realities. Our relationship is a toxic one and I believe I am past the point of recovery as far as returning to the person I was who put up with it and hoped it would get better if I found the magic formula, and, he is past the point of being able to return to any semblance of normal relationship with me because I won't take his abuse anymore and won't admit that everything that has happened is my fault (he's real big on being blameless). I am no longer swallowing my emotions when he treats me wrong and no longer not saying what comes to mind in response. He accuses me of throwing away a good marriage and I know it was for him - i paid the bills and did the laundry, house chores, lawn work, etc. I made life easy for him. It was miserable for me; being yelled at, sitting on the couch each evening waiting to see if we could go to bed without incident, my needs never met. I found myself repeatedly asking myself what was in this for me? So, the answer for me is that no I cannot live with my A because the life was intolerable. If he'd just drink and let me be in my own room or drink and fall asleep, yeah, I coulda continued, but he spoils for a fight, likes em even when he's not drinking - fights over nothing, fights dirty and fights to win at all costs then denies any wrong doing on his part, blames it all on me, acts like it was nothing - just a lover's quarrel.

I can get myself pretty emotionally torn up by thinking of what if? What if he hit bottom and began climbing up and really faced the demons and issues that drive him not only to drink but to fight so destructively. What if he really worked through recovery and came to me and asked me to tell him my point of view about what was so wrong; what if he really listened to me and took that info away with him to think and then, came back and offered a real apology? And, what if he was finally the man I see him capable of being without the destructive side ruling him? What if i win the million dollar lottery? might as well dream that as well. Reality wins, I have to let go of him and leave him to God. I can't be married to him this way.

wildthang86 · Senior Member

dschmitzzzz, you are not crazy! None of us are here. We are coping or dealing with the situations we find outselves in. I didn't ask for this but I married my AH knowing who and what he was. I have found my own peace through Alanon and a great friend I found here. Rather he found me and reached out to me and I will be forever grateful for RLC. He showed me that I deserve to take care of me first and foremost and then other things kind of fell into place for my peace. It's not for everybody and you have to figure out for yourself what your limits are and only YOU will know that. It's different for everybody. Boundaries are very important as well. They really help you keep your peace of mind. It does take effort and constant attempts to keep them. But I find them worth the effort for me and my AH. I also feel good that he actually repsects them and when they are about to be crossed it's up to me to call him on it. But if I don't then it's on me and it effects my peace of mind so I chose, most of the time, to hold him to them. But again, it's your life and you have to figure out what works for you. But CRAZY is not what I would say you are. But just like any other marriage, it requires work, on yourself, on your marriage. It's not a simple path to follow. But I chose it willingly and until things feel different for me this is my life and I love it. I love my AH just as he loved me during my bought with brain cancer. He is still supportive and I choose to be supportive of him during his bought, or rather his disease. I hope this helps in some way. I also think you should keep reading posts on here. Attending the meetings on here also gave me help and support. There are many tools here that can help you in finding your own peace but nobody will advise you on what to do. We are here to support you and share our ESH with you if you want. There are times when my life is not easy to handle but I usually try to figure out what part I play in that and rectify it from there, if I can. Don't get me wrong, he can be the reason for problems too but there is a time and place to confront him about those times and I pick and choose those. I don't think that I need to tell him of every thing he has done "wrong", but when things happen that really bother me I tend to wait until he is not drinking to handle those things with him. Usually the next morning while he is getting ready for work, seems to work best for me. He seems more receptive to me at that time. I don't know what would work for you I'm just sharing what works for me.

I wish you luck and keep coming back and reading and posting. You can of course PM me too, I don't mind private feedback.

Yours in recovery,

Michelle

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