My first thought was, it's hard because you are a loving, gentle person who loves to give. It's so darn hard to have to say no to our husband.

Sounds like you handled it very well. When we live with someone who is basically insane, of course it is hard hon!

I was just thinking it is sorta like living with a wild animal. They can be very mellow and we can live fine with them. UNTIL they want what they want, or when they get mad, or when we say no. Then the true nature of the beast comes out.

Sending you hope. love,debilyn

(((( hugs for searching ))))

Everything about this disease is convoluded, difficult, painful.  You are not alone with this.  It is about manipulation.  See, in the past, when he gave his song and dance, you would normally "cave" in and surrender to what he is asking, and at the same time ignoring your own needs.  Today, you didnt, you stood up for yourself.  Nothing says that we have to be the ones to deliver and purchase their "drug" of choice.  He wants to be enabled.  He wants to continue to use the way he always had before, the status quo.

When we change our focus onto us and begin to stand up for us, the A's notice, they hone in on our energy and emotions and they want that from us bc they cannot face how they feel about themselves.  They want to blame shift onto us, so we can take up that pain and say ok u can go ahead and destroy yourself.  No matter what they say, we all know it is slow suicide.  they are in denial.

Do your very best to see the disease for what it is - as a seperate entity from the people suffering it in.  See you and your kids - seperate from it too.  When you remove your AH from the disease, you can choose to - not take it personally anymore.  This helped me to see when the "bait" came at me, like a fight like this - dont see the man you fell in love with, see a person sufferiong with the disease - if they come presenting thier disease up front in front of basic needs and the compassion for others - you do not have to own it or reflect that.  You can see him compassionately, but dont pity him.  That is enabling.

Adults have the power to choose in their life.  Adults will always do what they want, it is your choice.  I would put me and my kids first, loving them and being accepting and supportive is the most important thing.  I would get so mad at my mom and step dad, bc they put their wants in front of my needs.  That is very damaging to the child and sets up their life of not feeling good enough and seeking out other emotionally damaged or unavailable people. 

So, be strong in your new changes, bc this is role modeling healthier behavior for your kids.  It was very difficult for me to learn to that it is not only "ok" but it is a necessity for me to put my needs first over other people's wants.  It is about not compromisng the self any longer and doing what is healthy, supportive, nurturing and loving.

When I see people throw a tissy fit bc they dont get "their" way and being so selfish in their disease, it allows me to first have some compassion for them but it also reminds me that if I dont value and prioritize me, no one else will.  Certainly the A's wont, bc they dont value themselves.  I was told that the way an A acts, when they are mean to us, it is because they dont love and respect themselves.  They dont love or resepct us, when we allow them to abuse us and over ride our own basic needs.

I am glad u got your kids out of there, hopefully distracted them or spoke to them about not taking what dad does personally.  That was all I did as a kid, I took what they said to me to heart and soul and I did feel like a failure when I did not do as they demanded, asked, coerced or manipualted.  That was my own disease talking, bc no one can allow me to feeel less than, it is a choice I make inside of myself first.  If I dont value me and I allow me to be a doormat, much more abuse and pain will come.  You made a choice to detach from his behavior and get some fresh surroundings -awesome!

I've been learning about respect as I am gaining some now that I respect me first.  I was told to offer resepct and digntiy to the A by not rescuing and saving, but to allow them to solve their own issues and problems, circumstances.  No one can save another, think it for them, or feel it for them.  We all must do that on the inside... happiness and peace (or not) are inside jobs.

Yes he may try harder to get u to fall back into the same old patterns.  Allow you to feel - with every "No." you deliver to strengthen your resolve to have a better and healthier life and allow your AH to procure his own self destructive devices. 

When I stopped picking up the booze (for my step dad) I felt so much more happy and at peace.  I no longer felt like I was participating in his destruction.  Getting out, changing your attitude and mood, and allowing you to feel happy - that is self preservation and we all have to be selfish enough to tend to our own needs and stop compromosing ourselves for others.  Way to go!  It is hard bc its new and the more you practise and let him go to his HP and pray for him, when you are worried - that helps me to do something active and then get back to focusing on what I can control and change - only me.

Ouch!!  Been there and done that myself and was proud of myself for finally doing what you did...walked the Serenity Prayer.   Bravo!!  The intial practice is difficult and they you become what you want to become the person at peace with yourself and what you do and why.  Yes early on it ends in tears and then resistance and anger (as the buttons get pushed) and moves on to being a no-brainer for you...you start to walk the walk and be accepted for your values by the alcoholic and others.   Man did I celebrate when I reached that consequence for myself.

This is a classic behavior process from the alcoholic and any self centered person who "wants what they want and wants it now"...Say no and you get heat as they tantrum, tantrum, tantrum.  "I'm not doing it go tantrum" is a proper thought or even response and then that might sound a bit unkind however when my alcoholic was given that option she knew I wasn't a player any more...I was in the Serenity Prayer myself.

I got a phone call from the Liquor store down the street that said they had our check book.  I was at home watching television and my Alcoholic wife was "at a meeting".  When she got home before she even put her bag down I told her the Liquor store found our check book and was holding it.  She launched into a creative story about the meeting being a "chip and dip" meeting at a member's apartment and blah blah blah.  My response was "you need to go get the check book, they're waiting for you." More Blahs...and then "Okay get in the car and come with me."   I said "No" (the complete sentence and she read my body language.  It was the same as my verbal language so she caved in..."But you've always gone with me."   That statement was higher education on my enabling behavior and I responded, "I know and not any longer.  I'll be here when you get home."

It's hard.  Any new behavior change is hard and supposed to be however if you inventoried it and it was what and how you wanted to respond to the disease than throw your right hand over your left shoulder and pat yourself on the back.  Then give yourself some (((((hugs)))))