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Hi everyone, thought it was about time I posted an update on my situation or my husband's situation... As some of you may remember, there was a lot of crazy 2-6 months back where AH was just insane, lost his hob, was suicidal, physch ward stays, emergency room, became addicted to narcotic pain killers ect.. just nuts. So many nights I wish I could erase from my memory..so painful...so scary...so ... Insane!
Eventually, AH went to detox, then rehab. He was in rehab for 6 weeks and just moved into a sober living home a couple days ago. We still talk once a day, I see him once a week, on average.
I am just astounded at how different (and better) he is. In the past 3 weeks he has managed to accomplish what he kept telling me he would accomplish for 7 months. He has done more organizing/planning/figuring stuff out/dealing with life things than even I think I could manage to pull off in 3 weeks. He met with a board and pleaded a case so he managed to not be fired but laid off, so this means he gets a pension pay out, he made a resume/cover letter, applied for jobs, got a job, started work, figured out living arrangements in a sober living home, got in and lives there now, figured out his coverage to pay for his ambulance ride, took care of that, applied for unemployment insurance and disability insurance, the list goes on and on... he's accomplished so much it actually makes me want to get my sh*t together more! It's unfrickin believable! He tells me stories of new people in AA and what he chats with them about after the meetings, he tells them his story and how horrible life was and how much better it is now, sober, able to deal with stuff ect... He is honest, or at least doesn't pitter patter around the crap that happened when he shares with me what he shared. I'm speachless.
He not only talks about recovery but lives it. I think it may be one of the most beautiul journeys/things I've experienced in my life: watching him grow back into someone I used to be madly in love with - and at this point, I don't even know if I want to be with him (meaning living together eventually again and I guess staying married)....
I love him, even like him now, which is many ways I feel is more important than love as I'll always love him, but like...well, that can come and go. But I am scared, terrified actually of him relapsing and then me probably going insane all over again... but, well, I'm getting ahead of myself here... just saying how much he's grown in a short time is nothing short of a miracle.
Sometimes I feel bitter and resentful or just irritated that I'm left to pick up the pieces and deal with everything (mostly financial crap) and organize our crap, clean, renovate, declutter and sell our house, figure out where I'm going to live....and he seems just so settled and figured out with his stuff... (I'm almost jealous and wish my stuff was all figured out).
If I do get resentful, I quickly I catch myself and think: This is what I wanted...I wanted him to get into recovery, he is, this is what it entails... I knew it wouldn't be all butterflies and rainbows and easy! I could have left, I didn't, I didn't have to remortgage the house, twice, but I did, I didn't have to pay off his insane credit card debt, but I did, he didn't have a gun to my head forcing me to...so, it's my crap, and selling the house was also my choice (well, really the only option) but... it's just hard so sometimes when it gets really hard, I get bitter...but, it doesn't last long and the couple times I've snapped or taken it out on my AH, I apologized...
What I miss most is sharing my life with him, or sharing my fears/frustrations with him...not in a venting/complaining or blaming way, but just having that person, who knows my life, my family, me, so well that I can share emotions and have that support... I guess I miss that support and understanding from him. I do get it in alanon but I miss it from him. I'll live.
I'm in the middle of getting our house ready to sell, reno'ing the bathroom, selling some stuff, packing, decluttering, organizing... then, up for sale. I'm stressed to the max about where I'm gonna live... I have lots of offers to stay with friends or family... but I hope to afford a condo or something... I just wish this was all over... I'm not even sad really about selling our house, I'm actually kinda excited about starting over, but, just wish I could fast forward to that part and skip all this stuff. Dealing with the bank stressing me out and financial stuff is a language I will never speak.
A few months ago I thought my life was over and now I'm actually looking forward to starting it again. Kinda cool.
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Wednesday 6th of April 2011 12:04:38 AM
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Wednesday 6th of April 2011 12:06:06 AM
I am so pleased to hear your AH is doing well. Now it is time to take care of Danielle. You have lots of things to deal with but don't forget that YOU are important too. Selling a house can be stressful, finding a new place to live can be stressful, but like you said, exciting at the same time. Time is a great healer. One day at a time is a good slogan. If that is too stressful, I have lived minute to minute sometimes. Whatever you need. Keep attending Alanon. It really is enriching and makes survival more attainable. Hang in there..... one day at a time.
I knew he had it in him...I think the last time you posted an update I wrote that if he stuck with recovery, he would be an even better version of the man you married.
Aside from him, you really have to stand back and look at how you have handled all this. You have grown a lot too. You don't recognize the change within you as quickly as in someone else.
