The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
and nothing has really changed. Just a recap on my previous posts, my AH and I were involved in an argument which resulted in the police being called, and Children's Aid becoming involved (yet again). This is the third time in the past 5 yrs that they have been involved, all relating to his drinking, and anger. He has been told by them that he is not allowed to be at the house with the kids and I until he has sought help for both his drinking and anger. Needless to say.... he STILL says he doesn't have any issues, that he doesn't want to go into rehab but will do it because they are making him do it. He has been trying to work his magic on me, to allow him back in the house anyway. I refuse. If I let him back in, and Children's Aid finds out, they will take my kids away. I will not allow that to happen! I told him just yesterday, that we cannot continue to live this way. I am lonely, and stressed to the max.. I feel sick to my stomach more and more every day. I'm having a hard time sleeping and eating. I don't understand why I feel this way. I was doing so well too! It is better for him to be away, and it's nice to not have to listen and deal with his bullcrap. So why do I feel like this? I was at my counselling session yesterday, and we wrote down the costs and benefits of AH coming home, and although I can clearly see all the costs of him coming home compared to how little benefit it would be for him to be here, I still feel sick. Blah.. I must admit that I haven't been to any f2f meetings in about a month, and need to go.. next one is Thursday, and I will definately be going.. I need to so bad! Anyway, that's all for now. Hope everyone else has a good day.
I think you feel sad for the loss of your husband in your home. Maybe sad for all that has gone on. It's okay to let yourself feel sad to a degree. You are describing typical symptoms of clinical depression (loss of appetite and insomnia). At least recognize you are depressed and with good reason. Keep reaching out and accepting help and you will pull through this one way or another. You are stronger than you think. When you are lonely...reach out to healthy people for support. You should always watch out for HALT - which is letting yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired....This is really a tool from AA, but I do think it's good just to prevent relapse into old behaviors and it is applicable to any 12 step program.
Also, 1 month is not a long time to be getting used to being somewhat on your own. It is going to take a while to feel comfortable and to find new activities and things you enjoy. I was terrified when I was on my own after the break up of my 7 year relationship. Even though I endured much of the same craziness you are describing with him, it was craziness I was used to. I was not used to going to bed alone, coming home to a house without another adult there, not having a shoulder to cry on... I got stronger and eventually was able to give myself all the things that I thought I needed from someone else. Because of that, the relationships I have now are healthier. So...while this hurts really bad now, you are becoming empowered and that is going to help you deal with your husband in a more detached or healthy way or move on all together...whichever is best for you.
Thanks.. I needed that. I have suffered from Depression for years now, and I know that's not helping. I have been with my husband for 18 yrs, since I was 15, so, yeah it's hard to not have that other person here. I am use to going to bed alone, as he would always sleep on the couch, he would pass out there. Everyone is telling me how strong I am, it's about time that I start realizing that and believing it myself.
Aloha Evian...true recovery is a lifetime process and you have the head start. Your alcoholic has convinced himself...for now...that he's okay; that there is nothing wrong and the mind is a powerful place to build denial and crazy perspectives. It isn't that he doesn't "get it" it that he doesn't want to "get it". Alcohol owns him mind, body, spirit and emotions and it is trying to own yours also.
Staying away and out of the meeting rooms of Al-Anon and the literature and your sponsor and in fact the entire program process will earn you what you've got right now. You are not hearing new ideas and recovery experiences from others and the only thing you go back to in default is what you know how to do which hasn't ever and still doesn't work. I hate relapses, they are always stunning to me on how they happen inspite of me not wanting them to occur, yet I have to remind myself that this disease is soooo very cunning, powerful and baffling.
Remember to keep your Higher Power always in the mix; the Master Sponsor, don't wander away from your HP's side.
Hey Evian, I don't have much to add as I think pinkchip and Jerry nailed it.
After several 'bottoms' and events involving 911, emergency rooms, employers calling, and basically thinking my husband was a drink or pill away from death - he went to detox then rehab and is now in a sober living home....he hasn't been here with me, here, in the house I'm about to sell for about 7-8 weeks now.
I miss him, am lonely, feel sad ect.. from time to time, and sometimes daily...and if I get caught up in those emotions I tell myself....feeling this sad/lonely ect... is MUCH better and less crazy than dealing with active insane addiction every day. I would pick sad over insanity any day (when I'm thinking with my brain)! When I feel that way I force myself to remember (or go read) about those oh so many horrible horrible nights where my husband was absolutely insane, when I felt insane, where I was driven so mad I had visions of things psychopaths do (didn't act on anything) but felt that crazy nonetheless.
It gets easier...it was so hard for me to sleep alone, wake up alone, just adjust to being the only adult in the house....now, I'm used to it, have established my own new routine, and enjoy being alone (maybe too much)....I should get out more. It gets easier....
Thank you so much.. After reading your posts, and reading things I had written myself here at home, I came to wonder.... why am I feeling sad, anxious, sick to my stomach?? I feel so much better today.. not so scatterbrained. Yesterday, I honestly could not remember if I left the key for the kids to get into the house when they got home! I called 3 times from work to see if they made it in ok, and no answer!!! Was I freaking out or what?? So, left work... got in my van and started driving home. Just as I was leaving, I quickly tried calling again... this time they answered!! Thank goodness!! I suppose I could have gone back to work, but only had an hour left in my shift. It's funny how I didn't even talk with the kids about where they would go in case that happens. Now they know. we talked about it last night. I'm going tomorrow to get extra keys made for them to keep on them. I guess it's one of those things I should have thought of before.. AH was always home, and when we both were working, one of us would always be here, we never had to worry about it. Times have changed though. The kids do like the idea of more responsibility. Oldest is 13, and they know what to do and what not to do when in the house. We just never talked about what to do if the door is locked and no key! I'm glad that the key was there, and things turned out ok. What a real eye opener!
