I'm not honest now? - Al-Anon Family Group

parfait624 · Veteran Member

I'm not honest now?

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Parfait)))

Always and forever the alocholic will try to blame others for the problems the disease has caused him. So you can put the baseball bat down and quit beating yourself up. There is a slogan in Al-Anon....It's none of my business what someone else thinks about me. When that other someone is an alcoholic..... it is even less important. When I was reading your post I was wondering......ummm, I wonder if he ever lied to you?

My point in the above is you are in control of your thoughts and how you let those thoughts effect your serenity. Put the conversation you had with your exABF in your pocket. And make sure the pocket has a hole in it.

HUG,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Monday 4th of April 2011 12:20:08 AM

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

I have found that my ABF likes to take my fourth step and I can just as quickly today take his. We have decided that this disease has made both of us behave in insane ways and that we both need to take our own four steps away from eah other. As long as he is aroud me I look at his behavior, thoughts etc and loose the focus on mine. It is up to me to do my fourth step and make my amends the a,s perspective is just that his perspective it is mine that matters to me. You do not ay if you are attening al anon meetings. even if we are no longer with the A we have been affected by this disease and meetings can help us to to explore how we have been affected and what we need to do to heal. I am really trying to focus on looking after myself for the first time in my life and my al anon meetings and coming on here are part of that recovery for me.

hugs take what you like and leave the rest. x

-- Edited by Tracy on Monday 4th of April 2011 05:04:18 AM

parfait624 · Veteran Member

Thank you so much and I know you are both right....how many times did he lie to me. How many times did the diesese take over and make us both crazy. One day at a time. I also recieved news today from my employer that our office is relocating....next door to my exabf's office :( Now I will be close to him five days a week. I just have to be positive and give it up to HP

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Its part of their disease. Their brain is badly affected by whatever drug. After awhile,nothing they say or do will shock you. It is just what they do.

Their whole life is one big lie as the disease controls them when they are using or not on a program of recovery.

I just said you might be right, or oh really? wow. Just not allow the disease to pull me in. I know from experience, the disease progresses, my AH turned into someone I did not know! pretty awful.

hugs,deb

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Self-serving bias. Everyone has one. Very few people leave a break up thinking that it's their own fault. Most folks spin reality to their favor. I would not take it too seriously if possible. Did you really expect him to come to some super mature realizations about the errors on his part?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

parfait624 wrote:
While there were times I did tell lies it was in response to his actions towards me. Out of fear that he would insult me or leave me. I thought to myself he really believes I am a dishonest person
Hi Parfait
I guess I must verbalize that I too felt I was an extremely honest, kind understanding person until, I examined my motives and discovered under the illusion of kindness, honesty and compassion I was extremely dishonest and self serving.
I did not have any other tools to act in any other fashion but when I felt frightened or wanted to get my way, I lied, I manipulated I did what I needed to accomplish my goals and I did not feel that make me a decitful untrustworthy person. You see I was very good at justifying my actions and blaming everyone else for my actions.
Alanon called me on these self deluding beliefs and told me to stop justifying and blaming and to simply own my defects . Then I had a chance of dealing with them . I could let them go and develop new tools to live by .
As far as your x saying you were not truthful in the relationship, I found that if I owned the truth when confronted-- many doors of communications opened I might have said "You are right, I was not completely honest in our relationship because I was frightened and tried to protect myself from your actions." Not a big deal!!!!
Being human is such a great gift of this program

parfait624 · Veteran Member

I don't think it is a question of me not owning up to me being dishonest. I was lying and it was not the right approach. I made mistakes and I reacted when I should have walked away. I guess I just had one of those moments where the alcoholism really made it's appearance. He was so quick to point out my faults and flaws but never took a moment to say he also was wrong. No I didn't expect him to grow up and mature over night. But it was just wild to me that I recognized that where before I would just feed into it. My response to him we are all human, we all make mistakes, we all have to learn from them, and I am recognizing them and addressing them. Instead of what do you mean I am a liar you jerk what about you and your problems. It was a good learning experiance.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

It's okay to put it away, behind you, let it go and let God have it and not participate other than courtesy...hard one there but it will let you know that you have control over yourself and you decide how you want to respond to others around you. Keep on practicing your recovery the way it is suggested and when the cunning, powerful and baffling disease jumps up to mess with you choose not to participate. The program works when you work it. ((((hugs)))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Also Parfait, some people need to villainize their exes to be able to move on...especially people who don't have a program to "let go" in the way that we do. I think for a lot of people, it hurts too much to be broken up from someone and to think of them kindly. Hence, they turn the ex into "the B--tch" and then they don't have to feel sad or bad.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.