The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am just tonight realizing I need to be here, so I will first off apologize for knowing so little. Normally I lurk and learn, but this has been a rough day and I think I need to get it out there.
AH has been half-heartedly attempting AA for the last year. The drinking has been better in frequency... from daily to weekly, but worse in intensity. We have finally set two household rules for our mutual physical and emotional protection. If he is to drink, he will not drive and he will not come home.
This past week was particularly bad leading to him signing himself up for an outpatient program. I was very optimistic that this was finally "the low" until he went on a 24 hour bender over the weekend.
I usually resist calling, because I am trying not to control, but I finally got too worried. When I called this evening, he was at a bar. I begged him to take a cab and he manipulated me into picking him up. (He literally bargained that he would drive home unless I picked him up.) So I went to get him and he surrendered his keys. I then asked where he wanted to go. Of course, he wanted to come home. I held firm and reminded him that we had agreed he would not be in the house if he had been drinking. His friends were all out at bars and I refused to take him to another bar. I finally told him that if could not come up with anything else, I would take him to a hotel. He did a lot of yelling and bargaining, but I held firm to the fact that I would not allow him back into the house drunk. I ended up leaving him at a hotel outside of town. He just texted me to remind me to pick him up in the morning.
I know that I can be a Type A person who wants to control everything. I have a very hard time walking a line between being too controlling and standing up for myself. I guess my question is how do I know the difference? Did I go too far, or not far enough?
Sorry for the rambling... mostly writing to get it all out. Thanks for reading and any advice. I intend to start meetings this week, but I am in the middle of busy season at work and have mostly 12-13 hour days scheduled. I might rely on online support until this weekend.
Hi Fabmonkey - I too lurked for a while, I would bet that most lurk before they decide to speak up and make themselves known. It is nice to see what is said and get a feel for those who post before joining in or moving on; and, by lurking we can do a lot towards determining if this is where we belong. One thing I've been able to glean from other's posts is that, after going through something with our A's, our initial instinctual "hey I don't think I should have to put up with THAT" feeling (that we often put a damper on because it doesn't feel "nice") is a perfectly acceptable part of establishing our own boundaries. In other words - that we don't have to ignore that voice in our heads that tells us we shouldn't do this or that. This board has really helped me in emotionally detaching from my A and his manipulative games - laying his problems at HIS feet and not taking them as my own.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
. If he is to drink, he will not drive and he will not come home.
.
I usually resist calling, because I am trying not to control, but I finally got too worried. When I called this evening, he was at a bar. I begged him to take a cab and he manipulated me into picking him up. (He literally bargained that he would drive home unless I picked him up.)So I went to get him and he surrendered his keys. I then asked where he wanted to go. Of course, he wanted to come home. I held firm and reminded him that we had agreed he would not be in the house if he had been drinking. His friends were all out at bars and I refused to take him to another bar. I finally told him that if could not come up with anything else, I would take him to a hotel. He did a lot of yelling and bargaining, but I held firm to the fact that I would not allow him back into the house drunk. I ended up leaving him at a hotel outside of town. He just texted me to remind me to pick him up in the morning.
Hi Fabmonkey
The situation you outlined above is one that is very familar and one that has us, the sober person once again responsible for enforcing an unenforcable rule and then caretaking the alaoholic.
Please do try to begin to get to alanon face to face meetings or at least attempt to start with our on line meetings here. It is important to take care of yourself. Learn new tools to do just that and learn how to detach from your husband's actions.
Know that we are powerloess over alcohol and the alcoholic. We did not cause this disease, cannot control it and cannot cure it. It is fine to set up boundries for yourself as long as you are prepared to follow thru.
No coming home drunk If he comes home drunk What are the consequences? You leave? You call police?
No Driving drunk Sounds doable He could call a friend or a cab to drive him to a hotel or friends house. What happened and usually happens if he is drunk- calling you to pick him up fighting to come home, manipulating us to drive him some place and then pick him up again the next dayand drive him where he wants to go is not an option. You are now being forrced to be over involved in his drinking and driving giving up your own life in the process.
If you look at this objectively, your actions are preventing him from suffering the true consequences of his behavior If he drinks and drives he could get a DUI or a bad accident and hurt. If he comes home drunk the consequences would be that you will call police and he will be removed. Tough consequences so that is why boundries must be set up that protect you and are manageable by you.
You are a busy person working 12 hours a day and do not have time or energy to police his drinking.
Please know you are not alone- different boundries that are workable for YOU will become evident and you will be on your way
Did you go to far or not far enough? You made the best decision for you. You did the next right thing for you and in doing so you took care of yourself first. Remember boundaries are put in place for your protection, your serenity and your peace of mind, not the alcoholic in your life. I am a big believer that an alcoholic needs to sufffer the consequences of their own choices and decisions without any interfrence from us. In the long run we will both be better off for it. This is a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease but your husband and your husband only made a dicision to drink knowing full well you had a boundary in force. He knew your what your boundary was if he drank......he could not come home. He's not home. His choice. His decision. Your boundary. Good for you.
Keep coming back. Read prior post. There's lots of experience, strenght, and hope to be found on this board. What worked for us. You won't recieve any advice because we are not walking in your shoes. But as much as all our problems are different, they are all suprisingly similar because we have all been effected by someone else's drinking. Regardless if the alcoholic seeks help or not we need recovery from the effects the disease has on us. At face to face Al-Anon meetings is where I found the help I needed. I was surrounded by other members who accepted me, didn't judge me, and had, are were still walking in my shoes. Those members wanted to give back to me what the program had given them. Like me the program can make your life better and show you how to be happy whether the alcoholic in your life is drinking or not.
You made the firat step in your recovey by coming to MIP. Take the next step and start attending Al-Anon meetings at your first opportunity. You deserve it and you won't regret it. You don't have to be alone in the disease anymore.....And guess what?....Your not.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 4th of April 2011 12:25:16 AM
Hi...I think the boundary issue is one of the hardest for us to stick to. I know that feeling of responsibilty to another person...especially a spouse. My boundary is....I will not speak to, or see you, when you are drinking...this means 4Am phone calls..until I unplug thephone...It also means deleting EVERY msg when i hear his slurringand incoherent sentences....
He then calls my family...it's hard. I feel sad and protective...but those are not empowering feelings, to me. Good luck. It takes timebut you WILL work it out. I agree, with all the above messages, try to get to a f2f meeting...there are friends there waiting to help YOU not focus on him. Good Luck
