The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to the addiction lifestyle and forum groups in general. I am currently in a relationship with an alcoholic; he has been in and out of rehabs on almost ten different occassions, is no longer working the steps, and is relapsing.
We have been together for only a short time, and when I met him he was in a sober living community (which I was not aware of at the time). I did not become aware of his addiction until his most recent relapse when he tried to detox on his own with some members of AA. That first attempt was nearly three months ago, obviously it didn't work. He is now drinking over a fifth of vodka a day, lost his job, failed to see his son today (his ex divorced him as a result of all of this), and is currently passed out in my home.
I am planning on attending my first Al-Anon meeting tonight, I've been holding off for some time. I have read the AA Big Book, I have read nearly everything I could online, tried to educate myself. I know the logical answer and what everything I read says is that I need to just leave. I am definitely a co-dependant, and I don't know how to leave. I read a prior post which struck me with the message that a decision doesn't need to be made right now, sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing. I'm at the point that I know I can't leave right now, he has already said he's not ready to quit (but will), and I'm just stagnate.
I'm not sure if I'm actually here to ask a question or seek advice. I guess I just feel very alone. I have not told any of my family or colleagues, I have only one friend who knows and I have worn out that source, and all his friends that are a part of this are pretty much sick of telling me to just leave and not seeing me do it.
Welcome Carrie... good move on finding this board, and GREAT move on choosing to go to an Al-Anon meeting tonight.... You aren't alone anymore.... Keep coming back, and we learn from each other's experience, strength, and hope (E,S&H) in the program.... You're unlikely to get much in the way of direct advice, other than to choose a recovery program for yourself, and keep learning (with an open mind). Some leave, some stay - some A's get sober, others don't.... "our" part remains the same...
One of my favorite old sayings - "he will either drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome.Keep coming back. Your in the right place. I believe it's a great step in going to a face to face Alanon meeting.
I feel your pain and confusion. My alcoholic/addict fiance was in AA and a sober living house when we met. He relasped ater almost 21 months of sobriety. This was almost a year ago He finally hit his bottom and is now back in recovery with 82 days. We're taking it one day at a time
I wish I had found Alanon sooner. I had no one to talk to. I suffered in silence. I finally had to set boundaries, and it wasn't easy. I felt like the bad guy.When it came to my safety and that of my child's I had to tell him to leave my home.
Alanon is about taking care of ourselves. We don't give advice but share our experience strength and hope.
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Take it one day at a time. If that is too much take it a minute at a time.
Hindsight is 20/20. If I had to do it all over again, I run to the nearest Al-Anon meeting with neck-breaking speed.
I wrestled with my ex-husband's alcoholism for 20 or more years (I *think* the last 20 years of our 36-year marriage was extremely difficult because he got progressively worse and so did I in terms of how I tried to manage it, which is impossible.
I didn't seek meetings until "after" the divorce. I seem to do things the hard way.
Give meetings a chance. Next week, will only be meeting #6. The first two meetings were very uncomfortable; I wasn't certain if they were for me. However, I'm beginning to realize how they've helped me immensely.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Glad that you are doing whatever you can to educate yourself about the family disease of alcoholism, which leaves no family member untouched.
I remember the trapped feeling - people telling me to leave and me not having any idea how. I remember that mostly, the thought of leaving filled me with fear and guilt. A very wise non-program friend told me that not making a decision IS making a decision - a decision not to decide today. That helped me soooo much, because before, I felt like I should be doing something. I always made impulsive snap judgments because I couldn't stand to sit with the uncomfortable feelings. I wanted a plan of action, like, yesterday - regardless of whether it was the right plan of action. This program has helped me to understand that when I choose not to make a decision, that is a choice - not the absence of a choice, the way I saw it before. There is no need to make any decision - in fact, Alanon encourages newcomers to make no major decisions for at least six months after beginning your own recovery program. My sponsor feels that major decisions should be put off for a year. It is no good to make a life-altering decision when you're sick and living in insanity.
If you haven't found face to face meetings in your area yet, I encourage you to do so. Open AA meetings will also be beneficial for you, even though you're not the one drinking. Open AA meetings have given me more insight into my AH and the family disease of alcoholism than any other source. This has allowed me to experience compassion for my alcoholic relatives, instead of contempt - and I've felt a TON of contempt in the past.
Alanon meetings will be a place where you can talk to others who have been there. None of my non-programs understand this part of my life like my program friends do. Although my first Alanon meeting was a little confusing (I felt like I walked into a play that was in progress, and I didn't know the characters or the story or what was going on), there were bits and pieces I understood. When I kept coming back, I understood even more bits and pieces. I got a sponsor, who explains anything I still don't understand. I have about 3 years in the program now, and I have to say that getting recovery for myself is the best thing for me that I have ever done.
Good for you for choosing to attend Al-Anon! I should have been here 20 years ago but I thought I could handle things just fine on my own (sounds like alcoholic thinking, lol). I had no idea how warped my thinking patterns had become as the result of growing up in an alcoholic home.
Much like you, when I met my ABF 2 1/2 years ago he informed me that he had been in recovery for 9 years at that time. Then, about 6 weeks into the relationship, he promptly relapsed. And continued to relapse every month or two thereafter. I was questioning whether or not he was really a recovering A or a binge drinker.
But. Did I do the sensible thing and walk away? No. Like you, I didn't know how to leave. A big part of me believed, at some deep level, that this relationship was the best that I could get.
Although you don't need to make the decision to leave right this minute, you're not stuck with "doing nothing". You can start to think about boundaries that you can put into place to help you cope with the effects of his drinking. For example, one boundary could be that he isn't permitted to hang out at your home when he's drinking (that was one of mine).
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
