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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> the A's confusing dance
Post Info TOPIC: the A's confusing dance
purpleraven


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the A's confusing dance
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my ex-A broke it off with me in email and "entirely" cut me and my daughter off from contact with him, he was really clear about it. except for an upcoming custody case where he needs to testify, he said no contact. but then ... he's emailed me twice more! and he even called my daughter's therapist, asking about me signing a release - for what reason who knows? perhaps he could have sat in on a session and said goodbye to my daughter, then she'd have her therapist and me there for her when he walked away ... but he's sat in on a couple of sessions before to help her, and he never needed a release or anything.

if it weren't for the court thing, i'd just delete his emails. after 4/19, i can delete his emails. it's so weird, him cutting us off so absolutely and definitively - rather than dragging it off like he always used to do - but then he's going against his own words and contacting me about weird, petty stuff. like how i can keep the two things he already had gifted me - our kitchen table and wi-fi router - he's already forgotten he gifted them i guess? but even so, what a petty thing to get in contact for! when i really need him to be in contact to help my daughter transition less painfully.

still going one hour at a time. i keep trying to picture one day, 24 whole hours, and it is just too much, too overwhelming. if i'm able to drive tomorrow, we're going to church and i'll ask the rev. about what sort of help we can get from the members of the church, everyone says she's really supportive and loving. i'll feel awful if i'm not able to drive, we'll have to miss church yet again. (impossible to get rides in this area, gave up on that last year.) but it's good to make a plan, set my alarm, lay out clothes for me and my girl.

as for the ex-A's flip-flopping back and forth ... i encountered this kind of behavior only once before in my life, when i fostered the son of a former best friend - when the drugs were in her system, she was 100% a different person, someone i didn't know, someone who could care less about her little boy. i was happy to be there for him, until i could find other family to place him with. then she'd be off the drugs and lucid and my friend and grateful i saved her son from a stranger fostering and possibly abusing him, then she'd still be clean but blame me for making her lose her son and then she'd tell me she was doing drugs because of me. i knew that was BS at the time. but now my ex-A is acting just like that, it's so eerie. i don't know how he can in good conscience go to accept his 26-year coin at NA while on morphine, but that's his karma and not my problem. i only care when it involves him hurting my girl, and oh! i want to just move on!!

it's really hard needing someone so badly for a custody court case, not even knowing for sure if he'll really keep his promise and show up, or if his testimony will be what he promised or if he'll be drugged and forget the facts. i keep wondering, what if i should just tell him to not bother? but then it's been everyone's advice that i need the testimony of someone who's helped raise my girl. oh, so confusing!! my head is spinning.

i keep praying, reading here and reaching out when i can, also i keep reading Courage to Heal, not by the date but just flipping through at random. it's interesting that somehow the "right" topics appear for me! like the HP is turning the pages for me. i want to feel reassured and start thinking about one day at a time. the clock says 2:32 a.m. right now. i can't even think of 3:30 without that squeezy-pressure feeling all over my bod, tho. whew. why can't this be like a normal breakup, i can walk away and lick my wounds and get on with the business of healing and living? no, it's got to be all on his terms, as usual. breathe and pray, breathe and pray ...



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Bettina


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Purpleraven,

Because nothing is ever normal with an alcoholic.

It doesnt have to be all his terms. Not when we decide what our boundaries will be to keep our sanity and serenity.

Just trust in your HP and it wont fail you...

All my best to you for the coming days.

Luv, Bettina

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Bettina
flopadopilus


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Hi Purpleraven, I like what Bettina said about it not having to be on his terms. All you can do is hand him over to your HP and set up your own terms anad boundaries. Protect yourself and your daughter now for your future. Keep breathing and taking things one moment at a time until an hour at a time is possible and than a day at a time. I praying for you both!

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God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

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Debilyn


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It helps us to remember that if an A is not on a program, especially if they are using, they are insane. Their brain is compromised. They are going to do irrational things. NO use in being confused. Just know he is not going to think clearly, make decisions like we would. Its a waste of time wondering what they will or will not do. Its like trying to figure out someone who has a high fever.

It will be what it is. take things as they come.I learned to not even think about him. I took care of my own side of the street. We have zero control over what they do, its usually crazy, so why bother.

We have so much of our own to take care of, wounds to heal. With a child there is even more to do. Honestly he is a walking disease, nothing we do matters to them. All they care about is getting their drug.

You guys are going thru so much. To drop anything to do with the A would alleviate so much stress. I did so much better healing when he was getting cut from my life. I learned to think of me only.

I just had or have no expectations. IF they show up ok. if not, not my problem. I say that  lots, not my problem.

SEnding you two hugs. YOu are doing great by your kiddo! love,deb



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Rhivenn


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At a meeting the other night, I heard this in reference to alcoholics: When you have a drunken horse thief, and get him sober, he is still a horse thief. You can't change the core of who a person is, even if they're technically sober. If he's not working his program honestly, then the defects of character are still going to be present. What you need to work on is taming your defensive, inner, mama bear that's in defense mode 'cuz your baby is being hurt. You're never going to be able to make sense of why he's doing what he is. Not ever. So allow yourself to let go of the need for understanding, and just accept what is. You don't have to like it, but you have no choice but to embrace it and go with it. Last thing, as a question...you say he's broken up with you and asked you back repeatedly - how many times can that happen to you with this one man, before you take control back and tell him when you're done, instead of leaving him in control of your heart?

*hugz*

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~Rhivenn.
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"You come to love, not by finding the perfect person...but by seeing an imperfect person, perfectly." ~Sam Keen.
DreamXL


Senior Member

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You can take the alchol out of the fruitcake and you still have the fruitcake...........without recovery thats what it looks like........blessings and prayers your way.......!!



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pinkchip


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The minute you decide to be empowered and not be a victim, it won't all be on his terms. Trust God. You are spending way too much energy worrying about everyone and everything else. Just trust your HP and spare yourself the tremendous mental anguish you are describing.

You are already doing your best to parent your daughter. That is all you can control here. The custody case is out of your control too. Sure his testimony may help you, but I doubt you need it like you think you do. Boil all of this down to the serenity prayer and keep things simple. I am not judging you, but I hear suffering in your words and not all of it is due to what is being done to you.

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change
the courage to change the things we can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change your ex-A, cannot change this custody case, cannot change your medical condition...yet you are plagued with grief and worry....Find serenity through your higher power. Let go. Life does not need to be this complicated mess of problems. You deserve peace. When you really work the program what will happen is the following: Your problems will not go away, but you will grow so much stronger to the point that you won't view things that used to be problems the same way. This is what you need to be striving for...

"Life is not about weathering the storm. It is about learning to dance in the rain."

Mark

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pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

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Also, to those who might not have been paying attention to your original posts, you did describe the ex as having 26 years of recovery right? I know that as an alcoholic myself, I do not want other to peg my personality and all my actions based on my alcoholism. Yes, what everyone says here about active alcoholics is generally true, but a lot of you guys are making generalizations about alcoholics in recovery that are not true. Even after just 2 and a half years in recovery, I choose to believe that very few of my behaviors and problems are due to my alcoholism at this point. If anyone blames my alcoholism for how I act when I am 26 years sober, that is definitely barking up the wrong tree in all likelihood.

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